Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

Ah I get it, you mean like - ‘won't someone please think of the stalkers?’ instead of supporting the OP, if only for balance.

You should be bloddy ashamed of yourself! OP has feelings, and her NEEDS AND RIGHTS to feel safe IN HER OWN HOME trump the entitlement of these dangerous thugs to terrorise a woman in her home. If you don't understand that, there is a humanity and decency and common sense mal-wiring there with you.

Where do people get off defending dangerous thugs and stalkers, and attacking the victim? Trespassing, stalking, harassment, refusing to leave property, and intimidation? How do they look at themselves in the mirror. What went wrong in the wiring in their formation to make them defend that.

"if they are genuine"
IF. OP has no idea who they are, or how they got her email & home address. They turned up uninvited and refuse to leave. OP has been clear without going into detail that she has no desire to rake over her family history as it's distressing for her.

Yet you think OP is the baddie here, and the two unwanted strangers who took root on her driveway deserve sympathy?For crying out loud.

IF they are genuine and IF they have or want important info, they can go through a solicitor, like anyone with half a brain would.

Although they have now left, if the police do get in contact you must give a full statement of what happened as the matter is not yet settled and it’s worth having an official report of what happened today on file.

If they get in contact via letter and you choose, once you or your DH have read it, not to engage they may send multiple letters or turn up again. It is important that, having asked them to contact you in writing now, that you DO send them a formal (ideally legal) letter asking them to cease and desist contacting you or you will consider it harassment.

Sadly, I suspect this may run for a few more chapters. I would also contact your GP and see if you can be referred for counselling as this has clearly been upsetting and has demonstrated that you are still struggling with childhood trauma that it is in your interests to address, even if it is just in response to the events of this week. Wish you luck OP.

Anyone with confidential information would use a solicitor to contact a potential relative. If its about a recent will (to which they think they're entitled) or a medical matter.
Two unwanted communications count as stalking. The op was alone, I've been stalked so I would freak out too.
Do read the letter and if it is without substance get a letter from your solicitor to them. The don't have the legal write to occupy your drive unless they have a warrant for money.
You can talk to the Suzie Lamlough trust for more advice if they keep coming back.

It’s not her job to deal with that. If she hasn’t got the capacity to do it, she doesn’t have to.

No one’s feelings give them the right to harass and intimidate someone in their own home.

Nailed.

The reason we are "piling on" is because if these people were in fact reasonable, they would have followed up with a letter left with the husband (for example) rather than both showing up at the same time (intimidating; you've already had the door shut in your face so you should have an inkling that they aren't interested in physical confrontation. So now you're bullying your way in).

They could have explained something to the husband. ie it's medical, whatever.

A letter, from these people who are indeed the ones who WANT this interaction, so the onus is on them, makes far more sense. And indeed, if they've had to work up their courage for this interaction, they can say that in the letter.

OP has a moral obligation. We all had bad childhoods but wouldn’t act like this. OP’s response is very bizarre and selfish here. There is clearly a reason they need to talk. you’re wrong. HTH.

Why so aggressive?They are just expressing an opinion. On a public forum.

Agree. ‘We all had bad childhoods’ is also hugely arrogant to think they have any clue what others might have gone through. Awful post. I’d missed it. Well done for calling it out.

What a horrible post @GreenCandleWax. I won’t bother quoting you, as lots of others have. Staggeringly lacking in understanding or empathy. You have clearly never been in this situation. I was in a very similar position to the OP and, believe me, you really don’t know how you will react until it lands on your doorstep. The fallout from my own experience lasted years. There was some good stuff, but also a LOT of bad. The OP has already indicated that she had a very difficult childhood. There could be trauma, even PTSD for all you know and you think she should allow a couple of complete strangers into her life to dredge up old memories. At the very least, she needs time and space to process the implications of this intrusion into her life. Seriously, have a word with yourself.

i am sorry to say I think you were BVU. These people if they are genuine must have really screwed up their courage to contact you, and it seems they have something important to tell you. It must have been very emotionally difficult for them to try and contact you, and then to have the door shut in their face is appalling. The way you have treated them is awful - rude, rejecting and dreadful. How do you think they feel? I hope you got some name or contact detail for them so that when you calm down you can see how badly you treated them, and maybe apologise and hear them out. you are the one who is unreasonable. The OP owes these people nothing: and the only reason I’d be getting there address would be to send them a cease and desist letter.

So initially I thought you were being over the top but the fact that they loitered in your drive for hours after you made it clear they were unwanted was really rude and intimidating. I hope they’ve got the message now and leave you alone.

These people don't seem to have been part of your childhood as you don't know who they are, so it's unfair to blame them. I understand they might be triggering but maybe consider therapy to deal with the past, as these people might be a joyful addition to your life once the past is processed.

Well said.

I'm sorry but I really have to agree with this.

They sound like they are really desperate to speak to you. Arriving at your house wasn't a good idea but I imagine your reaction to them has probably left them as upset as you. Perhaps they might have information or something that might help you make peace with your past? I think I'd want to know.

Who cares what they want. This isn’t how you behave.

How they feel is nothing to do with OP. She doesn’t need to help resolve their issues or answer questions or fix their desperation.

It's not how you behave no but I think it's cruel not to share information that might help resolve issues for these people whoever they are. Just the decent thing to do. Nobody is suggesting she invites them into her life for good.

Have a bit of empathy! Think how you would feel if you got a 'lead' to someone who had information on say a birth parent, and they slammed the door on your face? They could have been looking for years?

These people have clearly disregarded the OP’s right to privacy and have invaded her space without invitation, not once, but numerous times. How anyone could think that the OP is in the wrong is beyond me. Clearly, you have no boundaries and are happy to invade strangers’ spaces without concern for their feelings. Extremely odd and totally unempathetic.

It’s no wonder so many women are still abused and killed for not being ‘nice’ when someone who has very cleared stated they are traumatised by their childhood is being repeatedly told that their trauma is less important than being nice and polite and ‘not rude’ to complete strangers who have calculatedly turned up unannounced at OPs home when she is alone in the house.

You holier than thous can be doormats and targets all you want, but you have a bloody cheek not to mention a total lack of empathy to come on here berating op for not giving these cheeky fuckers the time of day.

No one with good intentions would do what they have done.
Their needs or trauma don’t over ride OPs. I’d suggest the people who think they do examine how they treat other people in their lives or allow others to treat them because to doesn’t reflect well from either angle.

Couldn’t care less, tbh. The same way they clearly couldn’t care less that they were upsetting OP. Their trauma doesn’t overrule hers.