Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

Once or twice - accident. More than that and it’s deliberate imo.

You've only given one example op. How often are you late for this friend and is it often more than 10 minutes? She might have a point if other times have been much later than that or it's every single time.

However, if it's a very occasional 10 minutes when she is waiting at home then she really doesn't have anything to complain about. I would always see a time to go to someone's house as approximate unless you were on a tight deadline to get to a booking or event. Whereas more if she is waiting somewhere outside or sitting alone in a bar more accurate time keeping is more important.

I generally worry about being late for things and allow time, but when driving it can be hard to get right due to traffic variations and I expected hold ups, and perhaps she doesn't appreciate that as a non driver.

I know what people are saying about the OP making it sound like her friend isn't important, but surely in real life we all build in different amounts of leaving early to avoid hold ups l, depending how crucial the exact time we get there is. I allow a ridiculous amount of time to get to a flight, funeral, job interview. If I did that for everything I ever did in life I'd spend most of my life waiting around for something because I was so early. It simply isn't practical to a normal life! So I wouldn't allow extra time for something like visiting a friend's house because it doesn't really hurt anyone if I'm slightly late. In fact sometimes turning up early in a ruder!

And in this case OP is already putting a lot more time I to the meeting than the friend by driving to her house, so suggesting she should build in loads of extra time every time or even as one person suggested park her car somewhere different just in case the bin lorry comes at that exact time(!), seem ridiculous.

I wouldn't suggest to her the problem would be solved by her meeting you there though unless you think that would actually solve the problem and you'd be on time, as leaving someone waiting not at home is ruder.

I do think next time she suggests a long distance trip, ask if she could pay petrol, or get the lunch if you get the petrol. And if she is funny about it say 'shall we go on the train then?'

If she’s says - you’re late, you say - I had to stop for extra petrol to get to your house.

Next time 100% say meet at the venue. She can use public transport. Tell her that way you’ll be there on time (and be on time!).

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think your friend is. You go out of your way to give her a lift which saves her time and money.

She is waiting at home, not somewhere where she feels uncomfortable and you are only 10-15 minutes late. I think she's got a cheek to complain as she doesn't seem grateful for the lift and never offers petrol money.

This.

But you will still have to meet her on time at the venue. It's so bloody rude rocking up late to places all the time. And doubt you were unable to pass the binmen for 15 mins. Sounds like a n excuse

Take the bull by the horns and the next time you arrange coffee/lunch say "I will meet you at the xxxx cafe at Y o'clock" and let her make he own way there. Stop being a chauffeur for her otherwise she will never get the message will she??

For a while I used to get lifts off a friend. She offered because she was passing my house anyway. She was always late, up to an hour sometimes, and said it was because she had lots to do. Well I had lots to do too instead of which I was sitting waiting for her. Eventually I declined her offer and made my own way in my own time. If you don't want to give someone a lift then don't but don't waste other people's time.

As someone who has a tendency to be late occasionally - I don't like being early so sometimes try to squeeze a quick task in if I think I will be - I also think it's rude but if she's at home and you've messaged to say you're delayed, then that isn't the end of the world. You could always add 10 minutes to your actual estimated time of arrival to avoid irritating her.

I'd be more upset by having to give lifts all the time - she sounds insensitive if she thinks it's her right, especially if she doesn't offer money for fuel. I like to help others out but not if I feel they're taking advantage.

If she can critique you, she should be able to hear your side of things.

If I were OP, I'd be glad that she didn't want to be my friend any more. OP is driving for 30 minutes out of her way to pick up her friend and then take her home, so taking up an hour of her time in total. Her friend offers no petrol money and instead of being grateful, she complains that she is waiting for 10-15 minutes in comfort in her own home.

The friend is a Cheeky Fucker and OP should just stop giving her lifts.

You being late and you picking her up are 2 different things. I find people who are late extremely rude. If it’s not your fault then that’s different. Why do you think your time is more valuable than hers? She gets ready, then sits around waiting for you to turn up. Next time tell her you will meet her there. Maybe she will keep you waiting then you will know how it feels

This doesn't make sense, how does the op think her time is more important when she's wasting an hour of it each time to pick up this person, and drop them off? Add those hours up as opposed to the ten minute lateness

What about expecting OP to drive 30 minutes out of her way when picking her up and then taking her home, so an hour of her time in total? With no offer of petrol money ever?

The bad manners and rudeness are on her friend's side by expecting this big favour all the time and then complaining, not on OP's who is doing her a big favour by giving her lifts both ways and never asking for petrol money.

While waiting around for someone is annoying, bad traffic can't be helped, if it were me I'd be telling her that picking her up everytime is not convenenient as you have to go out of your way which takes longer so for you to be on time it might be best if you meet up somewhere instead and then just make sure you are on time for the meet up

A tutor told me years ago that you can instantly make your life easier and reduce stress by leaving 15 minutes earlier than you originally planned for any appointment or journey.

I've found this to be true.

Just make yourself leave 15 mins earlier for a short journey and 30 mins earlier for a longer one. You an always do a sudoko or crossword while you wait at your destination, feeling calm and collected.

I just don't get habitual lateness. We're all caught out sometimes by traffic issues (accidents causing delays/closure or train cancellations) and you can't do anything about that. But you can control your own behaviour.

This stood out to me. Regardless of the ins and outs of giving lifts, work and ‘important’ events are given respect but friend is not on the important list.

I would tell her it’s not feasible for you to always be giving her lifts there and back. I don’t drive and never ever assume lifts from friends who do.

Personally I think she's cheeky to say that, when you're going out of your way to pick her up and drop home again! I'd start saying, I'll meet you at x instead, as it will be quicker for me! No more picking up!

I see these as two separate things. Being late is rude. The friend has done what so many MNetters say on threads - use words and explain. It’s hard feeling not important.

OP if you feel taken for granted tell your friend and make new arrangements be that meeting halfway, getting petrol money or something else.

Brefugee appear to have taken this quote from

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5306613-to-be-annoyed-dh-went-to-his-hobby?reply=143255467

She probably C&Ped it on that thread, came onto this one, thought she had copied another quote from this thread but it hadn't copied properly, so accidentally pasted the last thing that had copied.

I've had that happen a couple of times myself, but caught it when rereading my post before posting IYSWIM.

Of course you can conflate the two. OP's 'friend' is literally saying that her time is more important than OP's as OP gives up an hour of her time to give this cheeky fucker a lift there and back (for free).

I despise freeloaders who don't pay their way more than I despise latecomers. I am always pathologically early to avoid ever being late but if someone is doing me the favour of giving me a lift, I would (a) be grateful, (b) not complain if they were slightly late and (c) offer petrol money.

I agree with others that there are two separate issues here, you being late and you not wanting to give her a lift. There's a possible connection between the two, though.

"She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished."
If I was half-expecting you to be late, I'd be less likely to want to meet you at the destination because I wouldn't want to be standing there waiting for you like a plum. You being "late to pick her up on a few occasions" could be reinforcing her preference that you come and pick her up.

Being late to meet her somewhere is worse than being late to pick her up as she is at home. So if not collecting her make sure on time.

Separate issues. She should offer to give you money for petrol at least. You need to say it to her. Good friends don’t take the p1ss.

I’ll meet at the coffee shop at 10 (and be there by 9.55/10), the extra driving to pick you up is making me late. I’m doing something in x direction afterwards so won’t be able to give you a lift back home.

Would you be on time if you told her you'd meet her at the destination - or would she be left waiting even longer in a less comfortable location because your timekeeping 'isn't the best' but you're less likely to see leaving on time as important because you're not picking her up as well?