Called the police

[Highfivemum]

Had a person contact me previously stating that we shared the same parent. It could be true as had a very difficult and complicated childhood and one which I don’t want to remember. My DB and I chose to ignore it. Two days ago had a visit from a person stating they were related. I shut the door in their face. It was a huge shock and triggered every bad memory though I understand I should have acted better. Yesterday the door went again and it was a different person who also stated they were family and could they talk. I again shut the door. DH was going to stay at home today but had a meeting he had to go to and as soon as DH left for work the door goes again and it is both of them. I shut the door again and I called the police. I know it is not a police issue but I literally am sitting here shaking. DH is on his way home and DB can’t be contacted as away on business. I feel crazy for calling the police and no idea what they will say to me but I was so worried and panicked. Anyone know what can be done. ? I don’t want to know these people
and have no idea how they have traced me and found out my address. It is a mess and I feel ill with worry.

Have you missed where OP said her husband has asked them to leave multiple times?

She's communicated very effectively by slamming the door in their face. 4 times.

If they are the sort that don't take that as a clear message, they won't take "go away" will they?

Again, your daughter is being harassed by a man and she ignores him as she feels safer to do that. Is she in the wrong? It's a very simple question.

Well clearly her house isn’t on fire. And clearly tey don’t have any information she needs to know or they would have sent it through official channels.

Seriously the people telling the OP she’s unreasonable or should be speaking to these people need to get a grip.

She doesn’t need to speak to anyone she doesn’t want to.

If Jahova’s witnesses or door-to-door salesmen keep knocking on her door or hang around her driveway should she be obliged to tell them to go away and think it reasonable if they don’t if she doesn’t.

These people are nobodies. There is absolutely no reason for them to be hanging around on her driveway. None what so ever. She doesn’t owe them anything. Even if they are siblings looking for links to their heritage.

In cases such as adoption there are agencies who handle this stuff precisely because people just don’t know what they’re doing or letting themselves in for by knocking on a stranger’s door and announcing they’re a long lost sibling.

Take it from one who knows....telling them to go away (or "fuck off and leave me alone" was how I worded it), means diddly squat to some people.
OP, ask your DP to get them to give him their address on the pre-text that you will be in touch when you're "ready to talk" and send them a strongly worded solicitors letter...worked for me, I haven't heard from/seen my "long lost relative" since.

I would initially have said that contacting the police was a bit ott, but following your updates, they are now making a nuisance of themselves by refusing to leave despite being told to by your dh. It sounds scarey and creepy, and not something a rational person would do, so I wouldn’t want to engage with them at all. Hopefully though they will stick around til the police arrive, and the police can then give them a caution to leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, then go down the restraining order route, as it then becomes stalking and harassment.

She doesn't actually say they insist on speaking to her directly. It's a fair assumption, but it's possible her husband just hasn't said "you'll speak to me or nobody" and seen what they do.

You poor thing. I can't believe they haven't left. If the police don't come just leave them there. They will need a wee at some point and will sod off.

This has escalated and whether or not this is a civil matter, you are clearly frightened and anxious. If they're actually on your driveway then I believe you can call the police, so do call them again. This could turn into a harrassment issue. I really feel for you, and sincerely hope they go away and never come back. Big hugs OP. You have your own reasons not to want to speak to them, and you owe them nothing.

If the police still haven't responded, this seems like a good plan OP.

YANBU - this sounds very stressful for you, and you owe them nothing.

What is unclear if that they don't know if they keep trying whether she will eventually speak to them, they obviously think what they have got to say is extremely important or they think their persistence will pay off, they need to be put straight.

I'm not saying they are right, they aren't, I'm saying ignoring a problem is not making it go away, OP needs to make her WISHES KNOWN then refuse to engage.

If you just refuse to engage, chances are the person is going to keep trying, no that is not your fault.

So a man is bothering your daughter in a bar.

Comparing someone turning up at your door who is apparently a relative who wants to talk to you about something vs drunk predator 'bothering' you in a bar is very goady and not at all comparable, plus in a bar you have someone who you can escalate that to (bar manager), and police if they are acting inappropriately.

At no time have I said OP is 'at fault' for this interaction, but ignoring something won't automatically make it go away.

I think slamming the door in their face and her husband telling them to leave IS doing that.

@sandrafarringdon66 Wtf?? They are stalking her and refusing to leave her property. Trespassing, stalking, casing the house, banging doors and not leaving and she is the unhinged one???

You keep posting as if the DH hasn't been clear to them. They know her wishes. That is not the issue here.

HER HUSBAND HAS TOLD THEM TO GO AWAY.

SHE HAS NOT RESPONDED TO EMAILS.

SHE HAS SHUT THE DOOR ON THEM. MULTIPLE TIMES.

She HAS made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing to do with these people.

Are posters on here really this dense?

Do you genuinely not understand how to take a hint? 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

With caveats that this applies to earlier part of the thread, when her husband had not returned - the thing is, she knows what Jehovah's Witnesses and salesmen want. She had no idea what these people want, they might have wanted to give her a giant postcode lottery cheque, and the fact that they were related was entirely coincidental. She was slamming the door and refusing to listen for a second. Yes, they could communicate that in other ways, but if they had come a long way to tell her something, going away and writing a letter when they knew that if she listened for 30 seconds she'd want to hear them out would have seemed a huge waste of time to them.

Now, of course they could just tell her husband so that changes things entirely.

This is not normal behaviour from them. They shouldn’t be hanging around waiting to speak to you when they have been told by your DP that you don’t want to see them. It’s very intimidating. They are either completely oblivious to anyone else’s feelings, or there is something very serious that they feel needs urgent attention. Something of a sensitive nature perhaps. I am kind of speaking from experience here. Some information came to light in my family a few years ago and it was all very complicated and at times deeply unpleasant.

She slammed the door in their face. I think that’s a pretty clear message that she doesn’t want to speak to them. Don’t you?

Where do we draw the line at having to take responsibility for others’ behaviour.

A creep is coming on to a woman in a bar, does she have to tell him no before he’ll stop? Is she in the wrong if she just walks away and he continues to follow her?

If a man on a dating site sends a woman dick pics is it not ok to block him because she hasn’t asked him to stop?

Why is it her fault that they’ve not got the hint when she slammed the door? Oh wait, it isn’t.

Personally if they haven’t got the message after having the door slammed in their face, or being told to leave by the husband (note, they have been told to leave) then maybe a bucket of cold water out of an upstairs window might do the trick.

Bullshit. If what they had to say was important, they would have said it in the email. They can even send it through their solicitors. They can even tell her husband. So don't give us that crap.

As a pp said, they have been told to go away.

And if they are the type to think they simply need to persist after 4 door slams (which is quite brutal) then I'm not sure being told to go away would work either, people like this IME would take that as at least the line of comms is open.

And it's the same thing - someone is being bothered by someone else and they feel safer ignoring. Good to know you'd have double standards if it came to your daughter.

We don't know the husband has told them to go away; it's a reasonable assumption, but we have no idea how ineffectual or otherwise her husband is. She's said they are "refusing to leave" but not whether they've been directly told to.
She doesn't know that these are the same people who sent the emails.
The shutting the door without giving them 10 seconds to announce why they are there has been dealt with many times so I won't go over it again.

Just go out and hear what they have to say
You don't have to give any information, but they may have something to tell you which is important. Or maybe nothing, but at least then you won't spend forever wondering.

Keen, aren't they?! Have they refused to say to DH what they want? I wonder if it is an organ thing as a pp suggested? But they must be very thick skinned after multiple slammings of the door and messages saying get lost to still be there!

I wonder if one of them was a victim of childhood abuse and suspects you were too, and wants to tell you something eg he's going to court

It's just another assumption that these people sent the email.

Doesn’t matter. OP doesn’t need to hear it or respond