To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

I lived out of the house for uni.

house shares aren’t really a thing in my area. If you have a spare room/place you list it on Airbnb. I know that in the future to own a house I need to move away - but at the moment I have a secure job and would be stupid to leave a training contract to find a house share.

No its not cheeky for your partners to choose to spend time with their grand children.

It’s none of your business what your sister does with this time, nor is it relevant.

But if your parents like doing it and it gives them a sense of satisfaction, then they don't see it as cheeky.

They do see you asking them not to do it as much, as cheeky cos it's about what they want to do in their own house.

It sounds like it's a stressful time all round and your dad snapped - yet seems to have been worried about you recently too?

So you know, it's probably something he said to hurt you, to shake you a bit, because you're in your own head and he's frustrated with you as well as worried. Hopefully he's sorry he said such a thing.

Hopefully it's out of the norm and you'll all get back into harmony.

What an awful thing to say!

Some parents just see their children as a vessel for grandchildren. This is like a friend of mine whose mother informed her she was cutting her out of the will as she could not “be bothered to give [her] grandchildren”. My friend was childless by circumstance but her mother did not care about that.

Your father is a See You Next Tuesday and this would damage our relationship irreparably.

Really? Just for study leave for 2 weeks when looking after them isn’t a necessity for the parents, but just seems to be on a whim? Her father has essentially told her that she doesn’t matter to him, but that’s fine because it’s his house? Wow.

I think he snapped at you because he felt you were trying to dictate what he does in his own house (which you were). I also think some of your replies here have been quite snarky and entitled eg “was I supposed to just not have a career?” As if that’s the only alternative to not having everything laid on for you.

I don’t believe for a minute that your father genuinely doesn’t care about you, just that at the moment he sees his role as being to look after GC and think about their needs rather than the needs of his adult daughter (who he is nevertheless housing).

Would suggest you make up with him and talk it all through. Also think about getting your own place soon.

The parents enjoy having them. Would it be reasonable to ask them give up their hobbies?

I do think it was unfair to ask your parents if they can have their grandchildren less in their home l. I have done professional exams and was housesharing at the time. So I just went to the library.

But your dad was being a dick. He basically told you you mean little to him.

For a lot of people, yes, the children always become the priority. You only have to glance at the ChildFree board to see this.

My in-laws and my parents would always choose the grandchildren over anyone else. That’s ok with me, I know they love me and I’m happy they have such a wonderful bond with all their grandchildren that brings happiness to both sides. My older friends who have grandchildren are pretty much the same.

This doesn’t mean your father doesn’t love you. I expect you’re the youngest so probably haven’t experienced being supplanted before.

Your parents see you as a capable, independent adult who can function without their daily involvement. The grandkids are therefore the priority. They assume you can and should be getting on with things yourself.

You asked them to give up time together because you want a quiet house. That’s an unreasonable ask.

Why does it matter that they see the grandchildren “on a whim”? Why is that less valid?
The DF has simply told her he won’t be changing his pretty ordinary routine in his own home for his adult child’s schedule.
They want to see their GC and OP is perfectly able to go to the library. Why should they see their GC less because OP doesn’t want to change her schedule and study elsewhere if she wants total silence?

A really shitty and unnecessary thing to say to you.

Is he always vile to you?

It's your home too and I don't think your request was demanding at all. It was a request to be considered by all parties. It certainly did not warrant a vicious reply.

Op, note this. When you have your own children and your dad expects to be part of their lives and considered, maybe regard him more as an after thought. After alll, he certainly let you know that you don't 'rank' very highly in his love.

Shitty parent.

It's not cheeky at all for your parents to have the kids if that's what they want to do?

@ForTealBee how long do you see yourself having to live with your parents? 5 more years 10 more years?

The point is that they are children
you are an adult….

You will always be your parents child and will be loved as their child. But you are an adult now
The grandchild/ren are actually children and there is a difference.

If you have a problem with your neices and nephews being at your parents house then speak to your siblings.
If you need to study go to the library or your empty siblings house.

I am assuming that the way you wrote the OP was not that you would expect your parents to plan seeing their grandchildren around you giving permission to what suits your schedule.

Some it’s interesting to imagine what your perspective would be in their shoes.
sometimes it helps to view things from different perspectives and consider them and see how it can give a solution for everyone.

Would the amount of time your parents have their grandchildren- your neices and nephews at their house need to be adjusted just for exams? Which would be a couple of weeks?
or is it a longer period of time that you need them to adjust to?

could there be a compromise in it- especially if your dad was in the same profession?
could he spend an afternoon with you helping you study?

sometimes solutions are good when included in problems.
As I can understand that you feel hurt by what was said but….. have you actually thought about how your words could have been interpreted and maybe even hurt your parents?

Expecting all that free childcare would be cheeky, but what seems to be happening here is that your dad/parents are overjoyed to be spending time with the kids and helping your sister. Perhaps you feel a bit envious of your sister?

You’re basically expecting her to rearrange her life around your exams/study though. And your parents. As if it’s a foregone conclusion that what you’re doing is more important. And you think it’s cheeky of her to have them look after her DC, but they love it. Did they have this little routine before you moved back home?

I think you have to put up, or move out, tbh.

Of course it’s less valid, because the children don’t need to be there for set days for childcare! It’s not as though she’s saying not to see them for 2 weeks, it’s just a bit less. In fact, if I was the sister I’d be looking after my own children a bit more to help my sister out. She’s not asking him never to see them again! It’s a fortnight, not a year.

It’s literally two weeks. That’s all I asked for. Two weeks until study leave (when I can go out and about). The library is half an hour away, I don’t want to waste my non working day going to the library or the nearest town for a cafe.

@ForTealBee you seem absolutely convinced that you did nothing wrong in asking your parents not to look after their grandchildren despite many, many posters explaining to you why that was problematic and how it could come across as entitled. I’m not really sure what you want from this thread, save for validation of your stance, because you don’t appear to be able to reflect on any of the messages explaining why you were in the wrong, along with your dad in his response- which was harsh and hurtful.

I’m clearly in the minority here, but I really don’t understand why the adults in the situation can’t be a bit more flexible to help you out on a very temporary basis. And I say this as someone with little children who relies on my parents for childcare. What’s your relationship like with your sister?

They are never going to ask the parents of their grandchildren to bring them over less. You were silly to ask as it’s put their backs up. And I think you must know that deep down so I think you probably were poking the bear a bit. Find a library to work in if you can’t concentrate at home.

Yes, dad, treat them well because they'll be looking after you and changing your nappies in a few years time. I won't be doing that.

Well then I wouldn't read too much into it at all. He's also shown his love by letting you move back in while you study, but still even the most loving families can be hard to live with and get on each other's nerves. It honestly sounds like more of an emotional (over)reaction to the idea of seeing his GC less - which they would if your sisters took up to request to use your parents' for childcare less while you study. Your parents don't want that, and by the sounds of it they want an 'open house' feeling, that their GC will always be welcome whenever.

They don't want to have to restrict or plan it around your study, which is fine and I don't see why you can't simply plan to study at the library anyway. A coffee shop isn't suitable for a proper period of study, it's more a place to go for a few hours so there's still that sense of needing to get back to the house. A library is different and you can go there every day and not need to be informed of your parents' plans. However nicely you phrased it, you touched a nerve and came over like your study is the most important factor, which it obviously is to you but not to everyone else.

As they're good parents, don't go dissecting the language as if it's some set-in-stone truth that he doesn't love you enough. Love can be infinite and unconditional and he clearly loves his children. I'm not a grandparent but I know many parents have been struck by the very different love they have for their GC and it's less complicated in many ways, without the same stresses and responsibilities. It's something strong and more recent in his life and he doesn't want limitations on his time with them. That doesn't mean he truly loves you less and I think you know that and are probably just feeling stressed and a bit unwell. Get yourself better then get down the library and let them enjoy their GC.

OP IS paying rent though. And all this 'It's his home' bollocks from other people is getting on my nerves. It's OP's home as well. I pay the rent here, but it'll always be my DS's home if he needs it.

You didn't just ask if your sister could change the day of her mani pedi you asked if parents could have DGC less frequently.