Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

So I have adhd and struggle to time keep as in I really struggle to figure out how long things take- so you know what? I work it so I am always early and give myself extra time because it’s no excuse.

if you know you suck at time keeping give yourself a extra buffer-
it may mean you are 15-30 minutes early but let that be at an inconvenience to you not anyone else- as that is being thoughtful

if I am left waiting when someone is late it gives me a lot of doubt about how important I am to them- my parents used to be late or forget about me a child so I guess that’s why it gets under my skin

Why would posters sit waiting for their lift and cry because they are a bit late? Just get ready then chill out for 10 minutes. Stop getting stressed.

You could actually decide not to meet friend or sort your own transport.

Usually people meet friends who are on the same page in life. Just get new friends if coffee buddy is not on the same as you.

Early is on time
I haven't seen anyone but you suggest that being early is an issue and they need to hide or wait in a car
If I tell you I'm picking you up at 11, I'll be there by 11, maybe earlier
I will not be there at 11.15
I would expect the same courtesy from anyone who is a friend

The fact you can be on time for work or “important things” is telling. You can do it, you just don’t think her time is valuable.

There’s no way I’d be getting public transport to meet someone who was never on time and would leave me hanging around

Maybe OP wouldn't be late if she didn't have to go 30 minutes out of her way to pick up her friend.

If OP is usually 10 - 15 minutes late to pick up her friend, if she left home at the same time and didn't have to pick up her friend but drove straight to where they were going, she would actually be about 15 minutes early.

OP's friend certainly doesn't value OP's kindness in giving her lifts there and back every time for free as she doesn't offer petrol money, doesn't say thank you and complains about waiting 10 minutes in the comfort of her own home.

Early is rude. On time or 5 min after is on time. If you arrive early I may be getting dressed or on the way back from the shops.

I'm genuinely surprised commenters think you are rude. I don't, I think she's rude for taking you for granted. In future tell her to meet you there.

Be completely honest, would giving her a lift have been a big issue if she had not made a comment about you being late? The two are not the same issue as others have stated. I at times have resented being a personal taxi, but if she has never drived, and you have never complained or said it bothers you picking her up she maybe completely oblivious.

None of this is a reason to lose a good friendship. Just have a chat. If you are good friends comprise will be easy.

I feel your pain, I am horrendous at time keeping, but like you I can be on time when I need to be (e.g. a consequence is attached - being late to work, dropping my child to school). Over the years I have realised that it is very rude to be late and being able to be on time for some things and not my friends and family is not right. I am better now, I rarely agree a specific time, I say between e.g. 10am and 10.30am, if needed to be at a specific time I out measures in place to be on time.

I personally blame being homeschooled and never really having a schedule before college, and used to think people needed to relax, but I have as I have got older realised time is precious, so have no right to waste someone else's

Early is encroaching on a time which isn't booked for you, it means you don't respect that the other person has something else to do before meeting you. Not something to be proud of.

Sounds to me that all the "good timekeeping" is a lots of pretending.
Isn't it better to just agree a timerange so everything is clear?

We cut off a friend who did this as she made 3 of us late for a wedding by 40 mins.

It is all down to being selfish.

You are poor at timekeeping.

Does it adversely affect her all the times you are late?

Perhpas tell her you'll met her 20 mins later to allow for your habit.

A time range works well, IF people stick to it
But as OP has clearly said, she only chooses to be punctual for work, or things she considers important

I think shes got a nerve tbh if you are always doing the running about, collecting and dropping back.
Its bad enough having to be on time for work, but I think friendships should be a bit more relaxed (within reason)
Tell her to take it up with the taxi company

Is it really that bad to not expect the same pressure about timekeeping from friends (that you are doing a favour for) that you do from your boss??

It was the friend who refused timeranges and expects to be picked up at a very specific time.

Which is a level of punctuality which makes sense only for a specific kind of important stuff.

She's a cheeky piss taker. Tell her to do one and walk.

I'd have no issue with that - if they are as punctual as she wants others to be

Haven’t rtft but responses finding fault with you for being late are utterly bonkers. Friend is a CF and I would not be picking her up again.