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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed DH went to his hobby

78 replies

Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:16

Help me work out if I'm being a grumpy hormonal arse or if I'm right to be pissed.

Every Tuesday DD6 goes to a sports club after school. DH normally picks her up from school and drives her 30 minutes to the club, stays there for the 75 min club then comes back home. I work from home until 5 on a Tuesday and then go to pick up our youngest from Nursery.

After dropping DD home, DH goes to a sports hobby (think running club, crossfit etc. Not a group sport).

Today DH called at around half 1 to say that he was massively caught up at work and he needed me to take DD to her club. I told him this was literally the worst day this could happen as I was already drowning in work and was going to have to work late into the evening even without taking DD to her club to get on track. Sent lots of screaming emojis, then ran to pick DS up from Nursery before school run because the club would end after the Nursery closed for the day.

Grabbed DD from school, entertained DS during the club and raced home.

By the time we got home, DH has left for his club. He won't be home now until around 10.30pm.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have gone to his club tonight?! That he should have packed it in for one night, taken over the childcare duties and let me crack on with my work. That I sacrificed my time/work to help him out (#teamwork) but that I've not received the tiniest bit of help back??

To pre-empt some questions

  • I'm not wasting time on mumsnet instead of working, I'm sat in toddlers bedroom while he falls asleep.
  • yes in the grand scheme of things DD could have missed her club but it's a group sport, she's getting really good and she's made a commitment to attend.
  • I don't have to be logged in at specific times/active etc. Just have to get my work done whenever and however that works, and there's no slacking off because it's a lot of work to get done. So there will be no consequences for taking her to the club for me, just the loss of 3.5 hours of work time.
  • he absolutely knows how swamped I am with work today, I made that crystal clear both in text and over the phone that today could not be a worse day for this.
OP posts:
Thebloodynine · 01/04/2025 20:18

What have you said to him and what did he say?

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2025 20:20

On the face is it, it’s pretty dickish of him.

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:21

Thebloodynine · 01/04/2025 20:18

What have you said to him and what did he say?

Nothing as he was gone by the time we got in and won't be reachable until after the club ends.

Or do you mean earlier when he asked me to pick DD up and do the club?

OP posts:
IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 01/04/2025 20:21

Thebloodynine · 01/04/2025 20:18

What have you said to him and what did he say?

Presumably nothing since he won’t be home until 10:30?

OP, that’s shit but it was probably thoughtlessness. Tell him when he gets home that you really needed to make up your time, and if it happens again he needs to miss club and pick up the slack.

Moonnstars · 01/04/2025 20:25

I would be unhappy with this. Do you normally work in an office? Is it because you were working from home he sees this as less important? I am thinking that he doesn't see it as properly working and therefore you can change your arrangements to fit in with him. I would remind him that regardless of where you are working you cannot just drop everything.

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:25

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 01/04/2025 20:21

Presumably nothing since he won’t be home until 10:30?

OP, that’s shit but it was probably thoughtlessness. Tell him when he gets home that you really needed to make up your time, and if it happens again he needs to miss club and pick up the slack.

Show quote history

It probably is thoughtlessness rather than malice (never prescribe malice when stupidity can also be the answer!).

But still, why couldnt he have fired 2 braincells at the same time to think that me feeding and putting the kids to bed on my own (when they're already finding the clock change tricky) wouldn't be conducive to getting my work done!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:28

Moonnstars · 01/04/2025 20:25

I would be unhappy with this. Do you normally work in an office? Is it because you were working from home he sees this as less important? I am thinking that he doesn't see it as properly working and therefore you can change your arrangements to fit in with him. I would remind him that regardless of where you are working you cannot just drop everything.

Yes I only work from home on a Tuesday and on site all the rest of the time. I work for an employer whereas he is self employed.

However I definitely think there's an undercurrent of his being the "important" job running through our lives despite our take home being almost identical (I earn just slightly more).

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 20:29

Wouldn’t he have been home at bedtime anyway really? It really depends on whether him missing the hobby would have made an actual difference to how much parenting you wouod have had to do instead of work.

LividSunshine · 01/04/2025 20:34

I think he is a dick BUT you needed to say a simple no to the original message.

You told him it was massively inconvenient but did it anyway. He hasn't been massively inconvenienced, has he? So you need to think of something he can do in the next day or two to get you some time back as an apology. But next time, just say no.

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:43

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 20:29

Wouldn’t he have been home at bedtime anyway really? It really depends on whether him missing the hobby would have made an actual difference to how much parenting you wouod have had to do instead of work.

So we got in around 6.20pm and he was already gone, normally he'd drop DD home around 6 and then turn back around and go straight off to club. Tonight it took me longer to get back to car/strapped in etc as I had DS with us.

It's now 8.40 and I've just got toddler in bed and I'm starting on the next kid. So if he was here, that would have been a good couple of hours work I could have done so far!

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 20:48

Honestly I just done get this style of communication. “He should have just known it would be hard for me to work”? Just say what you mean and what you want. It’s your husband now some random coworker you’re trying to play nice with.
How hard is it to just be like “that doesn’t work tonight, it was your night to pick up and I’m swamped with work so I can’t pick up at the last minute” or “I can stop work and collect now if you can come home and take over by X time”. What have you achieved with all the vagueness other than resentment?

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 20:50

LividSunshine · 01/04/2025 20:34

I think he is a dick BUT you needed to say a simple no to the original message.

You told him it was massively inconvenient but did it anyway. He hasn't been massively inconvenienced, has he? So you need to think of something he can do in the next day or two to get you some time back as an apology. But next time, just say no.

I definitely should have explicitly said "if I leave work now you can't do x tonight" but honestly didn't think to spell that out.

I could have said no but DD would still have needed picking up from school and would have expected to go on to her club. It wasn't a situation where if I'd said no he could have left work earlier and sorted DD himself. It was on the lines of "this boiler is way worse than I thought I need to go get x part and then do xyz, no way will I be finished in time" sort of thing.

OP posts:
FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 01/04/2025 20:51

Absolute selfish dick move, in your shoes I'd be fuming.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 01/04/2025 20:53

He's a prick.
Patio.

Cucy · 01/04/2025 20:54

YANBU if I was him I would have assumed that you needed me home.

However, it sounds like even if he wasn’t running late he wouldn’t have been home to help you out and so probably just didn’t think.

If you hadn’t needed to get DD would you still have wanted him to not do his hobby?

Because you’d still have the other child with you and so if it was me I would have explicitly asked him to come straight home so that he can look after the kids and put them to bed because you’re snowed under.

Bruisername · 01/04/2025 20:54

You need to nip it in the bud now because of you let him think his job is more important his contempt for yours will just grow and this will become a source of resentment

Chezxx · 01/04/2025 20:54

He sees childcare as your responsibility.
He sounds spectacularly selfish.

gillefc82 · 01/04/2025 20:55

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 20:48

Honestly I just done get this style of communication. “He should have just known it would be hard for me to work”? Just say what you mean and what you want. It’s your husband now some random coworker you’re trying to play nice with.
How hard is it to just be like “that doesn’t work tonight, it was your night to pick up and I’m swamped with work so I can’t pick up at the last minute” or “I can stop work and collect now if you can come home and take over by X time”. What have you achieved with all the vagueness other than resentment?

This @Puttingchildrenfirst. If your DH is anything like mine, hints and implied instructions just don’t work. If I want or need something from him, I need to articulate it clearly.

Would it be great if that wasn’t necessary - yes. Would it be better if he’d decided for himself that, given you’d picked up his slack, he should forego his usual routine this time round - again, yes. But he hasn’t and he won’t.

I get why you’re irritated. I would be too. You should explain your frustration calmly when he’s home later and tell him you have one in the bank for a future favour. And then, moving forward, be prepared to spell it out to him. And feel ok to say no too.

7yo7yo · 01/04/2025 21:02

Well he’s useless then!
make it clear when he gets home that this is not to happen again. That his hobby does not take priority over your work and the children.

Jessica5678 · 01/04/2025 21:04

So he made a misjudgement at work and needs to sort the boiler. The impact on him and his evening has been zero. The impact on you has been additional stress and having to find hours in an evening to catch up on your work. How the hell is that fair?

Time for a conversation about it not being your role to bail him out to the detriment of your job. He’s a plumber with a bigger boiler problem than expected, not someone performing life saving surgery or a pilot stuck on the tarmac somewhere. My experience is plumbers usually find something unexpected, disappear to get parts and reschedule for another time, it’s pretty reasonable if the job is bigger than first appears. He shouldn’t have dumped it on you in the first place much less gone to his club.

Brefugee · 01/04/2025 21:08

I definitely should have explicitly said "if I leave work now you can't do x tonight" but honestly didn't think to spell that out.

well now you know. So when DH and you have 5 minutes, not today, have a discussion about how things went down today.
And in future, as they say, "use your words"

ObliviousCoalmine · 01/04/2025 21:09

Jesus Christ I hate this “hobby, think running”. It’s either running or it’s not. Unless he’s training to climb Everest wearing a cloak of lobsters and everyone will recognise him from the news, just say it’s bloody Hyrox or spinning or swimming.

Inertia · 01/04/2025 21:10

YANBU, although I would have been absolutely explicit about him needing to miss the hobby and sort dinners/ bedtimes to allow you to work.

I’d be sorely tempted to be working in bed with all the lights on for another 3 hours when he gets home from the hobby to make the point about disruption to your work.

Original poster
Puttingchildrenfirst · 01/04/2025 21:11

Cucy · 01/04/2025 20:54

YANBU if I was him I would have assumed that you needed me home.

However, it sounds like even if he wasn’t running late he wouldn’t have been home to help you out and so probably just didn’t think.

If you hadn’t needed to get DD would you still have wanted him to not do his hobby?

Because you’d still have the other child with you and so if it was me I would have explicitly asked him to come straight home so that he can look after the kids and put them to bed because you’re snowed under.

Yeah on a normal Tuesday I do dinner and bed on my own and one night a week (later in the week) he has to do bed on his own as I go to a class.

If I'd been able to work those 3.5 hours this afternoon then I would have been OK with him still going as I'd managed out my time to be able to get it done this afternoon plus maybe 2 hours after bedtime tonight. But now it's 5.5 hours after bedtime.

So no there was no conversation about him not going except for panicky phonecall when he asked me to do pickup and I said how much work that would leave me this evening and he said "we'll sort something out hun, it'll be fine". Well dear reader... it was not fine!!

OP posts:
OverpricedCupcake · 01/04/2025 21:16

YABU for not naming the hobby.