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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

420 replies

QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 16:21

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Readingismyfirstlove · 02/04/2025 17:07

Itisjustmyopinion · 02/04/2025 17:04

It’s interesting that your post is all about ruining your DCs life but actually your post is about what you are doing to your DH when actually it is him that your behaviour is affecting

You are undermining him and treating him like he doesn’t know how to parent his children - they are as much his as yours

That is not how a respectful relationship works and no wonder he is getting irritated. Imagine how you would feel if he was constantly putting you down

Great point. If you were posting saying dh said these. Things to you people would say you were in a controlling and emotiinally abusive relationship.

TeenLifeMum · 02/04/2025 17:07

You’re constantly demonstrating in front of your dc that you don’t trust their dad. I can understand his frustration and you seem to think he needs to adapt to you with no effort from your side because you feel you’re right.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 02/04/2025 17:08

Is no one else wondering where these 'multiple abductions' happened and why no ones heard anything about it? 😂

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 17:08

Doolallies · 02/04/2025 16:25

I think the first one - not wanting child to run out of reach on a busy London road aged 2 is reasonable. All others no. If my husband told me to be careful when carrying our baby upstairs that would piss me off a treat.

You are being ott

This. You're ruining your marriage, too, OP.

If you didn't trust him to care for offspring, why did you choose him to father your children?

Iloveyoubut · 02/04/2025 17:10

pimplebum · 02/04/2025 16:28

Rule 1 of OCD is not to pass it on to others

get more help and stop saying be careful etc

What are you talking about? There isn’t a list of numbered rules regarding OCD! And if there were, I’m pretty sure not passing it on to someone else wouldn’t be top of the list.. rule number one… jeez, it’s not Fight Club! Is rule number 2 not to talk about your OCD?

AgnesX · 02/04/2025 17:11

I think, for most of the examples you weren't unreasonable as you were starting out.

Now that time has moved on and everyone is still alive to tell the tale I think you need to relax. DH is your child's father and so will have a vested interest in nothing happening to his child.

You both have different ways of looking and dealing with things and you need to learn to stay quiet (I know....) and trust him.

Ohthatsabitshit · 02/04/2025 17:13

The biggest and best gift you could ever give your child is a competent confident father. You need to move your thinking from “I need to be on guard all the time and critique Dhs parenting till he changes” to “how can I get to a position where dh is as competent as I am at caring for dc and confident and happy he is a good father”. Take a big breath and start being the person who helps him be better.

Ophy83 · 02/04/2025 17:13

Hmm... my dh did carry the kids on his shoulders, but at the same time I do understand your fear on that one. I once saw a family in a&e because the toddler had been riding on his dad's shoulders in the mall, leant back and fell, hit his head on the hard stone floor and lost consciousness (he was ok btw!). Clearly you don't trust your dh's assessment of risk, but we haven't seen him so can't see whether that is reasonable. Is he accident prone? How quick are his reactions?

Redpeach · 02/04/2025 17:14

'Be careful' is an annoying phrase

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 17:16

Ohthatsabitshit · 02/04/2025 17:13

The biggest and best gift you could ever give your child is a competent confident father. You need to move your thinking from “I need to be on guard all the time and critique Dhs parenting till he changes” to “how can I get to a position where dh is as competent as I am at caring for dc and confident and happy he is a good father”. Take a big breath and start being the person who helps him be better.

The shoulders thing doesn’t bother me anymore, he does it all the time and has been for years. It was when he first started doing it that it made me nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 17:19

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 17:08

This. You're ruining your marriage, too, OP.

If you didn't trust him to care for offspring, why did you choose him to father your children?

Show quote history

I do trust him but he’s also done a lot of stupid/irresponsible things in the past, since having children. E.g. days before I was due to go into labour, he went on a night out. I asked him not to get shitfaced, he turned up early hours of the morning slurring his words. He also once put a newborn on the roof of the car in the car seat, and says I’m unreasonable for not being ok with this. Maybe IABU on those though as well… I honestly can’t tell Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 17:20

Redpeach · 02/04/2025 17:14

'Be careful' is an annoying phrase

I actually agree with this. I know I’m being annoying, I’m not trying to be.

OP posts:
OldCottageGreenhouse · 02/04/2025 17:22

He sounds like an irresponsible idiot and I think you’re overprotective for two reasons

  1. Because of post natal Anxiety, the effects of which are widely misunderstood, especially on Mumsnet
  2. Your DH is a careless idiot. A fool by the sounds of it!
Patterncarmen · 02/04/2025 17:28

OP, I wonder if it might do some good for you to have a break away from the kids and the husband for a few days. Constantly being on alert for your kids with an anxiety disorder is no fun. It might make you realise that your DH is doing all right as a parent and face your worry, thus conquering it.

I also might suggest that your husband is teaching your kids a bit about taking risks. I mean part of growing up is falling out of trees, falling off the swings, etc, scraping knees when your bicycle skids, etc. These experiences build confidence and helps children assess accurately how hazardous a situation is.

I'd agree though your husband should not have said you are ruining the childrens' lives. It is a tricky balance.

OliveWah · 02/04/2025 17:29

I have voted YANBU, because there are several of your examples which I would freak out about too, and I have a DD with OCD, so I understand that your reactions are not currently totally within your control.

Was there a trigger for your OCD @QueenMammoth? If so, a "Trauma Rewind" session with a therapist may be helpful (it certainly was for my DD).

Other than trying CBT again, and fully engaging with the process, really putting in the work, doing the homework and trying to live all the new things you learn, I would just talk to your DH and explain that it's your anxiety talking, not a reflection of how you feel about his parenting. It's really stressful, I know, I hope things improve for you.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 02/04/2025 17:29

These comments are wild. I never thought I was overly protective...but letting a 2yo run anywhere next to a road. Absolutely not.
Maybe you could work on some of the bits but honestly, I don't think trying to keep your toddler alive/safe is to be frowned upon.
I imagine half the parents on this thread are in some sort of competition about how fast their children grow up.
Also, please be kind to yourself. If your littlest is only 1, you have absolutely not shed the PPA hormones.
Your husband could be more understanding I think. Mine would just maybe roll his eyes at me but he certainly wouldn't be slamming doors and yelling at me for wanting to keep our DD safe!!

User37482 · 02/04/2025 17:31

My DH did this when our DD was little, he ended up having to go to therapy because I almost left him. The drip drip of your spouse instructing you is soul destroying.

Cakeandusername · 02/04/2025 17:32

It depends. Perhaps you are saying it much more than you think. There’s suggestions of what to say instead. Assess actual risk. Eliminate unnecessary risks. Give actual advice not just parroting be careful.
Being constantly criticised for his parenting must grate on him.
My dc was at school with a be careful mum. Lots of fretting if child cold, complaining about trips, not letting her do things. Keeping child off for a sniffle. Child developed into very anxious teen with issues at school.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/04/2025 17:32

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand. - Fair
Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs. - Not fair!!! Patronising and controlling
Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards. Not fair
Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly. Not fair
Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders. Not fair
Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. - where do you live?? I live in London and I let my kids go ahead in the play park, though I am vigilant and always close ish. If anyone approached then I would be there before they could reach them.
I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again” - what an awful thing to say

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/04/2025 17:34

OP I went through your points and only one of them was fair on your DH. I think you need to accept that you need more help with anxiety, tell him you’re struggling with life admin etc. and seek help from GP.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/04/2025 17:35

Canonlythinkofthisone · 02/04/2025 17:29

These comments are wild. I never thought I was overly protective...but letting a 2yo run anywhere next to a road. Absolutely not.
Maybe you could work on some of the bits but honestly, I don't think trying to keep your toddler alive/safe is to be frowned upon.
I imagine half the parents on this thread are in some sort of competition about how fast their children grow up.
Also, please be kind to yourself. If your littlest is only 1, you have absolutely not shed the PPA hormones.
Your husband could be more understanding I think. Mine would just maybe roll his eyes at me but he certainly wouldn't be slamming doors and yelling at me for wanting to keep our DD safe!!

The busy road one is the only fair point here. The rest is patronising nitpicking. He is a parent too and entitled to do things differently, none of the other examples given put the child at risk of death.

Mrsdyna · 02/04/2025 17:36

If you're saying it just to reduce your own anxiety then that's tolerable but if you really think you know best, then I can see why he's upset. Explain to him why you do it and then just say it gently if you really have to but then stop.

Original poster
QueenMammoth · 02/04/2025 17:37

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/04/2025 17:32

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand. - Fair
Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs. - Not fair!!! Patronising and controlling
Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards. Not fair
Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly. Not fair
Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders. Not fair
Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. - where do you live?? I live in London and I let my kids go ahead in the play park, though I am vigilant and always close ish. If anyone approached then I would be there before they could reach them.
I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again” - what an awful thing to say

Ok so I am not trying to argue with this, but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?

and if you saw your kid at risk of leaning back and falling because your DH couldn’t see them, you’d say nothing?

the rest I totally get

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 02/04/2025 17:39

I would be very concerned about the carrying a child on his shoulders
I know a child who was very badly injured
Otherwise some of it seems a bit OTT
Is there anyone you could discuss your concerns with to get a neutral perspective,a sister say it a close friend x

beetr00 · 02/04/2025 17:39

@QueenMammoth it sounds like you are being hypervigilant, terrified that something awful is going to happen to your children.

Your anxiety will definitely adversely affect the children, you'll maybe need a bit more help with this. You must be exhausted trying to ensure everyone is "safe".

Are you the same with other trusted members of your family, Mum etc?

eta: "but people genuinely begrudge a mum who’s just given birth saying “be careful” to their DH when the baby is a day or two old?"

Do you have this internal monologue with yourself as well when you're interacting with the children. You don't trust him, sadly.