DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

The seeking reassurance is what feeds the anxiety.
you cannot have certainty that nothing will go wrong, it might well do and trying to control everything rigidly all the time merely gives us the illusion that we can stop bad things happening.

Life is chaotic and unpredictable and we have to learn to live with that.

it creates anxiety in children if they’re constantly hearing ‘be careful’ from parents. And understandably creates irritation in partners.

you can self refer to your local talking therapies service for support, they generally fast track perinatal clients

He sounds terrible 💔

If I were your dh I'd be pretty pissed off too.

It's not that you are overprotective. It's that yiu constantly tell your dh what to do like he's one of your children. You obvs don't trust him. Undermining him constantly will lead to him leaving in time

Don't be daft he sounds like 99% of parents up and down the country. Managing risk is a key part of parenting, trying to remove all risk is impossible.

"I’m just compelled to seek reassurance that nothing can go wrong…"

No one can give you that. It's completely unrealistic.

It’s totally natural to watch out for your kids, as a mother.
You are not doing anything wrong. He just needs to get on with it. If you didn’t tell him, he’s be asking questions, for sure!

My DH pointed out my shite parenting on Mother’s Day…

No, they haven’t been injured in his care before (apart from normal bumps and bruises)

There genuinely were - it was in the local paper. Attempts, not actual ones

Are you getting help with your anxiety? If not maybe this thread can help you see it's not your DH who is the problem here. Anxiety is ruling you and you say you feel compelled to seek reassurance. Counselling could help. Speak to your GP.

Yes, I see what you’re saying

I have had CBT which helped a bit but not massively

Seems to be a fact that someone who is asking for constant reassurance comes across as controlling. I had a manager at work who kept on checking or commenting on what I was doing, and it left me quite paranoid.
I think you should try to stop, OP. Could the two of you discuss what worries you over a cup of tea rather than in the moment? Eg, does DC still need the scooter holding on a busy road? On a quiet road? Is there any possibility that the way DC sits on DP's shoulders could lead to an accident? When you've agreed something, try to resist pulling him up all the time.

The thing is, it’s really not OK to seek reassurance in this way. I get that you feel you need it, but your needs are not more important than anyone else’s and you must learn to manage your feelings otherwise you’ll ruin your marriage and your children will resent you if you continue to restrict their freedom as they grow older.

You need to learn to differentiate significant risks (I’d put the running on the pavement next to a busy street without holding hands in this category) from the negligible ones (running ahead in a park, most of your other examples), and you may need more therapy to be able to achieve that.

I know you are not trying to be controlling but you are controlling.

Your are his wife - not his boss.

You will drive him absolutely insane. I know I wouldn't last long with my partner continually telling me what to do.

You are insulting him as a father by continually telling him he's not up to the job.

It's negative.

Do you really think he would harm your children if you didn't remind him not to all the time?

If the answer is actually yes, then you don't trust him.

Where there are problems in relationships, the one would has raised the issue and is never listened to usually leaves over time.

Try to find a better way to deal woth your anxiety.

You do sound quite controlling. Your husband is allowed to parent his children his way, you don’t have the right to dictate everything and it is not healthy to eliminate all risk.

Dh took dd to the park when she was maybe 2.5 and let her go on the ‘big girl swings’ she fell off. Face planted the floor and ended up with a face full of stitches.
Not once did I chastise him for not being careful and never before nor since have I told him to watch them or be careful. He is their equal parent and accidents happen. You need to get some help with your anxiety

Act is better for anxiety.

The abduction fear in broad daylight when you are just behind them is totally insane

Not wanting a two year old to run off is perfectly normal as is half your list

Reminding him that he moaned the child was heavy? Meh I wouldn't bother I might shrug and say it's your back or don't moan at me if your back hurts again but that's it

His reaction isn't the greatest btw unless your literally like this with every single interaction

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare...

"Expected" why/how/by whom? If he's not doing his fair share - which may or may not be half, depending on the other responsibilities each of you have - of the work of parenting and of keeping your shared household running, that's a likely source of resentment and even animosity.

Apart from that, it sounds like the two of you have different levels of risk tolerance and different views on how children learn. Those need to be discussed and understood so you can come to a reasonable compromise; no one should be getting angry because someone else thinks/feels differently.

Only the first where you take a 2 year old's hand while walking on a busy city street was reasonable. Yes, you are being controlling having to comment like that on nearly everything your husband does with your child and it would be beyond annoying. You don't trust your children with their dad to do anything when he's done nothing to warrant that.

I think it's time for you to seek out medical help and see your doctor for assessment and treatment.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I think your dh should be a little more patient with you. I'm a parent with anxiety and I totally understand your fear around these situations. It's something you probably both need to work on. Fortunately for me my own partner understands where I'm coming from and knows that it's not intended as a criticism if I ask him to be careful.

You definitely need some help with this, if you're too save your relationship, and not pass on your anxiety to your children.

Because he's right. If your children constantly hear you fussing over their safety, they're going to grow up anxious. And if they constantly hear you criticising their father's decisions they're going to grow up not trusting him to keep them safe. And they're both dreadful things to dump on your kids and your partner.

You admitted yourself that you were diagnosed with postpartum OCD and anxiety and it hasn’t really gone away. This is the issue you need to focus on. It’s not healthy for you, your husband or your children to live with this and it must be exhausting for you all for many different reasons.

Get yourself some therapy and try and focus on working on this and the issues should ease all round.

Try and remember that your husband is your children’s equal parent and he is capable of making his own decisions when it comes to their care and safety.

You need to go back and get further help for your anxiety. It’s not fair to be constantly picking holes in what he’s doing and expecting him to allay your fears.