To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

If I wanted to send my kids to private school for part of their education, I’d go for secondary, not primary.

If your child is genuinely exceptional, they are likely to be a bit bored even at an academic primary school.

My DS is an absolute maths whizz. He also started school able to read (he had read the Hobbit to himself, and understood a fair bit of it). He was still a normal 4yo who needed reminders to put his clothes on the right way round and enjoyed playing with his friends. He is at a state primary, who are doing a decent job of challenging him. It's not perfect, especially in maths, but I accept he still needs to join in the curriculum. He has actually quite enjoyed phonics, as although he can read, he doesn't actually know all the vowel diagraphs. He also challenges himself to write complicated examples!

I sometimes think private school would have been good for him, as they are typically teaching a year ahead. However, given his maths and reading are far more than a year ahead, I don't know if it would have fully challenged him. Neither of my kids particularly loved Reception and preferred the increased structure of year 1, so would have benefitted from a private school that jumped straight to more formal teaching methods, even though that goes against the EYFS. I'm sure Reception did them good in other ways though, in terms of learning to negotiate and so on.

As PP have said, I would be wary of starting something you can't continue. Private school nurseries are often very affordable with the funded hours. It can be hard (emotionally) to change schools for Reception so many stay on. I'd be careful of relying on a plan where you need increased financial assistance. If this doesn't work out, it will make for tough decisions.

In your circumstances I think you would be better off starting in state and continuing to save. You can supplement her learning outside school, as well as encouraging school to stretch her. You can then consider private secondary if needed.

You can't know yet what is best for your not yet one year old. Why not wait and look at the state schools as well?

In your position, I would send your dc to the private school nursery now, and then prioritise the move into an area with good schools. I know you say you can't right now, but plan to make this your priority.

Where I live, state schools are great. My dcs did/are doing better than my friends' dcs in private.

The other thing you need to factor in is the shorter school holidays for private school. You will be paying a lot of extra cash out for childcare which isn’t always available in some of the extra weeks the private schools are off. That could really matter for you as a single parent depending on arrangements for custody with the father as a reception-aged child will need childcare. You’re looming at £45-50 a day for 8-6 holiday care.

Next year I will have one of mine in a prep and one in state primary. The one in the prep will have nearly a month off at Easter compared to the 2 weeks in the state school. She will be old enough to potter around the house while I’m working but you couldn’t do that with my younger one.

Definitely be careful if you have a precocious reader as they likely to read things way beyond their understanding /what is appropriate! We are a literature loving family Dh and I both readers so our two both read v early and were voracious readers from a very young age remember dd1 reading the paper and coming out with some concerning questions! They both get effortless 9s for everything word related - that said we are all pretty crap at maths!

Sounds like you don't have the funds to manage private school.

However even if you did please recognise that your daughter is in a much better position than you were, because she has YOU. An interested parent exposing a child to different experiences and conversations makes a huge difference to academic achievement.

Finally remember that private schools are not perfect either. Being the poorest kid at private school is a challenge as much as being the smartest kid in state school. I know people who seemed very well off to my eyes, but beside their private school peers they thought they were poor - it was a very odd self perception (think of Rishi Sunak moaning about not having Sky TV 🤣)

“I don't think the transition would be too bad, going from reception to year 1. It's no different really from going from any other childcare setting to school.”

This isn’t true a lot of the time I’m afraid. Many children find the year 1 transition one of the hardest within primary. They go from early years to a lot of structure and learning and lots don’t cope with it very well.

If you miss reception and then go to year 1 you’ve missed all the settling in, the social things for parents, a year of forming friendships etc. I think going from reception with a very small class into 30 in y1 or 2 could be quite a shock to the system. Not insurmountable but I wouldn’t ignore some of
the social factors.

This. I have nothing against private schools, but having nearly sent ds to one, concluded that moving would be a better and cheaper idea.

in the end we did neither and he is happy in state

ywbu to rely on scholarships. Your child is still a baby. She may well be academically able but I expect availability of scholarships and bursaries to plummet in the years ahead in an attempt yo partly offset the increase in fees to parents

OP, there are several things going on here - all of which indicate private school is not a sensible choice and/or you’re basing it on the wrong things

• you’re using your and your brother’s schooling experiences as emotional fodder - this isn’t relevant
• advanced infants and toddlers aren’t indicative of academic achievement
• you can’t afford it
• actively intending to shift a child about in schools rather than aiming for consistency and stability is … not great

I would read up on neurodiverse brains - in some cases the brain develops at a rapid rate early and then slows down. Your DD may need the SEND support that you think takes up so much of State teachers time.

Having said that the fact you care about your daughter's education puts your child at a huge advantage - many, many parents don't value education. Don't stress, keep investing in experiences and play to help a lovely of learning.

The diversity thing was my main reason against opting for private, which we could afford. We wanted our dc to learn to muck along with everyone not just the privileged few.

I say that as someone who was very fortunate to have a private school education and loved it

Whatever you do is going to affect your child forever (‘they fuck you up, your mum and dad’ - just like you’re affected into adulthood by not being allowed to go to private school), so accept that you can’t make a perfect choice. We moved around a lot as a child and it wasn’t great for me, so for my kids we are staying put until they’re through school. So my initial response to your post is to move now, before your kid starts any school, and then she won’t have to move schools. Even if you’re not moving house, moving school is disruptive, so if you can’t afford private, move to where there are good state schools before reception age. Very few people actually can’t move, they just don’t want to. I guess you’re caring for someone who is 95 or something and won’t be around in 5 years?

Same! I really wanted INclusive - exclusive really doesn’t appeal to me.

If you can only afford a couple of years, no, don't do it.
She is barely 1, you cannot know how capable she is, and if she truly is that brilliant, she will be fine in a state environment with you providing enrichment.

Move somewhere else using your savings if where you are is so awful.

It‘s way too soon to be thinking about this, you need to look at the schools local to you but nearer the time, a lot changes. No way I would pay for private with the excellent state schools we have near us, if she’s naturally bright she will excel anyway, it doesn’t sound like you have the money and means to utilise private education in the way wealthy families do. It’s not some golden ticket to guaranteed success, especially if you’re scraping pay for a mediocre school.

As a single parent you’d likely be much better investing in her in other ways. Are you still military?

I think you need to slow down.

Your child is 13 months old.

We have twins - both passed 11 plus and started in grammars - one struggled and we moved her to private due to her Sen needs so I have a lot of experience of primary / senior government schools and two private senior schools.

I think there is a misconception in the community that private schools are better for bright kids - I’ve not found that at all. Each private school is different - some local ones can have a lot of Sen kids who need extra support. I definately think my son’s free government school is a better academic option than my daughter’s private school. But she does better with the small class sizes in a private school and it’s meant she has flourished for this reason where she was struggling due to sensory overload in her well regarded free government school.

I be would send her to a private nursery attached to prep school using your free hours.

of it turns out she is exceeding expectations and the environment is right for her you can continue through prep for a bit.

if it turns out she’s an early developer and others catch up you could chose to switch to state primary and aim for 7 or 11+ and use the money towards some tutors. You could apply them for scholarship and/or bursary.

I think if you like the idea of a private education there’s no reason why you should t explore it.

I'm not against state or grammar education per se but do with state was mikes better so those who don’t have funds or an exceptional skill don’t miss out.

As some PPs have mentioned - possibly autism: pattern seeking (recognising letters etc) at a young age can be indicative of this). Do you know of any autism in your family?

To your question: wait until she is older. And factor in the term fees are just the basic payments needed, there are plenty of other things which would cost that you need to accommodate.

The "bright child being bored at school" thing does not kick in during YR-Y3 at all precisely because there's such a huge variation in when children meet milestones. There's very little whole-class uniformity and it's genuinely beneficial for the most able children to be in a mixed-ability class. I have experienced myself many times that if I understand something well and am getting high marks that's great, but the understanding I have and my ability to remember it long-term (rather than it falling out of my memory when not regularly practicing it, as one does with schoolwork when moving from topic to topic) is massively enhanced if I am asked to explain the thing I understand to someone who doesn't understand. Enthusiasm for school and education in early years is set by parental attitudes, how much you engage with her outside of school and get her to make connections (let's count the trees along this road. There's 3 swings on each swing frame and there's 2 swing frames so there's 6 swings because 2x3 is 6). Reading with her at home is important. Having lots of books at home is important. Her seeing you reading books for pleasure as a leisure activity (rather than seeing you always with your eyes on a screen when not on her) is important. The attitude and intelligence of her classmates is really not that important at that age.

I am not surprised that the private school fees seem affordable to you for YR & Y1 - most private schools do this, it's to lure in the people who are vascillating because they know there's nothing wrong with the free version at that age. The fees ramp up a step for y2/3/4 and then another significant step up for y5/6 when the quality of school and attitude of peers really does start to be significant, and state education starts getting less differentiated as the "evening out" I wrote of before has generally happened and the bulk of the class are at a similar stage, and they start practicing for SATS which gets very dull indeed.

I am generally pro-private-school - though I wish we as a country funded state education enough that it wasn't necessary. When even a nominally socialist government is requiring schools to cut staff and make savings I can't hope for that - so under those circumstances I see nothing wrong with those who can afford it spending their money to buy something better than state provision. I just think that if your funds are limited and you cannot pay fees in full for 14 years then yR and Y1 are the least effective time to spend what you have.

We saved everything we could with DC in state until y6., then private for y7-y11 when I believe the extra money has the biggest impact, when the attitude of peers and the culture of the school have the highest influence. I would have liked to start at y5, as DC was definitely bored and frustrated at state for the last 2 years of primary, so if you have realistic options for excellent state selective gramnar schools for y7 it might be that y5-y6 are the best option for you.

My DD is nowhere as advanced as yours is, actually, her speech was quite delayed, but she was recognised as being very bright at nursery.

She attended a good primary school and a below average secondary school in terms of results. However, the school has a great ethos, encouraged independent skills and the pupils were overall lovely. They recognised the needs of very bright pupils and in a way, because they were significantly fewer than at a private school, they gave them more attention as individuals. DD thrived, even if bored at time, but it taught her to adapt to a realistic world and make friends from any background.

She attended a very average college where she also received the individual attention she needed to aced all her A levels and get her where she wanted to be. I'm so pleased she attended these schools.

Saying that, she was still within the rims of 'normal' intelligence. Kids who are geniuses, who are 2 or more years ahead are another kettle of fish and are often homeschooled any way. Just wait and see how she fares. Remember that school is not just about developing intellectual learning but also social skills.

I wouldn’t waste my money on private for reception/year one if I could only afford a few years. I’d save that for secondary, and instead spent the early years ensuring she doesn’t miss out on play and developing other skills. She may have hyperlexia if you’re already noticing she can read/notice letters.

Gifted children can struggle because it’s not noticed and it can be hard to think and take in information differently to their peers. I think the tendency is to assume they need challenging constantly, whereas I think we forget they are still children who deserve the chance to play!

Also OP, you said yourself you and your brother excelled in school. You both did very well and got good qualifications, what you didn’t have was an engaged parent at home supporting you, pushing you, and helping you work out your options. That is the biggest part of the puzzle, you will be that parent.

I think the money would be better spent positioning yourself in a good area for state schools, extra curriculars, holidays, and explore scholarships when she’s older. You have to be realistic as to what you can provide, and she only has one childhood, do you really want to scrimp and save at the cost of all else for something she may not even need/want. You can help her with her future, whilst providing security and and enrichment now. It can be a lot of pressure on a child to over stretch for something with high expectations.

It's for you to choose the most appropriate school so I won't comment on that, other than to say that I wouldn't recommend paying for a couple of years and then moving her... that seems very disruptive to me. Having said that, it isn't clear as to whether you might have to move at that point in any case, so the disruption might have to happen anyway.

What I really wanted to say is that I think you're fixating too much on the academic stuff. Yes, she sounds clever. Too early to say how clever, but she is clearly well ahead of her milestones and it's easy to get swept away by that if you're not careful. My dd was very similar and I remember it well.

But presumably your goal as a parent isn't to produce the cleverest kid on the block who does everything way ahead of all the others? It isn't a race and you don't get any prizes for hitting milestones early. It's surely far more important that your dc grows into a happy, well-balanced, functional kid who is able to make the best of her natural abilities and get along with the people around her?

If she's really intelligent, that intelligence isn't going to evaporate. So I would focus on the other aspects of her development -especially the social and emotional stuff. Especially if she is potentially neurodivergent, because she may struggle with that side of things. I see so many parents of "gifted" children neglecting the bigger picture in favour of focusing on the academics, but ultimately, it's the social and emotional stuff that will make the biggest positive difference in her life. So choose a school that will support her in that area. Whether that happens to be state or private doesn't really matter.

Don't get too hung up on how clever she is. My dd continued to be exceptionally clever and has done brilliantly academically, but she is also a very well rounded person with lots of friends and the skills that will enable her to get on in life. I excelled at the academic stuff but wasn't encouraged in other areas...a fact that I deeply regret.

I don't actually think it matters that much what type of school you pick for your dd. I think it is your approach to parenting that will make the biggest difference. And I would encourage you to not get too caught up in how academically brilliant she might be, and to focus on the bigger picture of nurturing her into a healthy, happy and well balanced child who knows how to function effectively in the world.