To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

This is so petty - I love it 😂

@ForTealBee I'm with you. it is an insensitive thing to say and your dad better get used to when he is old and needs care, your sisters will have to do it or the grandchildren as why not? priorities and all.

I do not care about my dad a single jot and now he has dementia I sorted out carers and that's the extent of it. if they reject you when you need them and see you as an incubator or whatever (I also had the questions about grandchildren) then fuck them in old age.

Very nasty no matter if you caught him at a bad moment.

Not so good. She’s entitled, she continually sends her children to the house when they’re unwell (not just snotty noses, but D&V, Covid, chest infections) which then pass to us. But I don’t say this to her because as I’ve learned, she’s the priority.

You were NOT unreasonable to ask this. You were very prepared to make alternative arrangements if he said no. He was cruel.

It is absolutely ok to ask for what you need, as long as you accept the other person may say no.

I think a few things.

1 Your father was unkind. Definitely. But he sounded quite angry and resentful and I think you need to consider why that might be.

2 I do think studying is hard. Peace and quiet is essential. My work requires absolute concentration. Not easy when you live in a busy family home. So I use headphones and put on white noise. It works.

3 You are 25. A long way into adulthood. You live at home because you're studying, but realistically, a lot of people your age have been working for years and have their own families already.

4 Your parents have a right to do what they want with their lives now their own children are grown up. You don't get a say in what happens in their home. If you want that level of control, you need to move out.

5 If you absolutely can't cope with working at home, go to the library and work there. There will still be distractions.

OPs parents are entitled to a life!

The OP clearly thinks her decision to study is more important than anything her parents or her sister want to do with their own lives.

It doesn’t matter that it’s not necessary childcare, it’s about her parents doing what they want in their own home. They aren’t throwing wild parties, they are spending time with their grandchildren during the day. They shouldn’t have to give that up because of their adult child’s schedule.

Is interesting that you say you have a wonderful relationship with your dad but you don’t want to tell him he deeply hurt your feelings with his cruel comment, for fear of starting an argument. He doesn’t sound particularly nice at all, in fact he sounds controlling.

Well unfortunately it does seem increasingly unlikely that any of your family are going to extend any help here and be flexible.

Good luck with your exams, I know how stressful professional exams can be. I hope they go well. I think you’re best to focus on them and hopefully you’ll be able to move out in the not too distant future. The living situation doesn’t seem to be sustainable in the longer term.

The more I read the more I think OP is being controlled and not allowed to live like an adult. It sounds like she is fine if she performs as the daughter they want but if she wants to be her own person this is met with comments aimed to firmly put her in her place again and make her question her stability in the family home. Then the love bombing comes into play when she talks about leaving making her question the validity and her ability to actually be able to sustain herself as an adult. The ‘I never want you to leave’ is a classic line.

Sounds like a really messed up dynamic and this one seemingly innocent exchange over the GC has indeed opened a Pandora’s box.

Is there a golden child/scapegoat dynamic at work here ?

Oh right. So this is the issue.

I agree with this.

When my nephew was born, my mum kept over excitedly "joking" that they were leaving everything to him.

When I went to tell them I was pregnant, I had to get them to shut up about my nephews first.

They're good grandparents to all three now. And they don't talk about giving all their money to them either!

I’m sorry your dad was so bloody thoughtless and has upset you.

my dd is in final year at uni, lives at home and I’ve stopped grandchildren from coming over when she needs to study. Her future is as important to me as my grandchildren. This is a short time with lots if stress. I just want her to be able to focus.

good luck in your exams op xx

I just can’t be bothered to talk about it because I can hold my hands up and say I will get emotional, not necessarily because I’m hurt but because I’m tired. I’m feeling really poorly today (cold-y, ear ache, sore throat, my eyes look all red and crusty), I just want to get home, study and get some sleep

Just caught up on your other posts - your parents are no doubt affected by the stress you're going through too. It's hard when your DC are suffering and it gets to them too. Sounds like they're good parents and grandparents but they're still human and don't always handle things by being endlessly caring and fair. You're in the eye of the storm in this last stint coming up to the exams so don't do anything you're going to regret based on a thoughtless comment that you know deep down is meaningless. Accept that your requests didn't go down well, suck up the half-an-hour trip to the library (it really won't be the make or break factor in your future success and might actually help to give you some headspace) and get through the next few weeks. The more you wind yourself up about the GC thing, the worse you're going to feel and it's really not the major issue it seems right now.

She pays rent and is still their child. Adult or not. They are, of course, entitled to do what they want in their own home. However, being flexible for a very short period to help her out would be a nice thing to do. Especially when her father knows how stressful these exams are. Families tend to help each other out in times of need.

Her parents are clearly not obliged to do anything, but I don’t understand the impassioned defence of an extremely hurtful response from her father under the guise of “it’s his house”. It being his house doesn’t give him the right to be a prick. He could have just told her that he wasn’t willing to be flexible. Job done.

Sorry but your dad is being a right dick head

I have absolutely zero doubt my brothers children are way more important to my parents than me and my girls! You are so unreasonable expecting to dictate to them what happens in their home they allow you to live in!

Slightly hyperbolic response!

If she doesn't like it she can move out. She is a mid 20's post-grad adult. Not a poor, Victorian heroine.

Do you think he meant what he said or was exaggeratedly trying to make a point?

The house I pay rent to live in-8

I can’t afford to move out, but sure.

Obviously that means I can’t be stressed ever

Was I supposed to just not have a career?

Apologies, after making initial post, then read from the bottom up. Should have read all and then just wrapped it all into one post response rather than several.

As a parent with adult kids at home, this stuff sticks out to me. Is this the sort of stuff you say to your parents? If so, I imagine they are a bit jack of the attitude, and while more than happy to have you live at home are wishing you would drop it. That’s then reflecting in them being frustrated in general saying stuff they don’t really mean.

I do relate to this as two of mine have gone through/going through tough professional quals post degree, one I know you have to be working in the field to be able to do, guessing same for the other but never explicitly been told. Point is, they work full time and have to fit this in and it’s really challenging. With one, workplace is meant to give them a day a week while undertaking the quals but that rarely happened in reality, so it’s a real squeeze and pretty much 24/7 consuming. Irrespective, and while I understand how tough it is, I have zero tolerance for DH/myself or their other young adult/adult siblings at home having to revolve around this. Actually, I see it as even more fortitude building in a way. While it is all of our home, the reality is that’s because DH/I are allowing it to be their home at this point because it’s our house (all saving large deposits for smaller loans/manageable repayments), therefore ultimately while we all do our best to rub together and show consideration both ways generally, it’s not on to try and dictate (no matter how you dress this up ‘if possible, if not it’s okay’) the running of the household.

In all honesty can you really say that how you said it was possibly the best way it could have been asked?

As an adult, can you reflect on the situation in which you approached the subject with your parents about your neices and nephews being there for 2 weeks while you needed to study in a reasonable manner?

As the way you describe in your original post suggests it probably might not have been the best way.

Also if you have study leave coming up- you have the opportunity to actually study then, the grandchildren are not there 24/7 so can you study on the 7 teatimes/evenings they are not there and ask your dad (who you said was in the profession) to test you on one of the days/evenings?