Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

But regular freeloading is OK then?

You’re regularly late, that’s rude. If you can be on time for important stuff, you’re saying she isn’t important. And maybe she isn’t important to you given the rest of the OP.

She’s rude in expecting lifts and not offering petrol money or payment in some form (buying lunch for example)

Perhaps this friendship has come to its natural end.

I wouldn't dare comment on lateness if the other person was doing me a favour. Biting the hand that feeds you.
You're not a bleeding taxi OP.

Glad it's not just me, is there another thread??

She should book an Uber or taxi if she wants a specific time to be picked up and then meet you at the venue which you need to be in time for.

@TriciaMcMillan no there isn’t, I don’t know where that quote is from lol

You are both being unreasonable. You admit you’re often late, but can manage to be on time for ‘important things’ and work etc. You are clearly aware of it, so do better!

She is being unreasonable to expect lifts all the time.

Me too. I reread the OP a couple of times trying to find it.

OP - 10-15 minutes when you are in traffic is just about acceptable lateness on a regular basis. I live near a main road that randomly is either jammed and the journey takes 25 minutes, or it's completely empty and the journey takes 5 minutes. So I always give my friend a rough ETA.

If you don't want to give her a lift then don't.

I hate when people aren't punctual and dh is an bloody expert at being late unless it's 'important' to him so it really gets to me BUT your friend is taking the piss, you're going out of your way to drive her around and she's still complaining so next time she suggests a meet up I'd agree to it and when she asks about you collecting her I'd answer with "'I was late the last time and you were unhappy so I'll meet you there this time, it'll save me going to yours". If she has to make an effort she might not be so quick to moan.

The friend is waiting in the comfort of her own home for the taxi sevice to turn up (OP). Would anybody expect a real taxi to be on time?

As the OP is regularly going out of their way to collect and ferry around the friend, who never offers to contribute for the petrol or at least sometimes pay for the OP's tea/coffee/sandwich or whatever, everyone should cut the OP some slack.

If the OP was meeting their friend elsewhere, or half an hour or hours late then the friend can complain.

OP, I hope you respond to the friend's unhappiness at you being a few minutes late, by telling her in future you will meet her at the venue in question, so that you can use the tine it takes you to drive to their home to ensure you won't be late in future when meeting up!

Also, if you have been paying for her before, stop doing it.

Personally, I would be fading a friendship if someone got mardy with me for being 10 minutes late after I’d driven across town to pick them up.

But I’m also going to hazard a guess that if you can be on time for things that matter and are consistently late for this person, that perhaps your heart isn’t in it anyway? Deep down do you resent having to pick her up and can’t face leaving earlier? If so, think carefully - but it might be time to let go.

Two separate things OP.

Stop being her taxi.

Turn up on time.

Apart from the lifts you could be a friend of mine. I find it rude/irritating that she is always late - I have arrived to places we are meeting in town and she will message to say just leaving home when she lives 30mins away. As others say even when it's only 10/15mins when you are late you are saying her time is not as important. Just set off 15mins earlier that will cover you for unexpected things like traffic jams, bin lorries etc

I think your friend is rude as she's expecting free lifts!

If I was your friend I would be delighted to have you as my personal chauffeur & wouldn't care if you were late.

But then again as I have ADHD & really try with my timekeeping but it's a real struggle (time blindness) I am far more tolerant of other people's lateness.

Where is this quote from? It’s nowhere in the OP?

And what about her, is she not saying her time is more important than ops when she's expecting her to drive for an hour all in to pick her up and drop her home after.

Op, I'd definitely arrange it next time and say okay see you there. If she comes back with oh can you not give me a lift, jusg reply no I can't this time.

I agree.

Op there’s a lot of people on mn who HATE lateness- I was once told I couldn’t possibly have such small windows to get places and I was just ridiculously disorganised and a disgrace!

(I drop dh to train, two dses to secondary then onto another school that only allows people to wait for ten minutes before school then go to work. If the traffic was bad at this point, I’d be five minutes late and be eaten alive!)

Look I am always late but acknowledge it’s disrespectful.

I am working on approving (and having a lot of success.)

Plan earlier.

From someone who used to be chronically late, you're late because of your lack of planning.

No, you didn't think about the bins when you planned to leave, but you knew they were due to be collected, hence they were out. You could have parked elsewhere to be ready.

And if you weren't planning to the there 15 mins early, you always at risk of being late (which is why you often are).

It's not a 30 min journey. It's a 30 minute drive under best circumstances when you get in your car. Not 30 mins from when you put your shoes on, realise your sock is uncomfortable, run up to change it, figure you should move that cup off the side, take a very last wee and then realise that during the faff you've put your keys down.

From her perspective, why would she volunteer to meet you nowhere else when half the time she will be waiting around.

Have you tried being on time to see if that helps?

How odd!

@Brefugeewho are you quoting and what connection does it have to the OP?

Quote is from this thread: To be annoyed DH went to his hobby | Mumsnet

@newstome23 I think your friend is cheeky to comment on you being 10mins late when you're going out of your way to drive 30mins to collect her, then be her free taxi service, then returning her home. YOU are losing over an hour of your time just being her private Chauffeur! She's never offered you petrol or bought you a coffee in return. She's a cheeky fucker and should appreciate what you do for her rather than comment on you being 10-15mins late sometimes.

Traffic happens, bin men holding people up happens. Why should OP have to leave even EARLIER than she does now, using up even more of her own personal time when she gets no thanks from this friend. The friend is a taker.

You’re doing her a favour and saving her travel costs and travel time, she’s therefore very cheeky to comment on you being 15 minutes late.

In my friendships, things are more casual than appointments, work etc, so we all say we’ll be there ‘around 7pm’ for example. 15 minutes ‘late’ then isn’t a big deal. Sometimes things come up, you get stuck in traffic etc and I’m not going to leave early for a night out like I would for work. Thankfully we’re all on the same page about that as our friendships wouldn’t work.

I'm surprised so many people are just picking up that you are late but ignoring the fact your friend is a bit of a cheeky fucker.

Sure, it's great to be on time. I generally am myself. But sometimes life gets in the way. And I'm sorry but being on time for a friend in the comfort of her own home, who you are kindly going out of your way to both collect and drop home after, cannot seriously be considered as much of a priority as, oh I don't know, being on time for a medical appointment, to meet your bank manager, or a work appointment.

My commute to /from work can take anything from 40 minutes to 2 hours. If I have a meeting at 9, I make sure I leave around 7. I'll usually be early, but I have flexibility then the next day to leave home at 8.45, and arrive in the office by 9.45.

But unless I have offered to bring friend to an important appointment, like hell am I building in more than a few minutes leeway into the time I said I'd get to hers.