Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

Me: My SD is sometimes late

PP: well my Children are very particular about not being late.

Me: Oh OK. I was just using an example that I don't get upset about people being a bit late. I really wished I'd used my Grandma as an example instead.

Maybe it's the fact that I DO get VERY annoyed at people being late that's made my kids so particular about timekeeping

I've had friends who are late being places. The times I've been tempted to leave them bloody waiting to see how it feels. Yet can't bring myself to do so.

When I was at school ( and younger and more patient) my best friend was always bloody late. Used to arrange to meet her half hour before I needed to. So if I wanted to meet at 6pm , I'd tell her 5,30. Then usually only had to wait 5 mins on so when I arrived at 6 and her 35 mins late at 6.05

She's still like it now and we are in our 50s

She's a CF. The world is divided into people who are on time and those who run 10-20 mins late. She needs to deal with the fact you are in the latter camp and if she doesn't like it make alternative arrangements. I can't believe she has never treated you or given you a token gift since you giving her lifts is a regular occurrence. The only time my friend and are not mutually late for each other is if one of us is giving the other a lift to the railway station!

Why on earth are you giving her a lift all the time when she can use public transport? Just arrange to meet her at the meeting place rather than at her house.

Maybe it's because as someone with adhd I'm not great at timekeeping. It's in no way reflective of what I think of anyone else. In fact, as with the OP it's often me going out of my way for friends; going to places more convenient for them, giving lifts, I'm thoughtful with gifts and a really good listener and although I'm not great with the concept of time, I'm really good at remembering details of things that are important to my friends. All good friend qualities imo, and I hope some compensation for the fact that timings are sometimes misjudged. I always advise of any delay as soon as I know and apologise for it. Unlike previous posts it's not because I've wandered off to do something else and breezed up 3 hours late oblivious to the fact that might be off. I'm hyper aware and try my best. So 10-15 minutes because of traffic, a phone call or a child's tantrum going out of the door, I can't see why a good friend wouldn't be sympathetic.

From my perspective, there's a lack of empathy on the part of someone who is repeatedly having the convenience of free lifts from and to the doorstep who demands an exact pick up time that traffic doesn't always allow for. It's very much the friend in this case who is asserting their own importance being above that of the friend. It's haugty and self serving and if I had a friend like that I'd permanently remove the waiting for them by calling a day on the friendship.

I also didn’t think you were bragging or anything like it.

Off topic but can I applaud your use of the word ‘haughty’. It’s not used much anymore and it should be because it’s perfect for so many people!

Before the kids I’d be annoyed with lateness, now when I meet other mums there’s unwritten rule that 10-15 min one of us will always be late. I don’t see 15 min as late.

I’ve always been the one with the car, giving lifts to friends when we did trips or meet ups which meant o could never have more than 1 drink etc but they would always offer to buy me a drink/coffee for driving.

it sounds to me you’re not accepting being unreasonable for your lateness and just pushing back with whatever reason you can find against your friend. Paying for petrol is a whole different subject - stick to the point! If picking her up is the reason youre late tell her that. If you want her to contribute tell her that. It all sounds like you’re doing her a favour meeting her.

Just seen the typo, so I obviously don't use it enough either! I love words, just not so good with numbers and anything connected...like time!

So don't wait? Order a coffee!

Then you can have a Cake! Or sip water and chat.

its quite relevant that the ops friend is waiting comfortably in her own home.

I wouldn't arrange to meet a friend for 30 minutes, that's perfunctory. I need a good long afternoon to go deep. That's what friendship is to me.

If I were left waiting for 10 or 15 minutes it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I'm not sure why so many people seem to fear time alone to the point they become angry at an imagined slights.

Maybe try meditating or breathwork in the 10 to 15 minute delay that you have been advised of and already received an apology for. If sitting in a cafe you could people watch, always fascinating, or maybe read a chapter of your current book. Does wonders to keep the stress levels down. Then when your friend arrives, probably panicked and full of apologies, you can reassure them it's not a problem and pick up on the catch up which you both enjoy so much.

If that's not how it goes and you feel annoyed rather than pleased to see them when they arrive, maybe this friendship isn't for you.

> Being on time isn't a magic button, it practically means having a time range to arrive or being very early and waiting in the destination.
You're missing the point
She has said she can be on time for something important
Therefore, she doesn't see her friend as important

A ‘friend’ who always expects to be collected, who refuses to meet half way, who never offers petrol money should absolutely not be deemed important and should be treated like the scrounging grifter she is. She can bloody well wait for her free lift. But I hope OP has dumped her using arse.

Nope. You are intentionally missing the point to reiterate this cliché. Things can be important in different ways.

Do you really expect your friends when visiting you at your home to wait hidden behind the corner for 15 minutes to make sure they will knock exactly at the top of the hour?

You're deliberately being obtuse about it
Being early is not poor timekeeping
I would expect if someone says they'll be at my door to pick me up at 11, for them to be there at 11, not at 11.30

Let me reiterate.

Do you really expect your friends when visiting picking you up at your home (when you continue together to a park/cafe without reservation for a specific time) to wait hidden behind the corner for 15 minutes to make sure they will knock exactly at the top of the hour?

If yes, it means that you value your time more than their time spent waiting around to play this illusion of "on time". Just own it.

No-one talks about 11:30, the OP was about 10-15 minutes late which for me is within the range the person at home should be able to deal with.

OP has tried to give her friend a time range e.g. between 10 and 10.15 but her friend insists on a precise time.

OP is driving 30 minutes out of her way to pick her friend up and her friend offers no petrol money. If her friend is angry about her being 10 minutes late, even though she is waiting in her own home, she can get herself there on public transport. I can guarantee that she will be waiting longer for buses/trains than she does for OP and in less comfortable surroundings. She will also be paying bus/train fairs. I know what I would prefer.

@Nomunchmounjo will you explain you have adhd and suggest to your children that they meditate when you are always late to collect them, attend school events, sports clubs?