Friend commented about my timekeeping

[newstome23]

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

Ditch her OP she’s a cf, it’s so rude to accept lifts and never pay or buy a coffee. No one needs grief for being 10 minutes late, especially when you’re doing someone a favour.

Byeee! 😂

She's taking you for granted. Stop giving her lifts.

Being late does have a medical basis. Being on time for an important event will no doubt take a lot of energy and thought, which isn't practical for day to day life including regular outgoings with friends.

She may well get frustrated and it can be annoying when people are late. But she knows it's a regular occurrence so surely she can adapt and do a task whilst she's waiting. Unfortunately some people will be offended as they will interpret it as not valuing their time, whereas it's actually really hard for you to be on time and they are much better at it.

Having said all that, if you were an hour late that would drive anyone crazy

You are signalling to her that you believe that your time is more important than hers.

OP is giving up her own time to chaffeur her friend around. I really don’t think she’s the one who thinks her time is more important.

OP has spent far longer than 15 mins driving around for her friend.

Oh bugger off with this.

The friend is saying her time is more important because she hasn’t used any of it to learn to drive and is relying on someone who has, to ferry her to places. It’s rude to just expect others to run about after you then complain because they are a few minutes late. They are going out for coffee, not going to solve world peace. The friend is sitting comfortably in her own home, watching telly, not standing out in the pissing rain. OP is signalling that spending time with her friend is important to her by spending an extra 30 minutes to go and collect her, even though she finds giving her a lift is a bit of a chore.

It is important to be on time for work and appointments and stuff because the consequence is you can be fired or lose an appointment time.

It isn’t so important that you are on time to pick up a friend to go for coffee that you leave early just in case you are delayed. If the friend expects this then she is saying her time is more important than her friend’s. If a friend doesn’t understand that, then she isn’t worth having.

Anyone living so rigidly by the clock that this would be a problem to them really needs to lighten up.

OP, I had the same, an old friend who doesn’t drive and I got stuck in the rut of picking her up and dropping her off, and then also not asking for petrol money for long trips.

The first few times it was ok but the resentment soon kicked in. I’ve stopped the lifts now and I feel much better about meeting up with her.

If you don’t want to tell her you no long want to give her lifts, just stop taking your car. Tell her you’re raking the bus and will meet her at the venue.

Being 15 or 30 minutes late to pick up a friend from their own house and bring them somewhere would not be an issue in my friendship group.
We don’t consider it rude, to be fair even if meeting at a venue the time is an ‘aim for’ rather than an absolute.

Maybe let her see if all the buses run within a 10 minute time frame of the time table on a wet windy Friday evening. I would guess maybe not😁

It just bad manners and rudeness being late, one off fine, doing it all the time disrespectful and bad form

OP is being as 'unreasonable' in not arriving at the exact minute as the OP's aunt in the other CF thread is being 'unreasonable' in expecting the CF to use a slightly noisy toilet when availing herself of the aunt's holiday home completely free of charge.

What a huge nerve, thinking that she is the one who's hard done-by, sitting on her comfy sofa in her nice warm house for an extra 10-15 minutes, whilst OP has to twice battle through traffic for half an hour every time, whilst paying all the petrol and car upkeep costs herself.

If you ask somebody to do you a big favour, you can't grumble or criticise if they don't do it to your exacting specifications. If it's so important to you, you can always pay somebody the going rate to do it to your complete satisfaction.

It’s very hurtful to be criticised when you’re bending over backwards and putting yourself out to kindly accommodate your friend, providing free transport, every single time, on a very regular basis. You were probably breaking your neck, mindful of the time, traffic , life getting in the way and anticipating her entitled disdain. Pull back a bit from the regularity .. there are radiators and drains in life .. xx

She should make her own way to meet you. You can't be exact in your timings when driving somewhere. SIBU.

I had a similar scenario OP and it went on for years. I am punctual though. I was often waiting in the car for my friend who sometimes would show up at the passenger door 15 minutes later! On my wedding day she expected me to fetch her from her house to make it to my place for hair and make-up. She lived with her parents, 10 minutes drive from where we were getting ready. Tons of public transport too. She had her own good car, no responsibilities and still made these demands.

She was never sorry for her late arrivals or her rude demand on my time on my wedding day. She was so entitled about it all. She never bought me a coffee, a drink or a little gift, to say thanks for all the lifts over the years.

That, among other reasons, is the reason we are now ex-friends. I regret that she was a bridesmaid (I guess I was desperate lol).

I think if you are within a 10 minute timeframe of pick-up time, your friend is not only taking advantage of your good nature, they are also very dismissive of your time.

I would manage expectations with 'I'll pick you up between' and give a twenty minute window 'and I'll let you know eta when I'm on my way' much less stressful for everyone

Or the friend could give OP some leeway because she’s apparently a friend and OP is saving her travel time and costs.

This thread is insane.

YANBU

Being safely "on time" means going early and waiting around if things go normally.

Why is the friend's wish to be picked up at a very exactly specified time more valuable than the OP's reality of getting there within a time window?
Why is the friend's time (aka not waiting for 10 minutes in her own home) more valuable than OP's (waiting around when coming early to be safely on time)?

It's not exactly stressful for the friend, though, is it? She's just sitting down at home for a few minutes; she isn't waiting somewhere cold, uncomfortable, awkward and/or noisy.

No good deed goes unpunished -- I would tell friend this and let her know you were put out by her comment. Has she considered the inconvenience to you? An hour round trip. She has no self awareness and is treating you like an employee. Never do pickups again.

You can tell the entitled twats on this thread.

I bet your friend, being a non driver, simply doesn't realise what a burden all this driving is to you. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. A friend living at the opposite end of the town always asking for lifts to meetups and of course expecting I will ferry her back home as well. I was especially annoyed when once I called her to inform I am on my way and will be there in 20 minutes and please be outside, as she lives on a very busy street with hardly any parking, and she had the audacity to double check if it's reeeeaaaaaly going to be exactly 20 minutes. In her place I would have made sure to be outside at least 5 minutes earlier in case traffic was smoother than expected.
Anyway, it got much better when I finally put my foot down and started declining to pick her up, explaining exactly how much time I would lose in doing this. After that she was much more mindful with her requests and also much more appreciative when I did give her a lift.

I'd text her and say that you have given some thought to your conversation regarding you being late, and you agree with her point of view entirely. Being late is rude. So moving forward it's probably best to meet her at the destination rather than you picking her up as then you are much more likely to be on time.
Hopefully she realises how silly she was looking a gift horse in the mouth!

This would be a non issue with us, especially if with any of my friends they drove all the time. I’d make the next plan and say I’ll be coming from x / in a bit of a rush so I’ll meet you there.

YANBU
If someone was doing me a massive favour by giving me a free lift to and from somewhere I'd never in a million years make a comment about them being 10 mins late.
Unless we had a flight to catch or something... but even then just for 10 mins? Probably i wouldn't say anything.
Your friend sounds ridiculously entitled.

Excellent point.

So, you are doing all the driving for both of you and she is not even chipping in any gas money. You also say you call her when you're running late. And it does not sound like you are going anywhere where you have appointments or anything where being a little late would cause a big disruption.

Because of all the above, I side with you. Beggars can't be choosers. I'm not sure what you ought to do about it though.