To consider private school

[HowManyDucks]

I hesitated about putting this question to AIBU as I know it is a decisive issue on Mumsnet, but it is ultimately an AIBU so I've put my hard hat on.

I'm being very honest and am writing things that I would never say out loud. It's not humble brag. I am just trying to work out the best thing to do for DD (like every mum does).

Private school was not on my radar at all but I am a firm believer in parenting the child you have. I'm trying to work out whether sending to DD to a private school would actually be in her best interest or whether it is just trying to compensate for my own incredibly disappointing school experience.

Some context.
My brother was a maths whizz (getting As in a level maths and further maths age 14 without ever picking up a revision book). He never went to uni and 10 years after leaving school, works in Tesco. (Nothing wrong with that of course but so much wasted potential). I, on the other hand, was a bright (not exceptional like my brother) all rounder, think straight As at GCSE and A level. I was offered a music scholarship to a fancy private school but wasn't allowed to go. I resented this for a long time. I went to a bog standard secondary and hated every second of it. I would hate for DD to have to go through what I went though. Most of my classmates went into vocational jobs and apprenticeships after school instead of uni. I joined the military because I didn't this uni was for people from my background. So that's where I am coming from. I grew up in a single parent household, with an alcoholic mother where education was not prioritised. For her, private school was for posh people with more money than sense.

Fast forward to having DD. I am a single mum. DD is 13 months old. I'm getting ready to go back to work and so have been on the hunt for a nursery.

I understand that babies develop at different rates and that hitting milestones 's early doesn't correspond with intelligence. However, it is becoming increasingly difficult to hide how advanced my DD is and people are commenting a lot. She took her first steps at 7.5 months, walking confidently at 9. At 12 months had a vocabulary of 90+ words (only counting the words she used consistently and in context), could identify approx 10 shapes (like parallelogram and trapezium), she knows approx 20 letters of the alphabet (phonetically) and is pointing out letters when we are out and about. She can recognise some familiar words and is showing an interest in reading. She is excellent at following instructions, I talk to her like I would a five or six year old.
She is 13 months 🤦

After some recent threads about behaviour in primary schools i am increasingly worried about whether our local state schools would be best for her (not their fault but if course). Supporting SEND, managing behaviour, and helping all children achieve national average is a greater priority that stretching an able child. I live in London and moving is not an option. I am asking these questions now as local private schools have long waiting lists (some encourage parent s to register from birth).

I am in a position where I could afford private school for a couple of years. At the moment I am thinking of paying for her to attend a local private school with the view of applying for a scholarship place if she proves to be academically able in the future. I wouldn't be able to afford her whole schooling at a private school.

I appreciate my post is long so I will stop here but happy to answer any specific questions.

Final thing. I have no idea about how the private system works and am just starting to get my head around it. Id really appreciate to hear other people's experience (I know their are a lot of mumsnetters with children at private school).

I'm all for private school

I'd save up and pay for private secondary for your child

Same! I'm praying she is 'just bright'. When she says "mama, un trou, hole" and points to a hole in the grass after hearing a story in french about a boy that buried his dead gold fish twice... I do worry.

The cost of private schools is a huge financial sacrafice if you are not wealthy, my firm opinion is that you should give state education a crack if you have a half decent school near by. Then if it doesnt work out, look elsewhere.

We were average income, DD flourished in state primary but was privately educated for secondary for various reasons, this was just your bog standard indy 10-15 years ago and even then it was a real financial struggle. I dont regret it but as a result I could not save for university or house deposit.

@coxesorangepippin really interested to hear more about why people advise secondary over primary/early years, especially when there are options such as grammar and when there is so much uncertainty about the future.

I may be shot down but my primary school was absolutely rubbish tiny village school with 3 teachers coasting to retirement doing the bare minimum. Yet numerous ex pupils have stellar careers and academics- Oxbridge / Harvard incredible interesting jobs. Made me quite relaxed about primary education. Surely focus on secondary?

I would never start private if I couldn’t couldn’t afford to stay in the sector. It would be very hard for a child to have a taste of the small classes, make friends etc and then put them into y2 of a state. You also have no guarantee there will be places in the year you want of your preferred state. Early years is really important but I genuinely think a lot of state primaries do reception really well.

As a single parent, private school fees will be a massive financial risk unless you’re loaded. Many schools are cutting back on bursaries etc so it’s not going to be something you can rely on especially not in the prep years. You’d be much more likely to get one for senior. You can instead use money to enrich and support outside interests and if is quite easy to do that in the primary years. I don’t doubt that private is often (but not always) going to be better but it’s also going to bring a level of financial strain that may not be worth if.

The reasons people prioritise tend to prioritise secondary are exam results and cohort. This ‘ A bright child will do well whatever school they are in’ is also bollocks really. Replace will with might in your head but park thinking about secondary altogether for now. You don’t yet know enough about you baby to determine what is best for them at 11.

I had a similar thought for early years because as you say it’s a similar price to the nursery fees you’re paying anyway them you can continue for a couple of years after that without too much financial difficulty -although costs do rocket after that.

tbh as the parent of a 10 YO now, with plenty of friends who did do they private early years, I can see there is very little difference between a traditional day nursery and a private school for the early years.
It’s something private schools do to make money before traditional
Schooling, not something they excel in. In retrospect I don’t think it offers any advantage.

I'd also recommend saving and sending your DD to a private secondary school.

I don't believe in pushing young children to achieve academically. I strongly disagree with four year olds being in school at all. And somewhat controversially I don't agree with young children being in a nursery five days a week either, although obviously this is a financial necessity for many.

Your child has her whole life to study. By all means read with her, learn a new language, give her the opportunity to attend mini music classes to foster a love for music.

What is important in her early years is to learn through play and having fun. Are there any forest schools near you?

Hi OP, moving from private to state would be very difficult, so if you can’t afford the whole 14 years then save your money for secondary and / or spend your money on lots of extra curricular activities in the early years.

it doesn’t really matter if Dd is bored in reception / year 1 phonics classes. It will be a good life skill to learn how to be bored anyway. And there will be plenty of other lessons (PE, art, music, RE) where she’s not bored. You can hugely enrich her life with music lessons, languages, sports hobbies, baking, sewing etc in the meantime.

That's very interesting. My thinking was for nursery and reception private would a nice bridge into school - Smaller classes, calmer atmosphere, and more individual attention. Plus the private nursery is cheaper than a state nursery (my mind boggles). The other thing I liked is that the private nursery is more structured, more like a pre school than a nursery which I think will work better for DD. (But if what you are saying is true that impression may be just the shiny prospectus).

I would then move DD to a state primary when I can relocate. Then possibly applying for a bursary place for secondary if DD turns out to be academic. Either that or a grammar (but if course I don't have a crystal ball).

The private school I was looking at has a forest school. Outdoor learning is a huge part of their curriculum. I live inner city so the only other forest schools are quite far out (50 mins each way). I completely agree with the learn through play approach. I need to go back to work so DD will have to go to a nursery of some kind. The local state ones are more expensive than private.

DD would only be able to go private for secondary with a bursary. I can afford private only now because I don't have to pay rent.

I don't think the transition would be too bad, going from reception to year 1. It's no different really from going from any other childcare setting to school.

Yes it’s just something they do to secure families early. The fact that it’s cheaper than a childcare nursery shows you what market they’re targeting. It’s likely It won’t be academically or pastorally better than comparable nurseries

Almost every response has said to wait for secondary but you've clearly made up your mind to send her private for the first few years. I certainly hope it does pan out for you to keep her in that environment the whole way through. Only you know how likely that is to happen. But I wouldn't count on bursaries or scholarships.

As PPs have mentioned, full or nearly full bursaries are rare these days. You will be expected to pay whatever they determine you can pay, which will probably be more than you would comfortably prefer, especially if you want to have nice holidays, the odd meal out, and things like private music lessons or specialized activities outside of school. Also don't underestimate the cost of uniform, school trips and other additional costs that really add up. You don't want her to be left out of things her friends are doing. And finally, your daughter sounds very bright and lovely and certainly advanced for a 13-month old. But as the years go by there will be lots of bright and talented kids competing for the same bursaries. You seem certain that your daughter would be heads and shoulders above the other students but you truly have no way to know that at 13 months.

I get it though-OP is going to be paying nursery fees anyway, so she can’t save them.

Even if she could, saving now for money needed in 9 years time when schools fees would’ve increased far outpacing the rate of interest on the savings is futile

If you can afford a good private, go for it. An elite boarding, even better. Money spent on improving your kid's prospects are money well spent.

If you can only afford two years I would try to live in a state grammar school area and pit her in private prep for years 5 and 6. These are the years in prep schools where the level of work really ramps up a notch as the schools reputations depends on getting all/most of their pupils into good private or state grammar schools.

@HowManyDucks what is your childcare situation? I think you need to understand that if you are working, nurseries are much easier to use as a working parent because early years prep schools can involve half days for the first term which adds an extra layer of complexity in terms of logistics. There might not be wrap around care on offer. Yes there are small classes, but there are also those in private nurseries. Prep school early years still involves a lot of play -based learning just like a nursery…my point is you are not necessarily going to get anything ‘more’ at a prep school than you won’t get at an excellent nursery.

I think you will then have to consider how you might feel once you are a parent at the school knowing that you are only going to be able to let her stay for a short time. Private schools can be like starting an educational arms race and it is very easy to get sucked in. You don’t want to end of feeling like you’ve somehow failed because you can’t afford private schooling all the way through to 18. Add to that, Stability is key for children and I think removing her from friends she has made might be harder on both of you than you think and that may well affect how she views school thereafter.

On a practical note, fees go up every year by an above inflation rate. After the VAT situation, there is much less money available to provide financial support if you find yourself in lean times. There are also ‘extras’ added to the bill each term for things you might not necessarily have known you need to pay for. You are also liable for fees if you do not give at least one term’s notice that you intend to leave - including failing to start at a school so bear that in mind. At a private school teachers do not have to be qualified to teach so make sure you do your research.

You sound like someone who wants to do their best and that is admirable. My advice would be to concentrate on the enrichment you can provide for your daughter out of a school setting. Music lessons, Museums, galleries, books, trips to interesting places, overseas travel, theatre etc. Cream always rises to the top and your daughter will be fine if you are championing her wherever she goes to school.

My son was similar at that age. His vocabulary in particular was astounding.

Roll on a decade and he's now about 3 years behind academically due to neurodevelopmental issues. Autism, ADHD, dyslexia... private school would have been disastrous for him.

It's impossible to know how your child will turn out at this age. Early development of some skills isn't necessarily something that will continue.

Op you need to stop this pressure now. It becomes an unbearable burden on the child. Whom most likely will be average in the end.
I had a child exactly like yours, she has remained bright and intelligent and is doing extremely well, I would not set your dd up so she does not feel she can fail or be ‘bad’ at anything. This is imperative to her growth. Celebrate her milestones and achievements but don’t make your praise conditional. Praise her kindness and other attributes too. Be welcoming of her failures in equal measure.

I have just watched my DDs friends, also only children fail their a levels and sink into serious mental health issues, because of the unbearable pressure to be ‘perfect’ and high achieving, having acquired so many labels as a child of being gifted. Some have rebelled, others have burnt out - all are in counselling.

Value her as a person. Whether she can read or write music or whatever she chooses to do, be mindful that she willl change, develop. Others will catch up. Love her for who she is, not what she can do.

Don’t get sucked in to the London tiger mother culture. She needs to play outside, learn about nature, be carefree.

Wise words living agree with every one. One of the many reasons we left London. The stress and drama of our work colleagues about which schools their kids got in was totally insane. We moved out and bought a house near an excellent state comp both ours have thrived academically.

Chill out op. It’s often not the academically gifted that “succeed” in life. The brightest pupil my father ever taught is living alone above the bookshop he works in. Zero inter personal skills.

Like state schools, the quality of private schools varies enormously so if you decide to go for it then choose carefully. I would not make the decision based on her academic ability because that will be far too much pressure on her.

Getting financial help will be quite difficult. Most scholarships don’t give much money off, so if you need help with the fees the bursary route would be better. There were starting to be a few more bursaries available but I think that won’t be the case so much now. One thing that some parents do is send to state school but pay for lots of extras and private tuition.

Thank you, this is it exactly.

I completely agree with you and honestly felt a bit insulted that you thought I was pressuring her.

I wouldn’t waste my money on early years private school.
The old adage is that state schools are ‘great till 8’ - I’d stick with that and send private from day Year 3/4 onwards.
Good luck!

Please don’t see private school as the golden option. It’s AN option and I have 4 kids who have all gone to private schools for part or all of their schooling. It’s flawed. Not necessarily better than state. It’s different. Often the teachers are less engaged than state school teachers. Sometimes they’re amazing. In the early years parenting counts for a lot. You sound like a lovely parent who will give your daughter lots of input. I’d go state for now and review when she’s in Year 4. You have plenty of time and plenty of options.
Don’t see your personal experience as exactly what will happen to her. In a state school she will meet just as many lovely people as she will in a private school. And they’ll live locally rather than driving in from miles away. And you’ll have money for extra curricular activities and trips. Good luck!