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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend commented about my timekeeping

321 replies

newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:15

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best when it comes to being on time, unless it’s for work or an important event. I usually see my friend a few times a month for lunch or coffee. She doesn’t drive and lives 30 mins away depending on traffic. There’s always been this expectation of me having to pick her up whenever we’ve gone somewhere. She never meets me halfway or at the actual location, even though there’s public transport available and her partner drives. I also have to drop her back home when we’ve finished.

I’ve been late to pick her up on a few occasions, sometimes my fault, others not so much (for example, I left on time this morning but the bin men turned up and I had to wait for them to finish before I could get past) which made me late. It’s normally 10-15 mins not hours and hours but she made a comment afterwards about my lateness which pissed me off.

I’ve never complained about having to drive her around, even though it generally means I have to go back on myself. But perhaps I’d be on time if I didn’t have to worry about picking her up all the time on top of everything else?!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:17

She has also never offered to contribute to petrol costs, even for days out / long journeys (that she’s suggested)

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 01/04/2025 21:18

You are signalling to her that you believe that your time is more important than hers. Give her a lift or don't give her a lift but be on time for people if you set times. It's rude unless there is a genuine reason in which case let them know you will be late. If it is a case of picking her up then say you will be there between a range of times instead of a specific time.

Brefugee · 01/04/2025 21:19

if you have ever said this to your friend:

I definitely should have explicitly said "if I leave work now you can't do x tonight" but honestly didn't think to spell that out.

you are lucky she still counts you as a friend.

If you don't want to give her lifts, be clear: tell her this.

BlondiePortz · 01/04/2025 21:21

Spirallingdownwards · 01/04/2025 21:18

You are signalling to her that you believe that your time is more important than hers. Give her a lift or don't give her a lift but be on time for people if you set times. It's rude unless there is a genuine reason in which case let them know you will be late. If it is a case of picking her up then say you will be there between a range of times instead of a specific time.

This

Sportacus17 · 01/04/2025 21:25

Two separate issues.

You don’t want to give her lifts (don’t then).

She thinks it’s rude that you are often late (it is rude).

Thelnebriati · 01/04/2025 21:25

I think you're being treated like a free taxi service. Does she ever offer to pick up the bill when you go out for coffee?

Original poster
newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:25

@Spirallingdownwards I have always told her if I’m going to be late, I don’t just turn up. She also prefers a specific time rather than a range but I see your point and will try to be on time in future or maybe suggest she meets me there instead. At least then I won’t have to rush or worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
newstome23 · 01/04/2025 21:30

@Thelnebriati no she doesn’t…

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 01/04/2025 21:32

You said you're always on time for an 'important event' which suggests you think your friend is not important. It's incredibly rude. The having to give her lifts is irrelevant and pure whataboutery.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/04/2025 21:32

I can’t drive (medical reasons) so I’m bloody delighted if any friend takes me anywhere. So if they are a bit late due to traffic I’m fine with it. I do appreciate people being punctual but she’s not left sitting in a freezing bus shelter, she’s at home.
If anyone picks me up I happily pay my way in every sense.
I think you are being taken for granted a lot here.

RickiRaccoon · 01/04/2025 21:33

Generally I'd say it's rude to be late as you're making the other person wait around like a schmuck. However, 10- 15 min for a social meetup isn't so bad, especially when she's waiting at home.

I'd take it on the chin a little and make a more conscious effort to be on time in future. However, she should've been aware that you don't look a gift horse in the mouth. She pressed her luck and you should definitely say you'll just meet her at the location at least the next few times. It'll give you an extra 20-30 min not having to collect her!

Eenameenadeeka · 01/04/2025 21:37

I think they're 2 separate issues. If it's too much for you to pick her up, then don't. Ask her to meet you somewhere halfway, tell her you don't have time to be driving her. But being late is inconsiderate to the other person.

abricotine · 01/04/2025 21:41

I’m not sure they are two separate issues. It’s true it’s rude to be late, and OP should put in extra effort to remedy this (not just here but in other areas of her life/with other friends) but in the circumstances of a complete free loader who expects to be collected and ferried around, it’s very rude of the friend to moan about it!

abricotine · 01/04/2025 21:43

Brefugee · 01/04/2025 21:19

if you have ever said this to your friend:

I definitely should have explicitly said "if I leave work now you can't do x tonight" but honestly didn't think to spell that out.

you are lucky she still counts you as a friend.

If you don't want to give her lifts, be clear: tell her this.

Maybe she still counts her as a friend because there aren’t that many people willing to fetch and carry her every time they meet up?

Eldermilleniallyogii · 01/04/2025 21:44

I agree with PPs. It is rude to be late and you made the point that you can be on time for things that matter but I can see why it's annoying when you are basically a taxi service for her.

If you don't want to give her a lift then don't.

latetothefisting · 01/04/2025 21:48

HoskinsChoice · 01/04/2025 21:32

You said you're always on time for an 'important event' which suggests you think your friend is not important. It's incredibly rude. The having to give her lifts is irrelevant and pure whataboutery.

I disagree it's what-about-ery because the two things are related (i.e. op might not be late of she wasn't picking up friend, and if someone is doing you a favour its usual to give them a bit of leeway), but at the same time they are separate issues.

I think you would be completely reasonable to say "if my timekeeping bothers you shall we just meet in X from now on?"
If she backtracks and says "no it's fine, can you pick me up?"
I'd say "no, to be honest it's really not convenient for me to come so far out of my way, and it's clearly stressing you out if I'm late so it seems better if we just meet there."
However if you do this you NEED to be on time, if not early, otherwise it is rude.

Pixilicious1 · 01/04/2025 21:48

I think she’s bloody rude! If she can’t be bothered to make her own way to where you are meeting then she needs to suck it up. In future I’d just tell her you’ll meet her there and not give her a lift. If she asks for a lift say ‘sorry I can’t, I’ll meet you there’ and just repeat.

LlynTegid · 01/04/2025 21:50

I don't think regular lateness is acceptable, a friendship like yours would have ended or faded away.

Quitelikeit · 01/04/2025 21:51

Do you have to go out of your way? How far?

Zippidydoodah · 01/04/2025 21:53

Brefugee · 01/04/2025 21:19

if you have ever said this to your friend:

I definitely should have explicitly said "if I leave work now you can't do x tonight" but honestly didn't think to spell that out.

you are lucky she still counts you as a friend.

If you don't want to give her lifts, be clear: tell her this.

Where is this quote from? I’m so confused.

NoWayRose · 01/04/2025 21:54

I think it’s rude to be late if you’re meeting someone say outside a building. However 10 mins in your own home waiting for a free taxi? That’s fine, surely you can potter about for 10 mins. I don’t really mind waiting anywhere with my phone and a book tbh

Cardinalita90 · 01/04/2025 21:56

It's clear your current arrangement isn't working for you anymore so I'd suggest meeting her there next time, or asking her to come to your neck of the woods. She's taking the mick frankly, not even offering petrol money.

However worth thinking about if you're routinely late meeting other friends too. Now it's been brought to your attention it might be that others are bothered by it too but just haven't voiced it.

Perculiar · 01/04/2025 21:56

NoWayRose · 01/04/2025 21:54

I think it’s rude to be late if you’re meeting someone say outside a building. However 10 mins in your own home waiting for a free taxi? That’s fine, surely you can potter about for 10 mins. I don’t really mind waiting anywhere with my phone and a book tbh

I agree.

just say due to traffic it sometimes isn’t easy to get to her house on time and so you guarantee a set tine. If she prefers, you can meet her in town instead on time as it’s less distance for you. Up to her then.

wordler · 01/04/2025 21:57

NoWayRose · 01/04/2025 21:54

I think it’s rude to be late if you’re meeting someone say outside a building. However 10 mins in your own home waiting for a free taxi? That’s fine, surely you can potter about for 10 mins. I don’t really mind waiting anywhere with my phone and a book tbh

I agree with this - tell her that if you are picking her up from home in the car then you need to give her a (reasonable) time range - if she wants a specific meet up time then you’ll meet her at the venue.

Then make sure you hit somewhere within the time range.

QuickPeachPoet · 01/04/2025 21:59

So you can be on time when it suits you…