Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

302 replies

ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:34

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

OP posts:
GreenLeaf25 · 01/04/2025 07:53

Don’t make this feel like it’s your fault. You asked very politely and he said something horrible to you. When the kids come just go out without any fuss and when the exams are over and you’re less stressed figure out where you want to live. I’m sorry OP I’d be really hurt if my dad said something like that to me.

category12 · 01/04/2025 07:53

ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:44

I’ll go out to a local coffee shop, but I just find it all so confusing. I was chatting with my aunt and dad a little while ago and mentioned that when I’m back working full time I might look to rent somewhere. My dad was horrified and said I couldn’t possibly rent, I’d be wasting money. He’s well aware that saving for a deposit is going to take me forever, but then says things like this to me at the weekend

Well, some people you can't win with.

It's what will make your life happier and easier that matters.

If, for example, right now a house-share would give you more independence and less friction with your parents, then might be worth doing.

If you want to rent a place on your own when you finish studying, and you'll enjoy having that space of your own, then it's worth it as well, whatever dad's views of renting are.

It's your life, do what seems best to you.

kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 07:53

ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:49

We normally have a really wonderful relationship. We go on trips together, we spend a lot of time together, have a lot of shared hobbies. We’re a really happy family and he’s previously said that he never wants me to move out

Show quote history

Well, this is your cue to move out.

I have daughter who is 25. It was a horrible thing to say of your dad. Try to block in out for now, and just study. Deal with it later.

Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:54

brunettenorthern91 · 01/04/2025 07:52

I think your dad has heard you say “have them here less for my study leave” and not listened to anything else you’ve said because he’s so peeved you’ve “told” him what to do in his own house. I think that’s probably how you’d hear it too if the roles were reversed - he is human!

I work with trainees doing the SQE so assume it’s law or similar (since accountants have always had exams, with my dad and husband being them!) and he’s right, he couldn’t have done them and needs to be understanding. If they can have kids round 2-4 days a week, he could start taking them out on your non-working day IF they have them to the park or an activity.

His comment was very nasty and hurtful. There’s no justification but if he was a bit of a workaholic absent father, he’s probably found something in his grandkids he never had with his own and loves it. My father in law is similar but would still never say that to my husband.

if you feel you can, I’d bring it up to him but be careful how you frame it and don’t necessarily expect him to not come out with (what he feels) are home truths about you living there and studying.

Yes, it’s the SQE. The first ones I got him to look at the questions and he just couldn’t comprehend what I was doing. I just feel like there’s not a lot of understanding from them that I’m still working, coming home and doing an extra three hours of work a day. I feel like I never, ever get a break

OP posts:
YeGodsandLittleFishies · 01/04/2025 07:56

Simrin · 01/04/2025 07:47

Sounds about right.

This didn't come out of nowhere - he's been waiting for an opportunity to say it (or something else nasty) to you.

He resents you generally and this conversation just gave him a peg to hang it on.

Let me guess, he's not generally a loving, supportive, kind parent to you?

Edited
Show quote history

I think that’s a stretch.

ita more likely that he said it in a temper because he felt his daughter was telling him what he could do in his own house and showing lack of understanding that having his grandchildren round brings him joy.

Even the best of parents go a little nuts for their grandchildren OP. When my nephews were born my parents didn’t speak to me about any other subject for two years.

You are understandably stressed. Focus on your exams and find a nice library to study in.

Eveything else will work itself out.

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 07:57

You were unreasonable to ask and got a sharp response. I’m sure if you were seriously ill or in serious trouble, you would take priority but you can’t expect him to refuse time with his grandchildren so you can be quiet in his home- you can go out!

BlueMum16 · 01/04/2025 07:57

ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:52

I’m not sure if I just caught him at a bad moment or what, admittedly these exams have been very hard on me and he’s been very worried about me, a couple of weeks ago I was nearly signed off sick because of the stress and he was distraught. I think he might be just as sick of them as I am, and just wants them done.

He probably didn't mean for this to be as hurtful as it sounds.

Is their a library nearby you can plan to use?

Good luck with the exams. They'll soon be done.

Mylegishangingoff · 01/04/2025 07:58

If you usually have a really good relationship then maybe cut him some slack. We all have bad days, maybe your request was just the straw that broke the camels back that day.

Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 07:59

StartAnew · 01/04/2025 07:57

You were unreasonable to ask and got a sharp response. I’m sure if you were seriously ill or in serious trouble, you would take priority but you can’t expect him to refuse time with his grandchildren so you can be quiet in his home- you can go out!

Again, I never expected him to outright refuse. I just asked if it could be a possibility because it’s such a flexible schedule. Like I said, if it’s not, no worries, I’ll go elsewhere

OP posts:
kweenkweenie · 01/04/2025 08:00

YeGodsandLittleFishies · 01/04/2025 07:56

I think that’s a stretch.

ita more likely that he said it in a temper because he felt his daughter was telling him what he could do in his own house and showing lack of understanding that having his grandchildren round brings him joy.

Even the best of parents go a little nuts for their grandchildren OP. When my nephews were born my parents didn’t speak to me about any other subject for two years.

You are understandably stressed. Focus on your exams and find a nice library to study in.

Eveything else will work itself out.

Show quote history

Exactly this. By asking him to have them less, he heard that you are asking him to compromise which he doesn’t want to do, in his own home. But his words were nasty.

CaptainFuture · 01/04/2025 08:02

This, and how often is it being mentioned that 'he just couldn't do what you're doing'
and how busy you are with work and study?

Livelovebehappy · 01/04/2025 08:02

It’s a knee jerk reaction from your dad. He was probably taken aback by your demand that he should organise the care of his dgc around your needs, and reacted in the moment with a badly worded comment. I’m guessing it’s hard enough work for your parents trying to accommodate adhoc child care, without factoring in consultation with you too.

SwanOfThoseThings · 01/04/2025 08:03

I appreciate this might sound a far-fetched suggestion, but from my own experience, is there any possibility your father might have the beginnings of dementia? Lashing out unexpectedly over nothing was an early symptom of my own father's dementia.

AtlasPine · 01/04/2025 08:03

I wonder if he meant it the way it sounded. Responsibilities to minors in families do come before those to other adults - perhaps that’s what he meant? He can actively make such a difference by being in their lives as children whereas you are fully formed so to speak!

It does need talking about with him but maybe not right now when your focus needs to be on study. I think going daily to the library might be a better option, or perhaps finding a friend who is out at work all day who would be willing for you to use their house during study leave while they’re at work.

Quietsheep · 01/04/2025 08:03

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

I don’t understand why posters aren’t seeing the significance of this sentence, but are instead obsessing about whose house it is?!!

He told his daughter very explicitly that she is excluded from the people who are most important in his life. He’s told her his wife and grandchildren are important to him and expresses incredulity at her thinking she should matter compared to them.

This is a cruel, emotionally abusive thing to say. It’s appalling a Father would say this, and astonishing posters are defending such cruelty with ‘ well, it is his house!’.

I’m gobsmacked by all of this.

Mountpleasant49 · 01/04/2025 08:04

Could he have meant important in the sense of what gives it meaning, what makes him feel essential etc. not denying it came across as very mean, just trying to offer an alternative way to look at it so you can move on from the hurt. And I think the tone of your request seemed a little distant, resentful, slightly entitled… you were possibly withholding emotions, and he was the one that exploded. Has he apologised? Or didn’t even realise / acknowledge what he said?

Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 08:04

Definitely not dementia, he’s as fit as a fiddle!

I’m flat out at work at the moment. I leave the house at 7:30, get home late. I’m non stop at work, lunch is studying or a walk and then after work is studying. I’m not getting any downtime at the moment at all

OP posts:
HopingForTheBest25 · 01/04/2025 08:06

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. Since your parents aren't looking after the children out of necessity, I don't see it as a huge ask to reduce this a bit to accommodate very stressful exams, or at least to give you a heads up of when they're coming.
I think that you need a quiet place to work right now and a bit of extra care - that's more important imo than babysitting the grandchildren for pleasure. You are your dad's child and should be a priority for him - the way he spoke to you was awful.

If this was me, I'd have to tell him how much he upset me and get it all out in the open, otherwise these things dig away at you and make you feel insecure and unloved.

CaptainFuture · 01/04/2025 08:06

What time are you getting home from work and when are the children coming round then?
The above sounds your hardly at home?

AtlasPine · 01/04/2025 08:07

ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 08:04

Definitely not dementia, he’s as fit as a fiddle!

I’m flat out at work at the moment. I leave the house at 7:30, get home late. I’m non stop at work, lunch is studying or a walk and then after work is studying. I’m not getting any downtime at the moment at all

That sounds so stressful. You must be exhausted. Easily said, but try not to focus too much on your dad’s clumsy and unkind words. Afterwards, you need to sit down and talk to him about how he made you feel. Now though, your energy needs to be on your wellness and your exams.

Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 08:07

HopingForTheBest25 · 01/04/2025 08:06

I don't think you were unreasonable at all. Since your parents aren't looking after the children out of necessity, I don't see it as a huge ask to reduce this a bit to accommodate very stressful exams, or at least to give you a heads up of when they're coming.
I think that you need a quiet place to work right now and a bit of extra care - that's more important imo than babysitting the grandchildren for pleasure. You are your dad's child and should be a priority for him - the way he spoke to you was awful.

If this was me, I'd have to tell him how much he upset me and get it all out in the open, otherwise these things dig away at you and make you feel insecure and unloved.

I think I maybe went a bit too far asking about study leave but to me for the next two weeks not having them one day a week didn’t seem that OTT to me. But you live and learn. He’s acting like everything is normal, I feel so poorly today and I can’t be bothered to hash it out, so I’ll get over it eventually

OP posts:
Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 08:08

CaptainFuture · 01/04/2025 08:06

What time are you getting home from work and when are the children coming round then?
The above sounds your hardly at home?

i asked in relation to my non working day

OP posts:
Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 08:08

You’re a 25 year old choosing to live at home because you only want to work part time while studying, you can’t expect the world to revolve around you.
Asking them to mind the grandkids left often is very unreasonable.

Gymrabbit · 01/04/2025 08:09

Sorry OP - your dad is an abusive cunt.

But you have a ready made answer if he asks you to do anything in the future. He’s not your priority, and if it was me I would make sure that my priorities including washing my hair and feeding my goldfish.

Original poster
ForTealBee · 01/04/2025 08:09

Sofiewoo · 01/04/2025 08:08

You’re a 25 year old choosing to live at home because you only want to work part time while studying, you can’t expect the world to revolve around you.
Asking them to mind the grandkids left often is very unreasonable.

I tried to work full time, burnt out and wanted to kill myself. So yes I am choosing to live at home because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cope.

OP posts: