To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

The childcare isn’t for work. She’s on maternity leave. It’s for socialising, beauty treatments and the like. But I don’t think that’s relevant, I’m sorry I chose my career over having children at this stage. Obviously that means I can’t be stressed ever.

You’re and adult aged 25 working part time and chose to do extended study requiring you to remain living at home and presumably paying below market rate living costs….you are being a bit entitled

Was I supposed to just not have a career?

I took this from it too. It was a horrendous thing for him to say.

If I were OP I would repeat his words back to him verbatim and ask him directly whether he actually really meant to say that I was actually the least important thing in his life, because that was what came across loud and clear and one of the reasons I will be considering moving out to rent.

Possibly he didn't mean it as harshly as it came across, but that means he fails to think at all before he speaks and is a motormouth.

In that case, I suspect that what he meant to say came out wrong. After all, what he said also meant that he doesn't prioritise your sister either. And I suspect that doesn't apply any more than he meant it to apply to you.

If you normally have a great relationship, and he clearly loves you, then I'd try to have a gentle conversation, clarifying what you were asking for (acknowledging that you probably could have worded it better) and letting him know that you can't help dwelling on what he said, and can he clarify that.
You also need to acknowledge though, how much his grandchildren mean to him. They do give us a new lease of life. But it certainly doesn't mean that our children are less important to us than they were.

Utter bollocks. Read and comprehend OP's posts.

OP, I’m astonished at the responses here. Firstly I don’t think your request was unreasonable. Posters here seem to forget that it’s your home AND you pay rent, so it’s fine to discuss things like this and your feelings should be taken into consideration.

Secondly, what he said was an absolutely horrific and hurtful thing to say to his child. His grandchildren are at a further remove than you, you’re his daughter! Can’t believe people are focusing on your request for temporary consideration whilst studying for difficult and important exams, and not acknowledging his cruelty. It really shouldn’t matter how unreasonable you were or not, a parent should never have said that!

Good luck, OP, I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly 💐

OK, well, you clearly have bigger issues than whether your parents look after your nephews and nieces. Focus on looking after yourself, your MH and your stress levels. Can you postpone taking the exam if you’re not in a good place?

I still think it was unreasonable to try to restrict what your parents do in their own house. If they’re letting you stay rent free, there will be compromises, inevitably. Good luck with studying and sitting the SQE.

But your parents are allowed to do things they enjoy!
They don’t need to mind their grandchildren, they want to. Thats valid and they shouldn’t have to forgo that because their adult child wants to have silence in their house while she studies.
Go to the library!

I’m happy to hold my hands up and say it was probably a slightly cheeky thing to ask. But I also think that up to four days a week free child care on an ad hoc basis is also cheeky. But I don’t see why having children entitles you to be cheeky.

I’m sorry I chose my career over having children at this stage. Obviously that means I can’t be stressed ever.

Ouch. You just undermined your position right there. That poster made a fair point, and that sarky response paints you in a very different light.

No, I don’t think it did. I’m basically being told that the children are more important than me. That’s not a fair thing to say.

i don’t have anything else to say other than what PPs have said - but I’m so sorry OP. That sounds so hurtful, and at a time when you are under so much stress already. You’re doing amazing to be balancing exams and a full time job.
Maybe it might be good for you to get out of the house regardless when the kids are round - have a coffee and get a bit of fresh air to destress a bit.
good luck with your exams 🍀

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study

Zero problems asking for a heads up so you can plan to take yourself off to the library or whatnot. Massive problems asking them to ask their kids if the kids can’t come around as often so as to revolve around you. You have then tried to use a get out of jail card saying you said ‘if possible, if not no problems’. That in no way takes away from your utter sense of CF’ery and entitlement thinking you could throw that out in the first place. I have kids your age and I’d be utterly livid, and maybe say something pissed off in the heat of the moment I didn’t actually mean as I couldn’t believe the audacity. Suspect this is what has occurred with your dad.

He said the quiet part out loud, I guess. Many parents prioritise their grandchildren over adult offspring with no children.

It must have stung. I'd take myself out of the house as much as possible until you can leave.

If anyone in my family provided me with a list of where I rank in their priority list I would not know whether to be upset or furious. What your father said was objectively awful.

Only you can decide how you want to take it from here, but be crystal clear: that is NOT an acceptable thing for him to have said, and he should be the one stewing on it.

Don’t be petulant about it, of course they are supporting you in your career ambitions. They wouldn’t have you living at home if they didn’t.

But you are unreasonable to ask them to see less of their grandchildren while you study.

It doesn’t matter whether it was for childcare or for mani-pedi treatments, the fact is that seeing their grandchildren is a joy to them, not a chore. It’s how they want to spend time.

You are perfectly capable of studying in your room or in a public library, but you asked them to formalise their times with their grandchildren AND drop it by a day a week.

That’s why you got short shrift.

He was a prat for saying what he did. It sounds like exasperation from him as it’s difficult to have adult children live with you, even when you get on.

however. I’d suggest you study at the library every day. Mentally it would be better for you.

I asked if my sister could get her mani pedi on a Friday rather than a Thursday 😂

It was a horrible thing to say, but if your request reflects your usual attitude to living in their house, I can see why he might have lashed out. They enjoy having the GC, why should they change that and have them less frequently? It was an unreasonable request. Go to the library if you want quiet.

But I also think that up to four days a week free child care on an ad hoc basis is also cheeky

And yet has absolutely nothing to do with you. If your parents are unhappy, they will address it. If you are unhappy, you move out to a place where children don’t visit at all/often/frequency to your liking.

I’d be moving out, your dad is vile.

This must be hard. My DC moved out after just turning 18 to go to Uni he has a girlfriend and they often stay at each others parents houses. I give my DC autonomy and respect they are adults. They are in a committed relationship and he knows he can include this in our lives and his home with us (when he is home).

The dynamic in your household is not something I could live with or want my adult DC to have to live with either.

I understand not bringing random hook ups back to your parents home but subconsciously this no partner rule for you is a sign that the home dynamics are subduing your ability to have any autonomy at all.

How long are you expected to live like this?

A house-share maybe a better option.

Have you ever lived away from home?

I don't think you're being U in the slightest, OP. Your parents know how stressful these exams are and as a paying tenant, which is technically what you are, you are entitled to ask for a heads up about the DGC coming over and whether it has to be so often. You didn't say flat out they had to stop coming, you asked for advanced warning.

Also, even if your dad didn't like you asking, to say what he said was shameful and hurtful and I cannot believe PP are trying to justify it.

Are there any other relatives nearby you could stay with in the short term, like your aunt you mentioned?

That might have been said for your aunt's benefit and not yours though. Hard to say without knowing the dynamic of your relationship with him.

Agree with what others have said - it's time to start making plans to move out. I think being pushed aside once grandkids arrive is pretty common TBH. My parents did it to me (and they were my kids). But there are also often threads from posters with kids complaining that their parents won't help out because the sibling who is still living at home won't let them.

I feel for you. It's a tricky situation to navigate as the arrival of a new generation changes everything. Noise cancelling headphones are your friend.

You are thinking of the house as your home and that you have an equal stake.

Your parents are thinking it is their home and you are a lodger who has no right to ask to be taken into consideration.