To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

I would drag myself over hot coals to keep my kids out of the state school system.

If money is tight I would start at primary age and figure it out from there. If you have skills that will allow you to do a second job freelancing in the evening, get that going now.

Some of the things you have mentioned have nothing to do with intelligence. I remember speaking to a GP about speech when my DS was a similar age and she told me that her DD didn’t talk until she was 3, she went on to study medicine at Oxford and become a neurosurgeon.

I could read full books at age 3 and was considered an amazing reader. I’ve always been good at English but nothing exceptional. I’m pretty average academically.

She doesn't know phonics graphemes. She can identify commonly used words (like her name, bear, owl from memory) and knows the alphabet by their phonetic sounds. So she will for example see an 'a' and say 'ah' and point out a 's' and say mama 'sssss'. She does this for approx 20 different letters consistently and does it when I am reading to her.

you can’t put her in a private school with the plan to move her after two years. That wouldn’t be fair at all.

I think that choosing Nursery + Reception for private, then state thereafter with the hope of bursaries or grammar at secondary, you are spending money at the point where actually state is pretty good, and so not using that money most effectively.

If you have money for 1 year (assuming you have to spend nursery money anyway), I’d use it in late KS2, with the aim of preparing your child for selective entry exams. For state grammars, tutoring in at least Y5 in addition to state or private school is the norm, so saving fiercely to see if you can manage Y5 and Y6, plus tutoring in Y5, would probably serve you best.

For nursery, consider whether you only need term-time or full-time childcare. Term-time, a private school nursery might be fine, though holidays are LONG.

OP, I absolutely wouldn’t send your child to private school just for a couple of years at the beginning of school. What I would do, though, if you are in a position to afford it, is to find a good Montessori nursery and send your DD there - it will give her a very good grounding for school, and not all the children there will go on to private school.

Your child is 13 months old. Whilst I appreciate you are “trying to prepare” the only reasonable thing to do is save money to pay school fees.

My niece went to a state primary school. Year 5 she moved to a private school. It was clear to everyone except BIL and SIL that this was a bad idea.

From birth, they expected this little girl to be a genius and outsmart her peers and her cousins.

This was not the case, she was an average student who struggled academically.

Fast forward to now, she won’t pass the Year 9 exams to stay at her current private school. She now won’t manage with the transition to state secondary due to her personality so will be moving to another private school out of our area and will need to get two buses each way.

It’s all too much based on assumptions made whilst she was in nappies and being so determined they had a genius they weren’t sensible in thinking about her as an actual person.

Lol op my son is exceptionally academically able. He's old enough that its not my opinion, its whats school have identified.

Are you still in the armed forces? If so, some private schools offer a hefty reduction for children whose parents are in the armed forces so that could be a route.

As you say that you can only just afford it I would concentrate on doing secondary only and save towards that. If your DD is gifted then she will get much more out of secondary school. Whereas if you start at primary and run out of money I think that would be hard for her.

Theres nothing to stop you sending her to private nursery - then state primary - then back for private secondary.

That would be my advice anyway, I’ve only done private secondary for mine as tbh that’s all we could afford.

Wouldn't bother, most private schools aren't great value for money if there are good enrichment options in the area.

I think you're London based so if you're thinking music, look at Junior Guildhall/Kindermusic from a young age, state school and supplement with music lessons, cultural stuff.

The one thing private schools tend to do "better" than state is adding extra curriculars in one place limiting the "parent taxi" phase which is hard if working full time with limited support, but again, London transport options probably limits that at late primary age.

I'd aim for selective secondary and throw the potential year at private school money at tutors, sports and music - the Junior Conservatoire stuff isn't cheap!!!

I would have thought in that case you would have had more empathy and understanding rather than being immediately dismissive and condescending.

I think - and I was guilty of this too, so it comes from no judgement- that it is easy to label a child as ‘unusually gifted’ rather than ‘unusual’. By applying the ‘gifted’ label, it is possible to overlook the ‘lower’ parts of their profile, the areas that they find unusually hard or are simply less ‘ahead’ in. In thinking about education, it’s probably as important to think about ‘how to develop those other areas - that might be unusually low’ rather than just ‘how to develop the already high areas’.

It is also important to remember that a child may well initially be ‘ahead’ in the areas that you attach importance and time to, and so you need to be alert to areas - both of giftedness and deficit - that you may not have yourself or attach less importance to. Children of musicians often show musical aptitude early - through exposure and what a parent is willing to expend much time on - but nay not go on to be musicians themselves. DD, for example, is unusually able in two areas that I myself have no aptitude for, discovered only through my determination to find as wide a range of extra curricular activities as possible. DS initially appeared unusually able in areas that I naively focused on and had lots of time for, but in the end had both deficits and very high ability in areas that I didn’t initially ‘see’.

Very few prep schools offer scholarships, which are mainly given out at secondary school level. Starting private school is a risky choice if you can’t afford to stick with it, because it’s difficult changing systems (one of my children had to do this due to lack of funds - she did most of her schooling in the state system and is now at a RG university so it did her no damage in the long run but in year 10 she was doing maths she’d done in year 7 at private school, so she felt she was treading water for a long time).

In your position I’d move to a grammar school area and put your money into extra tuition to help her pass 11+.

I concur with private school for the earlier years. We were luckily in an area with a good Grammar school so DC privately educated until secondary level

If there's autism in your family you're facing a totally unpredictable journey. My kids and my nephew/niece are all autistic. All scored hugely above average on their HV tests. The were early movers, all ahead with vocabulary, advanced with number and shape recognition, one spoke two languages fluently from an early age.

But... all have struggled hugely from mid primary age onwards. They have needed support from all sorts of school based services like educational psychology, autism teachers etc. These come via the council and I'm not aware of them being available to normal (not SEN) private schools. Also many autistic kids thrive on highly adapted curriculum tailored to their interests. From what I've heard private schools aren't willing to support that level of need.

You might never get to see your child but that’s ok because at least you will keep them out of the state school system !!!

I haven’t read the full post yet but my advice would be to ensure that you live in an area with good state secondary schools, to keep your options open at least.

We have two very bright DS and fell for the “bright child will do anywhere”, and in retrospect took our eye off the ball thinking that the local secondary would be okay but it really wasn’t. It’s currently rated as “well below average” for its progress score, according to government figures, with the worst scores by far for the higher ability cohort and boys. Both DS were failed academically and pastorally, and we had to move to private part way through years 10 (not advised) and 9. Private being necessary due to long waiting lists for any other local state school places and to match options, and the smaller classes have helped with filling their educational gaps.

It’s a struggle to pay the fees (+VAT but I won’t go there) and something we could have avoided both in terms of stress to the DC and cost if we had moved ahead of secondary. (To add that I appreciate that we have this option though and that other people can’t afford it at all)

If you think sitting on your arse having ‘me time’ watching a film on a night is more important than a good education you are deluded.

I see my children no less than the average parent. I don’t miss school functions and they have cooked from scratch food on the table every day. I organised my evenings in their early years to ensure there was enough money to give them a good education.

Now they aren’t interested in what I do in the evenings. They have hobbies, music, homework, clubs and are extremely well rounded kids. You won’t ever make me feel guilty for working to give them the best of opportunities.

All I hear when people like you say silly things like that is I didn’t do enough to give my children the tools to be the best they can be.

I’ve posted this on threads before - my DS was an incredibly advanced baby. I thought he was a genius because he said his first clear word at 8 months and was conversing fluently by about 14 months, and doing all of the things you say your child can do (so I can believe it), including the French because we took him to a baby French class. He could also sing in French and has perfect pitch so could identify notes by ear and complained when people sang out of tune or in a different key from the original.

Roll on a few years and he’s 6 and at primary school and bright yes, but not out of the ordinary and not even the top of his class (he is summer born and has nothing on those autumn born girls!).

And what is more, I am positively glad that he’s not exceptional because in most cases that comes with challenges. He is happy and fantastic socially, and that is actually the biggest predictor of future happiness and success.

You don’t need to be fixating on private school as some kind of panacea just because you had a bad experience at state school as a child. You’ve got time to identify a good state school that will support your child academically but also socially. She will have no problem accessing a grammar school for secondary if she continues to do well academically, and then you can save your money for enriching extra curricular experiences.

For now, just chill out and enjoy her as you would any other child. Bright children don’t need anything different or special, just love like all kids.

I agree it is too early to know how your child will develop and plenty peers could be similarly capable by the time you get to school age, however it does sound like your little one is particularly advanced for their age. Worthwhile keeping an eye from a neurodivergence lens, particularly with your family backgrounds.

In terms of the best thing for them, I'd suggest visiting and seeing the various settings you're considering and take a look at what environment is going to be a good fit for your little one. Forest learning sounds a wonderful outlet and speaking from experience with my little ones who are pre-school age, the outdoor play has being a truly excellent offering for them to build their motor skills, risk taking, curiosity, balance etc.

To share my experience of private school nursery, the one my (high functioning autistic) daughter attends has been outstanding for her development. She has come on night and day in a year, she is being challenged with maths at a stage the year beyond her peer group by the teachers as she is capable and this is building her foundations in numeracy. She is not being over stretched, more just being exposed to foundations which are helping her development, from outdoor play to activities developing her gross and fine motor movements to a lot of exposure to language and numeracy. For us, a handful of years private have been and will continue to be so worthwhile.

A lot of people prioritise secondary stage, as it is leading up to exam stages and the pathway from there is on to university, careers, jobs, however I think there is an enormous underestimation of the importance of early years. Ages 0-5 and 5-8 are incredibly important for brain development and set the foundation for future learning and behaviour.

A few years in a brilliant setting isn't to be underestimated. However it would be good to think about the overall education plan for your child - how will you provide them consistency in good quality education and minimise disruption. Think about the transition points if you are to move them school down the line, and ideally mitigate the number of times they will be socially impacted from school / location changes which may disrupt their social relationships and could impact their confidence. In an ideal world perhaps you could start them off somewhere they could get great exposure for their development but not need to move on from albeit children can be pretty adaptable when they're young in my experience. I'm sure your child will thrive whatever you chose and sounds like you're doing a lot of reading which is the most important thing you could be doing with them ongoing over the years.

Talk to the state schools. Ask if there’s a way to chat to some parents of gifted children about their experiences with the schools. I really wouldn’t start her in private then move back to state. The other way round is much better. But also, you may well be surprised at how well some state schools do cater for exceptional children.

@HowManyDucks have you actually been around to look at your local state primaries? Why do you think they are so bad?

Look at Christs Hospital school. Could be a good option in a decade.

Something to think about in the future is whether your DD will want to go to a school where the majority have a lot of money and she doesn’t. Some kids will have all the latest toys and cool clothes. Some may go abroad every holiday.

my kids went state for primary and private for secondary. It’s a staggering amount of money and the extras add up. DS is top level sport and we had to £250 recently for a 2 night trip to a competition at the other end of the country. I look at my sisters kids who went to the local comp…. And one got into Cambridge.

I honestly wouldn’t go private in your situation. Being honest, although the kids had a great experience at their school, if I had my time again I’d prob make different decisions and sent them state.

If you only used private for 2 years then switched to state then the best state schools won’t have space for your child and you might not get a space there for years (possibly never) The state schools with space are likely to be the ones that aren’t so good and may be a complicated journey away from your house. If you want to do 2 years in private then it’s probably best to start off in the best state that you can then switch but check that the secondaries that you would choose don’t have feeder primaries