To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

To be fair I didn't even read it as "see them less", just give her a heads up, if they can, when they are coming over so she can go somewhere else. I think that's pretty reasonable. And if her dad didn't think it was reasonable, he could have said, "sorry love but your sister needs us to be flexible, but I'll do my best to let you know when I know", not a straight up admission that she is lower down the rung of his care than anyone else.

My dad has 5 grandchildren but he still loves me and my sisters as much as them. We're still his kids too.

"(I) said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house."

The bolded bit is where OP went wrong. The heads up was entirely reasonable. But asking them to have the GCs less and to do the dirty work of saying no to the SILs was unfair.

Have you brought this up with your dad? Are you paying any form of rent or bills? If yes, you could threaten to stop paying and leave

Yes that’s really unkind and also your request wasn’t unreasonable, you’ve asked for more notice. I would take two actions:

1. Go to the library on your study days/weekends. Removing yourself from the environment will help you revise - when I was working and doing my Masters, my studying was so much more productive out of the house.

2. Move out. You’ve said your parents are against it but with your father’s attitude, who cares what he thinks? You’re an adult, you can do what you want and after all, according to him, his grandchildren are more important than you so he shouldn’t mind.

Yeah but not really that big of a deal at all, was it?

And certainly didn't warrant the totally nasty response from her dad.

For me, I didn't even consider the children but the fact it's her Dad's house and how he chooses to spend his time.

If you disagree fine but it's a bit immature to say anyone who disagrees must be a 'type'

Playing devil's advocate, because I have a 25 year old step-daughter who lives with me and her dad:

Could he have been joking @ForTealBee ? I know my husband says things to my DSD in jest, but she takes everything he says to heart 😢 she genuinely (and wrongly!!) thinks he dislikes her (her mum did a number on her, that's for sure, with her lies about what he was like when she was little...)

No, she just asked for a little bit of consideration for a very temporary period while she revises for some extremely stressful exams in the home that she pays £500 per month to live in. If she were a tenant or even a lodger, she would have the 'right to quiet enjoyment of her home' written into the lease.

Her father's knee jerk reaction was cruel and unfair.

If she were a lodger or tenant, she would have a tenancy agreement. She’s living with her parents, so she doesn’t. And I’d like to see the housemate or landlord who’d be thrilled with a tenant saying she wanted to study in communal space, not her bedroom, therefore wanting the landlord or housemate not to have certain people over.

Do you think once your exams are over you would be better to move out? I am thinking you aren’t working full time on that salary? Would more hours mean you can? Or are you not open to house share?

Only asked because my dad used to very good to me and off with my DSis, turned out she wasn't his and we didn't know until we were in our twenties

You’re asking for heads up and they can’t do that. If the kids come and you need quieter, as you suggested, pack up and go out.
once your exams are over, you’re rested and feel better, I’d bring his comments up with him though.

Ultimately, the father is making clear that really, he doesn't want her living there anymore. Which may seem harsh, and I know many parents don't actually want their adult children to move out (there are lots on here who lament the empty nest).

However, there are also very many of us who don't want to share our homes with our adult children. After the child rearing is over, we want our own space back. Yes, the logistics of the current housing market means we don't always get it, BUT it doesn't mean we're happy about it. And when adult children start treating our house as if they have equal rights, then the tolerance breaks down.

It sounds as if dad would much rather have the house to himself (and mum) than he would have the rental contribution. And I share his sentiment.

There’s a much nicer way to share that sentiment that telling her that he cares about his grandchildren more than her.

Yeah but would you be a complete bitch about it like this bloke has been?

Not to begin with. But depending on how much I felt like the adult child was taking the pee, I may well have snapped. As I said in the post you've quoted, 'when adult children start treating our house as if they have equal rights, then the tolerance breaks down.'

Suggesting the household has to make changes so she can work at the dining table, asking for advance notice for grandchildren's visits, asking for visits to be cut down, having issues with noise levels. It's demanding. I mean, I get exams are coming and she needs to study. But that is for her to deal with. Not for the whole household to be rearranged to suit her. That wouldn't even happen if she had her own home, husband and family. Let alone when it isn't her house. So yes, he probably snapped.

But she didn’t actually say that.

She asked if they could let her know when the nieces and nephews were coming over so she could go out

What a nasty man your dad is op.

You have every right to feel like you do.

Those making excuses and saying it's his house, she's still in school doing her exams barely an adult. A magic flip doesn't go off in your head at 18 whereby you suddenly become independent and no longer require any familial support or affection (or in this case even consideration apparently).

I've cut people off for less.

Why must you study at home instead of in a public library or cafe?

You did nothing wrong. Your father's response was awful.

Be kind to yourself and mind yourself. Good luck with your exams.

Op what he said was incredibly nasty and hurtful. Having said that if he usually isn't nasty to you and shows that he loves and (maybe more importantly) respects you then I wouldn't draw permanent conclusions based on a one-off outburst. I know my dad loves my siblings and me and has tried to support us even as adults even though over the years there have been occasions where he has made the odd nasty comment.

Some people just talk a lot of shit. It's not an excuse but maybe it's just a failing on their part rather than an indication on how they feel about you.

It all depends on how your relationship is the rest of the time.

Maybe tell him how hurtful you found what he said (though how he reacts to that might open up a whole other can of worms) or just let it go and see if you can see a pattern in how he treats you. For now to be honest I'd do nothing and just focus on your exams.

Best of luck. Hope it all goes well.

@TheAmusedQuail it was merely a request. That's all. Something to be considered. And really not worthy of the completely nasty over reaction.

This is an AIBU. I'm explaining how I think the father sees her as unreasonable.

She asked if they could let her know when the nieces and nephews were coming over so she could go out

Yes, nothing wrong at all wrong with that part, as she could then arrange to go out. You have missed out the bit where she asked if the frequency of them having their grandkids over could also be decreased. Whether it was followed with a ‘if not, it’s okay’ doesn’t make it at all okay to ask this in the first place. I’d think it was the knee jerk reaction to this that caused something equally as outrageous, and not necessarily true, or didn’t have time to put correct words they meant to be put together properly, to be what was meant, in the heat of the moment to be said in response. My mind would be absolutely blown if my kids requested I did not have people over to fit in with their schedules. I wouldn’t say something wrong I didn’t mean though, as I would literally be speechless in shock. And again, yes, I’ve had kids undertake post grad quals while working, one being extremely challenging where they honestly have zero life for few years, not a minute spare and even with that it’s a 30odd % pass rate with very few retaking as they can’t imagine how they could literally lose 2 more years of life, or indeed do any better as you pretty much have to give it 100% in the first instance. Even so, it’s not a free pass to ask to organise a household around you!

It was a one off thoughtless comment.

Of course speak to him about it, but I would hazard a guess he didn’t mean that he loved his grandchildren more than his daughter! It’s more that his grandchildren are part of his life and they have a routine of looking after them.