DH says I’m ruining DC’s life

[QueenMammoth]

DH and I keep falling out because he says I’m “controlling everything” and “ruining my kids lives” because (in his view) I’m too overprotective of DC. I know I am overprotective but I don’t think anything that extreme. I get annoyed because he doesn’t try to compromise, just gets angry and tries to push me to do things I’m not comfortable with. For context, I got diagnosed with postpartum OCD & anxiety and they’ve never really faded away, although much better now than when the kids were newborns. DC are now 4 and 1.

These are things he takes issue with:

Me not wanting DC to run on pavement of a busy main road in London when they were around 2 years old, without someone holding their hand.

Me saying “be careful” the first time he carried our newborn up the stairs.

Me telling him to watch 2 year old DC when he carried them on his shoulders down the road, as they kept leaning backwards.

Me telling him to watch DC on scooter to school as they were getting used to it and were wobbly.

Me asking him to put DC in buggy to cross a very busy road, rather than letting them sit on his shoulders.

Me not wanting to let DC climb up a hill to run ahead to the play park, out of our reach, when there had been multiple reports of attempted abductions in our area in recent weeks. DC was 2 at the time. I did snap at this point, and said “fine, do what you want but if anything happens I’ll blame you and I will never speak to you again”

He’s just gone to pick our youngest up from nursery, and slammed the door calling me controlling because he said he’d carry them back, rather than taking the buggy. It’s a 15 minute walk, and he was saying yesterday how heavy DC feels after you’ve been holding them for a while. I pointed this out and he just ranted at me

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare, then he muscles in and tells me I’m making terrible decisions and am going to ruin their lives by putting them in bubble wrap. I feel so annoyed but I don’t want to let my DC down.

AIBU?

Rubbish. I would be justifiably furious if someone kept telling me to be careful while carrying my own baby, as would most people.

The OP has a diagnosis of OCD and anxiety.

She cannot help that, but it is her responsibility to address those health issues. At the moment she’s being controlling with her dh to try to manage her feelings which is unfair and ultimately very damaging to the relationship.

Those posters saying ‘she does not need help’ are wrong and being very dismissive of her mental wellbeing. She is unwell: she has been diagnosed and she acknowledges this.

These kind of conditions put a strain on the other partner, it’s not easy to live with and the constant chipping away at the dh, making him feel he can’t even walk upstairs with his child or pick them up from nursery without being told to be careful will lead to resentment.

How do you know that 99percent of local paper attempted abductions are bullshit?

Do you have a source for "it [abductions/attempted abductions] has never happened in England"?

I’d hazard a guess and say they deployed critical thinking.

Child snatching has never happened in England in broad daylight?

Ever heard of James Bulger?
His killers were 10 years old and they enticed him away from his mum, tortured him and then killed him.

Child abductions happen but they are so rare as to be statistically meaningless. 99 percent of local paper attempted abduction reports are the result of over-zealous racist reporting by local curtain-twitchers.

How many times has that happened?

As another poster it's so rare it's statistically meaningless

The majority of people have heard of James Bulger even if they weren't alive when it happened.

This is not only because what happened was so horrific and involved children murdering him but also the fact that it's incredibly rare.

You’re literally telling him what to do and what not to do. Stop treating him like a child. If you don’t trust him to look after his own children then that’s a problem. Honestly, telling him to be careful carrying a baby up the stairs, what were you expecting he was going to do…dangle them by their leg?!

I’m the kindest way, you need to let him be a parent too.

But then so is he:

I’m expected to stay on top of all life admin, all housework, pretty much all drop offs/pick ups, organising childcare,

There’s more to this relationship than the majority of posters have twigged in this thread.

The pp said it doesn't happen.
I was showing an example of where it has happened.

It goes on a lot more than you think and not necessarily how you/we might think it happens.

Regardless of the number of child abductions in the U.K. (which are incredibly rare, discounting abductions by a family member over custody battles etc) - the OP is treating her dh very unfairly. She needs to deal with her mental health issues, not treat him in a controlling way, that’s not addressing the issue at all. I can’t believe some posters are saying ‘she does not need help’ - she’s got a diagnosis of OCD and anxiety. Why are some (admittedly a minority) posters being so dismissive of her mental wellbeing? She would benefit from therapy to address her issues, at the moment she’s taking it out on her dh and that’s also unfair on her children to be witnessing.

why shouldn’t he carry the one year old home from nursery if he wants to rather than using a pushchair? He’s a parent, he’s doing the pick up so his choice. My dh carried our kids for much longer and for much further than I did, simply because he’s bigger and stronger than me. I wouldn’t have dreamed of telling him he ought to put them in a pushchair if he was collecting them.

Well he's not wrong!

Hello, I’ve just had time to read through all of this, wasn’t expecting this many responses so thank you for all the advice. I’ll try to answer some questions that have come up, for anyone still reading…

Both DH and I work full time, I’m not a SAHM like some have guessed. I’ve changed my hours since going back to work, I do shift work now which is exhausting but allows me to work around the DC. We both work high pressure jobs. He works slightly longer hours than me and can’t WFH, whereas I can occasionally.

I am taking the advice given here on board - thank you to those who have shared helpful advice/opinions, I’m grateful. I mentioned earlier, I’ve had CBT and it did help a bit. When DC2 was tiny I was prescribed medication (sertraline?) and I was reluctant to take it as was EBF but maybe will look into that again now.

DH is dyslexic and was in an accident years ago as a young adult. He finds it difficult to do paperwork, admin etc., so I do all (I mean all) of it. I’ve tried asking for a little help, but he gets angry/upset when I say I need more help with “you don’t understand what it’s like for me” or “you’re better at it than me” type comments. Because he works more hours, I’m left in charge of drop offs and pick ups. He doesn’t need to worry about it, comes and goes as he pleases, won’t change his hours.

1000% he would always take care to keep the DC safe but he has been known to be reckless. I mentioned earlier, things like putting a newborn in car seat in the car roof while he faffed around in the car/leaving DC in the car alone while he went into a shop. I only know about the 2nd one because older DC told me he kept doing it. After all the replies on here I’m wondering if these are things to get worked up about though..?

I think a lot of people lack understanding of what OCD does to your mind, it’s not just a case of “being a bit OCD” and being a neat freak. DH doesn’t have a clue what my diagnosis even is, despite me telling him multiple times, sending him things to read to explain it better than I can, and explaining why I am the way I am sometimes and that it’s not a reflection of my opinion of his abilities. He thinks I’ve had PND.

just to add, as I think there’s a bit of confusion - I’m not “constantly” on at him. I said before, the examples I’ve given happened over 4 years. They’re the ones I’ve given because he holds onto them. Most days are pretty mundane and we just plod along. I’m not a nervous wreck like I’m obviously coming across 😂

I took some of your advice and left him to get on with things, and he took LO to nursery the other day with no coat… I wanted to say it’s chilly, they need a jacket but I didn’t want to criticise him but then spent hours worrying they would be cold if they went outside

Absolutely no need to worry. Most dc hate having coats on at that age with all the running around they do.

It really is though, it just doesn't happen.

I'm sure James Bulger's parents don't feel that way about it...

Honestly this thread has really surprised me. Who wouldn't just want to take a bit of extra care to avoid their kids becoming 'that' statistic, no matter how tiny the minority?

He'd wandered off in a busy shopping centre and tragically the awful events unfolded as they did. We're talking about a toddler running into a park with two parents watching.
The idea that there are child snatchers waiting behind the bushes is ridiculous, it just isn't the case.

So, I need to keep my children within arm's reach at all times, because a child was snatched and killed 32 years ago? I expect at least one child was injured or killed in a road traffic accident somewhere in the UK that day, and virtually every single day since. Presumably anyone who lets their child travel in a motor vehicle is being outrageously cavalier about their safety?

This is good though OP. You are seeing it for what it is and beginning to regulate it which is bloody brilliant actually.

💐 Reprogramming your brain and thoughts is really hard.

If it's any reassurance one day I forgot my daughters coat at nursery and they found her a warm hoodie from the spare clothes store for playing outside so she didn't get cold. I spent the afternoon in the park with a bunch of 4 year olds and they were all in t shirts even though the parents all had jumpers on!

It's a great step to have paused and not said anything. I don't have OCD but as part of my bipolar I get intrusive and catastrophising thoughts with symptoms similar to pure-O. One of the things I find helpful for breaking the cycle of intrusive thoughts is to time table time for the thoughts. It takes a bit of practice when they are overwhelming me. Often the problem my brain has is they are perfectly valid thoughts to have once but to ruminate on them all day is no longer valid. I find setting aside 10-15 minutes to allow my brain to "voice" it's concerns. Whilst I'm doing a time limited activity such as walking some where, doing the washing up or showering. Once the activity has finished I tell my brain thank you but now I have things to do. I'll give them time later if needed. It helped reduce the spiralling from forgotten coat to hypothermia. The more I try to ignore the thoughts the louder and more intrusive they get but giving them space and time makes them quieter even if they are still there in the background.

My parents are dyslexic, my mum severely, and my mum also has issues processing things following a stroke in her 20s so I do a lot of their paperwork and life admin. My dad manages better but my mum finds it next to impossible. I'd have a look at the other jobs you have to do and see if there are any that are within his wheelhouse of skills to compensate for the things he struggles with. My partner cannot see beyond the here and now. He realises he needs to do washing when he's worn the same boxers for three days and of he goes food shopping he gets stuff for that day and maybe the day after but certainly not a week's worth. I do all the shopping and washing and anything that needs doing weekly. I don't see mess and struggle with the jobs that need doing every day so my partner does those. Playing to one anothers strengths and accomodating weaknesses means that most weeks everything that needs doing has been done.

I work in a school with a nursery and so many parents (not just dads) drop their kids off late and without a coat and waterbottle etc. You know what, they survive! There's always spare stuff around if they complain of being cold, but so many kids like to play outside without any coat on. And the weather where I am in the NW at the moment is beautiful. Most kids wouldn't need a coat anyway.

It's fine to want to be a perfect parent and get everything right. I was a bit like that myself and used to be a fusspot about things. But then I saw how my DH was with them sometimes when he looked after them (eg took them to the park without a bag full of stuff that covered all eventualities). And they survived. I also saw how, as they got older, they looked after their own needs when socialising with their friends. eg They chose not to take my advice so didn't take a jacket if it looked like rain and got wet. If they disliked being wet enough they didn't forget a coat again. If they weren't too bothered they did the same next time and just risked it. It's up to them. No one died.

To be honest, learning to be a bit more relaxed about things helped me too. I tended to pack everything but the kitchen sink if we went on hoiday. But Dh is so laid back and if we were in the car and I was reprimanding myself saying "oh god, i forgot the spare dummies/swim nappies" etc i learnedd to rationalise and think "no biggie, I can get them there."

Luckily my kids have followed DH's laidback but confident style of going about things and so therefore don't tend to let unnecessary worriees about plans get in the way. They are young adults now and away at university and managing their lives well. And I'm glad they were nothing like me at that age!