To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

@HowManyDucks please DM me. Have info to share but don’t feel comfortable posting it on the main board

I was with you until I read that your dad is 13months.

it is important not to project onto your dd and I think you would be wise to see how she gets on at school first before making a decision.

If It takes up your entire salary then you can’t afford it and your money would be better spent on extra curricular activities at home and experiences you can share together

Im all for private schools for whatever reasons if it’s best for the child but I can’t get on board with anyone who wants to start without having the funds to finish. I just don’t think it’s fair. You don’t have the savings, you don’t earn enough and it’s really not fair on the child to not have that security. ( genius or not) sorry OP.

i’m not sure if this is helpful whatsoever but I was like your little girl. I have learned (on here!) that it’s called hyperlexia (?). I talked early and I learned to read way before school - when I was 3ish. One day I couldn’t read and the next day I could. And once I could read I could (and did!) read everything.

I found school quite difficult (now I’m pretty sure I have adhd like my brother and son - who was also hyperlexic). I skipped the first year of junior school and went from y2 to y4 which was great until I had to repeat y6 because they wouldn’t let me go to secondary a year early. That was the only time I was bored.

Anyway this is very long winded but just to say I’m totally normal. I’ve got good solid qualifications and a good (wordy!) job. But I’m not a genius.

And I went to state schools throughout. There are loads of really good state schools - especially in London (I grew up and still live in London - my school was great and my kids’ school is wonderful). I think the family your child comes home
to and the encouragement and support and conversation etc they get at home is massively important. Probably more so than the school itself. So you’re way ahead there.

Your little girl sounds amazing. Just don’t let her read Flowers in the Attic when she’s 9.

I think what others have said about extra activities makes sense.

I don’t think private nurseries or early years in private schools are going to be anymore advanced than in a state school, because most kids are going to be developmentally similar to each other. We looked round a private pre school recently. The literacy and numeracy isn’t any more advanced than what they’d be doing at the local primary. The work on the walls is no better. The classes are smaller and the environment is nicer but I think you’d be better ploughing that money into music class, language classes, maths club when she’s a bit older etc.

Honestly I probably wouldn’t send her at early years/primary school age unless you’re in a financial position to send her all the way through.
The transition back to a state school when she’s older will be harder once she’s made friends and settled into the private school.
I’d save the money and spend it on extra-curriculars to stretch her (music classes/sports/languages/tutors in subjects she loves etc).
I’d also want to keep the money so that you can afford the additional housing costs associated with moving to an area with good schools if that’s what you’re hoping to do in a few years time.
If you still think private school would be better for her but you only have enough for a few years then I’d start looking into bursaries and scholarships when she gets to secondary school age. If she doesn’t get one (or if it doesn’t cover enough of the fees) then I’d move her when she starts GCSES/A levels (or IB) and focus on spending the money during her exam and university application years.

because its a lot of money and secondary is where kids really benefit from smaller class sizes etc. Not all areas have grammar schools and the competition is huge. My two teens are both academically very bright. DD got 12 x grade 9 in her GCsE’s, DS got 9x9 and a few 8’s. They both went to an outstanding ofsted primary and secondary. None were bored or not challenged.

I think in the past not all kids were pushed to go to uni. Things have changed now. If you can afford private, go for it. But it sounds like it would be a challenge. You’d be better moving to an area with good secondaries. I personally wouldn’t waste my money on private for infants.

You are pressuring simply by the way you are approaching the subject. Already assuming she needs superior education when she has only just turned one is really excessive. Look up helicopter parents and see the outcomes for the children.

Op she hasn’t learnt her phonetics independently, you have been teaching her. It might balance out when you go back to work one would hope. You seem to be missing huge swathes of childhood that are just as important, if not more important. She is a baby, and you have been pushing her to learn phonetics - Ithat is just insane. She needs to learn to play, explore, learn about nature and wildlife, to be creative and enjoy music and new experiences etc.

Whether she is gifted or distinctly average, or whatever schooling you choose in the end, it really is best to stand back a little and let her become herself. The greatest gift we can give children is unconditional love and acceptance.

I live in central London too. The private schools are not as oversubscribed as they want you to believe. Since brexit, covid, falling birth rates and VAT, there is a lot less pressure on state and private school places.

There are also a lot of extremely good state primaries. Your perception of state primaries does not reflect my experience. It sounds more like a description of a state secondary school. Our state primary is extremely good - one of the best performing in the country in terms of academics. Behaviour is fine. Your description of your child sounds very like my friends child who attends the same primary. She was reading Harry Potter age 4. She had a great time at school, wasn’t bored, and will be commuting out to one of the south London grammars from September (an hour each way).

You admit you can’t afford private school fees so you would be crazy to send your child to one only to have to move when the money runs out. You won’t be entitled to a scholarship or bursary because these don’t exist at prep schools. You might get one for secondary school but it will only cover a maximum of 10-15% of fees. Bearing in mind most private secondaries are ~£30k and fees can increase ~5-7% each year, you’re still going to need to find a huge amount of money.

State schools in London are great. You should count yourself lucky that you have a lot of very good free options.

What do you plan to do in the circa 14-15 weeks a year the nursery is closed for school holidays?

My DD was absolutely precocious as an infant, I was having full on conversations with her at a year old and thought I had a full on genius on my hands. I could have written your post about her. 80

Once she turned 2 we started to notice some things that gave us cause for concern. Totally stagnated developmentally around age 3 and now we know that she is on the autistic spectrum. She's getting on well in mainstream with quite a bit of additional support.

What I'm trying to say isn't that your DD must be on the spectrum etc. But just to say that childrens progress and development isn't always linear and many state schools can handle SEN/different needs better than private schools are willing to do (there are always exceptions to the rules of course!).

My DD doesn't need stretching or challenging at this point, she needs reassurance, help with social skills and support understanding her work. The fact that her reading outstrips everyone else in her class by a country mile (hyperlexic) doesn't have really any impact.

I voted YABU.

If you can't afford private all the way through, you should prioritise private secondary school ahead of EYF, KS1 and KS2. Possibly invest in a tutor in Y5 if you are in a grammar area.

This is because during the primary school years, the parents/family unit are more influential on a DC's life - so as long as you are a good, involved parent, you will be able to instil good habits and keep your your DC interested in education, particularly if she's bright.

In secondary, the peer group becomes more important to the child, so having a good, solid, safe environment at school is crucial.

How 'bad' is your local state primary? Why is it 'bad'? My DC went to an awful primary for 1 year when we moved house. We were thinking of private then but we got a place at another school so it wasn't needed. There was a police officer at the school gate for a number of weeks due to parents fighting. There was an alleged knife incident in Y6. It really was bad, however, my DC's teacher and fellow pupils were very good so he wasn't really affected we just didn't want him in that environment.

Have you thought of a religious primary school? Could you start attending a Catholic church? They tend to have better results. My eldest went to a catholic primary before we moved house, even though we aren't religious - it was our closest primary and we got in, we were lucky in our year group that they had a couple of spare spaces.

Have you been into a state secondary school recently? I’d say the portrayal in the recent show adolescence is fairly accurate. By comparison I’d say the behaviour at most primary schools is under control, particularly in the first few years. We recently moved DC to private in year 5. Up until year 2 state primary was absolutely fine, disruptive behaviour started to have an impact from year 3 onwards, although I think this depends on the year group and in many schools I think a state primary is perfectly adequate. I would 100% save your money for private secondary. Even with possible bursary the fees are likely to be significant

Also I would strongly advise that you don’t share your thoughts about your 13 month old being gifted with anyone in real life. People will judge you for it. There is absolutely no way that you can tell if a child that young will be academically gifted. I’d say that my DC academic potential is only really becoming more clear now at aged 10

Many private schools have a nursery attached. You could enroll your daughter and get a vibe for the school. Do you have any state grammar schools nearby for secondary education?

If you can afford it I would move to a better area. There are fantastic schools around. We are just about to move ourselves for better high school options

I agree with this excellent post. It’s not unreasonable but it’s too early AND you can’t comfortably or uncomfortably afford private for any length of time.

additionally I went to a strongly academic secondary so had a few “wunderkind” types they struggled in the real world so I would be focusing on the “all rounder” aspect as being super smart is not the road to happiness and contentment

I’d be looking at moving to somewhere with solid state primaries (good or outstanding)
visit this year so you are on catchment in time - that’s all free!
I’d also be looking for areas where by you have a choice of some decent state options eg grammars

save your money for secondary or sixth form.
This is what we are doing. Not that our 13m can say a word yet 😅

My DH and I had families who were v average but with high expectations we did state primaries and both had scholarships/ bursaries for secondary we did well and are happy enough with how it panned out for us which may colour our views iyswim.

If you can only afford two years I’d apply for secondary and hope you got a scholarship. Or - keep the money for tutoring, or for the two years of sixth form.

London has broadly good schools. Have you looked at your local primary schools?

I live in an area full of professional / well off parents and they pretty much universally use the state primary schools and try to get their children into private secondary schools.

A private school won’t necessarily have additional tools to respond to her brightness (they will still need to move at the speed of the class).

I could probably afford private prep school but do not think you get value for money vs the local ofsted outstanding primaries who have good success getting children into selective secondaries.

OP I am pro private school. I teach in them and my kids go to them because both were bullied at their 1000+ comp having been to the prep (years R-6). Both are also ND. I couldn't afford secondary but they developed EBSA and fortunately money became available to bring them back over. Having said all that, it's a HUGE financial commitment and if your DD grows up to be confident, friendly, socially adept etc she will likely be fine at state. Most kids I teach are not turned off school by Y7 . Young kids like learning. I would focus on finding the best school you can, moving if possible/ necessary, support her at home and wait and see. If when she's older (and Y9 is a possible transition point in private secondaries as preps often run up to y8) you could maybe afford 3 years for 9-11 and GCSE if you felt it was needed. Scholarships and bursaries vary widely in their worth and availability .

You and your brother got grade grades from attending state school. That you didn't go to uni was down to you and your parents. You'll be a better parent hopefully so I fail to see why private school would necessarily be better. Why does she need pushing and stretching?

You can use the nursery without having to use the school, you just need to decide a term before starting reception and give correct notice to avoid penalty fees. You could start there and see how your situation develops?

when I put my eldest in private prep it was just for nursery as the preschools around us were terrible. I never thought I would afford it right through.

My children both thrived in their tiny preps and we found the money and figured it out. I would still say prep and developing a love for learning is the most important.

However, I have 1 child who managed to transition to state secondary and one that didn’t. So whether that is possible is going to be down to the child.

I would say if you think you can find a way to muddle through give it a go, but either way use the nursery.

This is why I came to Mumsnet in the hope of not getting judged too harshly! I have so many questions right now but don't feel like I can talk to anyone at all in real life.

It’s generally far more beneficial for secondary. That said, you’re in London so you will have plenty of excellent state secondary options. Given that, if I were you I’d consider sending her private in year 4 so that she stands the best possible chance of getting into a ss grammar. You can instil a love of learning at age 2 from home.

I would agree with this.

Where do you live currently? Schools vary hugely by area, of course all of them will have their issues but the problems you read about on here won’t be the same everywhere.

Waste of money, plus the fees go up and up every year at the whim of the school.
we preferred for our children to be educated in a diverse mix of kids, not just the wealthy ones but ultimately it’s your child and your money.