To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

YANBU at all. That was a horrible thing to say. Maybe you could just plan to go somewhere like a library to study regardless? Sorry he’s being a dick at a stressful time though.

I would be hurt too. Incredibly thoughtless of your father

Maybe he was a bit harsh saying it like that but YABU to tell your parents to ask your sister if they can have them less, it’s absolutely nothing to do with you how much they help your sister out. You’re a fully grown adult, if you’re unhappy about what they do in their own home you should go and find your own place. Ludicrous that you think they should look after their grandchildren less because you’re studying

He resents you still being at home and trying to dictate how they use their home brought it up to the surface.

It’s time to move out.

I do think part of why I’m so hurt is stress, I’ve woken up this morning with a sore throat and I think an eye infection because I’m so run down.

But it’s just really stung, he worked in the same profession I’m looking to go into and he’s admitted himself that he wouldn’t be able to sit and pass these exams. I don’t expect them to mollycoddle me but just a little sensitivity while k go through this period would’ve been nice

That's really mean. I would be hurt too.

What he said was really horrible - it's not ok and was bound to make you feel unloved.

However, I think what you asked was slightly unreasonable. Not too be told when the kids were coming, but that maybe they shouldn't come as often. It's your parents house and to be able to live at home at 25 is a privilege, and it's slightly presumptuous to think you can control who comes round (even though it sounds like you asked very nicely).

Is it accountancy exams?

I’m not trying to dictate how they use their home, I pay rent at home and literally just said “if it’s at all possible”. They don’t look after them because of work, it’s whenever my sisters feel like it. I said could you ask, if not it’s fine could I just be given a heads up of the days you’re looking after them so I can plan accordingly.

Oh I empathise with you.

I was told in no uncertain terms, on more than one occasion, that my brother's children and my sister's children, were more important to them than me.

It's a horrible, horrible feeling OP.

Again, I’m not trying to control. I just asked if it was possible, and said if not, that’s fine I’ll just go out.

I don't think it's reasonable of you to ask them to have the grandkids less as it probably seems like you're telling them what they can do in their own house.

You need to study elsewhere or lock your bedroom door and noise cancelling headphones on.

Obviously the way he spoke to you was not right.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

I think you were unreasonable to ask them to take the grandchildren less during your studying - although NU to ask for a heads up so you can go out and nasty.

What he said to you was plain nasty though. Once the exams are over, I'd be looking to move out sharpish. Perhaps things will improve then - and if not, one day you'll be choosing his nursing home!

Could you speak to your sister directly?

It does sound hurtful what he said. I understand you are paying to be there, but you could be living with noisy housemates too. I also imagine it is still cheaper living at home than in private accommodation. Maybe they were hoping you would move out? What was discussed about still living at home?
Could you hire a space in the local library for quiet study?

I’ll go out to a local coffee shop, but I just find it all so confusing. I was chatting with my aunt and dad a little while ago and mentioned that when I’m back working full time I might look to rent somewhere. My dad was horrified and said I couldn’t possibly rent, I’d be wasting money. He’s well aware that saving for a deposit is going to take me forever, but then says things like this to me at the weekend

You have overstayed your welcome. Time to leave!
You both sound stressed.....your dad doesn't want to have to consider fitting in around you in his own home.
You are stressed out over your exams and can't see beyond that.

I’d understand this if they weren’t dead against me renting, which would be the only way I’d be able to move out. I don’t know if it comes from how stressed I am, maybe I didn’t word it the best. But unless I’m made homeless by them I don’t have the means to move out at the moment.

Sounds about right.

This didn't come out of nowhere - he's been waiting for an opportunity to say it (or something else nasty) to you.

He resents you generally and this conversation just gave him a peg to hang it on.

Let me guess, he's not generally a loving, supportive, kind parent to you?

We normally have a really wonderful relationship. We go on trips together, we spend a lot of time together, have a lot of shared hobbies. We’re a really happy family and he’s previously said that he never wants me to move out

Well when you do rent and your df is horrified that you won’t stay home say
’why on earth would I want to live here when you’ve told me i’m not a priority.’

You have a df like mine, he thinks because I’m his dc that I’m still a dc.
I’m in my 60’s and he tries to tell me what to do.

Wow, that's really surprising in the context of his deliberately hurtful comment!

This.

Honestly just make your arrangements to study elsewhere and if you’re asked why you’re going out today you can just say you need to study elsewhere at the moment. It can often help create a boundary for your stress too- exam stress belongs here at the library or cafe (though not too sure a cafe is less noisy than a house with kids?) not at home.

Hope your exams go well! 🤞🏻

I think your dad has heard you say “have them here less for my study leave” and not listened to anything else you’ve said because he’s so peeved you’ve “told” him what to do in his own house. I think that’s probably how you’d hear it too if the roles were reversed - he is human!

I work with trainees doing the SQE so assume it’s law or similar (since accountants have always had exams, with my dad and husband being them!) and he’s right, he couldn’t have done them and needs to be understanding. If they can have kids round 2-4 days a week, he could start taking them out on your non-working day IF they have them to the park or an activity.

His comment was very nasty and hurtful. There’s no justification but if he was a bit of a workaholic absent father, he’s probably found something in his grandkids he never had with his own and loves it. My father in law is similar but would still never say that to my husband.

if you feel you can, I’d bring it up to him but be careful how you frame it and don’t necessarily expect him to not come out with (what he feels) are home truths about you living there and studying.

I’m not sure if I just caught him at a bad moment or what, admittedly these exams have been very hard on me and he’s been very worried about me, a couple of weeks ago I was nearly signed off sick because of the stress and he was distraught. I think he might be just as sick of them as I am, and just wants them done.