To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

I wouldn't post on AIBU about this as responses might not be so helpful as you navigate this choice - I'd consider reposting in Private Schools or Education!

Thanks, I did worry about that.

Hello. Do you know what years you’d send her? Not early years? If you can afford two years then you’re looking at year 5 & 6 which is some way off.

scholarships tend to be 10-15% max, so if you got a music scholarship then it would not have covered your fees.

Bursaries are more generous. Up until year 4 you need to support your daughter to have diverse interests out of school, including music and sport, take her to parks and museums. Read to her every day, fill her world with books and play!

lego, play doh, craft, music, etc etc

please be mindful of inflation. You will not get a scholarship or bursary for a prep school, it’s very unlikely so you’d pay for a couple of years of prep to get her into a senior school on a bursary,

You would be way better at this stage making changes such that you move to an area with better state schooling - whether grammar or otherwise.

I think responses are going to be very skewed by people’s feelings about private schools, rather than a genuine consideration as to whether a private school is in your particular child’s best interests. Bear in mind a significant proportion of Mumsnet are opposed on principle to private schools, and many more feel resentful that some children have access to a private education when it is not a realistic affordable option for their child, and may automatically say you are unreasonable for considering private school for those reasons.

Would pre- registering for a local private school require any kind of deposit/ financial commitment? If not, there’s nothing to lose by putting her name down to buy yourself more time to decide. Personally I’m a believer in doing whatever you can as a parent to give your child the best educational opportunities possible, and if local to you that means a private school, and you can afford that without having to restrict other areas of your lifestyle excessively then I’d be seriously considering it. Is there any chance you will have more children in the future? Would you be able to afford private school for them too if so? I would think very carefully before offering an opportunity like that to one child and not their siblings as that is a recipe for resentment.

Thanks for your reply.
My thoughts were private for early years because because I had already saved some for nursery fees and the schools I am looking at do have 15 free hours and vat doesn't apply. They are more structured with some academic curriculum which I am sure would challenge DD. Somewhat ironically, the tuition fees are actually less than a full time place at many local nurseries.

In a few years I may be able to move in which case I would go to an area with good state/possibly grammar schools. Or applying for a secondary scholarship place but that is all further down the line.

My worry is that if she is reading before school that she will just be sat in the classroom bored.

You are not being unreasonable to consider it but the rationale in your op doesn't have a lot to suggest it's necessary.

You childhood experiences and your brother's suggest you may be a genetically neurodiverse family, do you think that's possible?

You really can't tell at 13 months which children are genuinely gifted and which are simply doing their milestones at the right time for them but with no long-term acceleration. In most primary schools there's no detectable difference between the cohort of "early" talkers/walkers/readers etc vs the cohort of "late" once they get to y3/4. Your description of how amazingly talented your 13mo is doesn't prove she is a genius (though I am sure she is wonderful)

Accelerating a child's learning eg by getting them to A-Level at age 14 is often damaging. Putting a child into a hothouse of academic drive can destroy their emotional wellbeing.

And frankly if you can't comfortably afford private school for 14 years you would be very foolish to blow your money on private in the earliest years. Scholarships are rarely possible before y7.

I would keep her in state education, at least for now, but save as hard as you can. Depending on how much you can save AND how she develops, you might consider moving to private for y7, y9 or y12.

An advanced 13-month-old is not really an indication of future academic ability.

My brother has First Class STEM degrees from Cambridge and Harvard (the latter on a full scholarship) but you wouldn't have been able to tell when he was 5 (or 13 months old) that he was in any way advanced. He matured much later at secondary school.

If she's that smart by the time she's in years 5&6 she can sit the super selective grammar exams. No need to go private. (Saying this as the mother of a kid who has been privately educated since reception and is now doing her GCSES - I'm just counting down the days to be able to send her to a state sixth form).

Thanks for this. You make a good point but I'm one and absolutely done. Can I afford private school? No, not at all! It would take up my entire salary!
My current circumstances, however, which I won't go into now, mean that I can pay the fees possible for nursery and reception and possibly year 1 at which point I would be moving to an area with better state schools.

My dd sounds similar to yours at the same age. She has really been challenged and is never bored at her current school, she started in reception. We felt this has been money well spent (and we can afford until university fortunately although we aren’t wealthy). I think if we had a more average child, we would have chosen the state sector to save some money, so I get it.

It’s a difficult one as you said you can’t afford private for the whole education and will be reliant on scholarship or bursary (which are getting less and less available or lucrative due to 20%VAT) I would keep her at a state school really if you can’t afford it for the duration or switch her later. In fact I will move to a better area now with better state schools rather than the other way around.

i think @pbdr has made some very valid considerations.

First of all, she's a baby. Slow down.

I'd consider moving into a better area with good state schools/grammar schools over just doing private school for the early years and then having to pull her out because even with scholarships or any other financial assistance, it's unlikely you'll be able to afford it which isn't going to be nice for her if she's settled.

Instead of racing ahead, I'd also challenge her with other things as she gets older such as learning an instrument, learning a new language, sport etc and focus on things she may be 'weaker' on such as making friends or riding a bike.

Keep in mind that private school won't magically make her not bored if she continues to be incredibly advanced. She does also need to learn to be bored and how to manage it, everyone does at some point.

I understand and agree with everything you are saying.

Yes there is a lot of neuro diversity both sides of the family.

Your point about children evening out by years 3 and 4 does fit in with my thoughts process. If she is ahead in reception and year 1, I would like to put her in an environment where she is sufficiently challenged and where she can enjoy school rather than being bored. Later on, if she is very academic then I would I would apply for a scholarship or bursary, but it's very much a cross that bridge when we get there sort of scenario.

I'm not saying my child is a genius at all 😅 she is advanced, and of course I want to support her the best I can.

Should mention my brother was never pushed. He was just really good at maths. Never did one bit of revision. He could just do it 😅

Does sound like your brother was gifted, and possibly you too and your daughter sounds very bright but hard to tell at this age if she's gifted. Don't think there's any point going private at this age. The age where it would really make a difference is secondary school, so you should save your money for then. You can do state nursery, reception and primary and then either try for grammar schools or apply for a bursary for secondary at a private school. A scholarship will only pay for a small percentage of the fees, so if you can't afford the fees at all, then you should apply for a bursary.

All great points and food for thought. I am absolutely racing ahead and I think it's the pressure of waiting lists. I mean, some of the schools I've looked have say they recommend registering your child before 6 months. (Which sound crazy to me because how do you know which school will be the best fit for your child when they are still in nappies?)

That is what I am trying to do now. We play a lot outside and are learning another language together.

My circumstances are odd. I can't move at the moment. It's just not possible. But in 5 years time, that is my plan. My current local schools are particularly bad, which is what is really pushing me in this direction.

Make sure you research these schools well and don't just take their word on it. Look at their admission policies too, some may require 3+ or 4+ entrance tests if you are looking at selective schools.

@starray
A lot of people say it really makes a difference in secondary and I am trying to understand that perspective.

The way I see it is that there is a lot of variation in ability when children start school as it takes some time for everyone to get to the same point. But those first few years are so important for instilling a love for learning. Im keen to invest in that crucial period of a child's education. In secondary, children should be more responsible for their own learning. Children are put into sets and can choose subjects they enjoy. A bright child will do well whatever school they are in. For me it's not about getting good grades or getting into a top uni. The most important thing is being able to enjoy school, be challenged and introduced to new ideas and subjects from a young age. If you are given the tools to be a good learner from very young the hope is that you would take these with you as you move up through the school system.

I haven't looked at private secondary schools and have no idea how they compare to state. So, my current understanding may be from a place of ignorance.

If you need a discount on fees then you are looking for a bursary rather than scholarship. Your local private schools probably have a bursar that you can contact about this.
Scholarships are not usually worth as much as bursary. They are prestigious because it means excellent exam performance but only come with a small percentage discount or a perk like free music lessons iyswim

Household income needed to get a bursary varies by school but someone on the internet may have an idea about percentage discount and household income.

Thanks! It is a minefield. I'm trawling through all the fine print. The three I am considering say that if you are accepted into the nursery it is assessed by a "play date" and not an academic assessment. Nursery children automatically move up to reception. Which is another reason why I am considering nursery (since it is vat exempt, isn't much more than standard nursery and will hopefully avoid the pressure or testing - which I think is crazy, but that's for another day).

If you have limited fund secondary is the time to spend money on private school.

Secondary school is not how you imagine - budget cuts mean that the number of offered subjects are decreasing (I read a stat on here that 41% of schools no longer offer drama), there’s teacher shortages in key subjects like maths and science and a lack of special school places and PRUs etc mean that kids with problems aren’t being dealt with robustly. Private schools can kick out kids for whatever reasons that they want so can have a class of well behaved kids.

If you managed to get a bursary for primary, have you considered what transition to a state secondary is like ? If the private school is small and calm, going to a school with 300 in a year is going to be a massive adjustment.

I agree with pp that if you have limited funds, you should save for secondary maybe age 14 (year 10) or age 16 (year 12) so that exam years are calmer.

No at all unreasonable to consider private school.

Not in the same situation at all, but certainly being a parent is different to what you think being a parent is.

My daughter isn't even a year old but already considering home school and private school.
Everyone I know thinks I'm mad (husband included!) but personally don't think the state school system is what is best for my daughter and in a position where we can forward plan to make other options financially viable.

Obviously not everyone is in this position and we are fortunate to have state funded education but like you originally said "parenting the child you have".
If you think it is what is best (after weighing up all available options) and you are able to do it then go for it.

Interesting and all good points. Not disagreeing with you, however, I would have thought the same arguments apply to primary too in terms of behaviour, SEND, teacher shortages, etc.

The transition would be hard for sure. But then I think lots of children go through that transition eg. Moving from a sleepy primary to a large secondary.

That's it! Every parent wants what's best for their child. The state schools are in crisis at the moment.

My DH is an actual genius, it’s very hard being him. SoI hope for both your sakes you have a clever child.

You really want to save those pennies for secondary school if you think you want to go private.