To be upset by a comment my dad made to me about his grandchildren?

[ForTealBee]

Prefacing with the fact the grandchildren aren’t mine.

I’m 25, and still living at home because I’m studying for some professional exams. They’re hell, I’m stressed and working part time, but hoping to be done and passed soon.

My parents look after my nieces and nephews between 2 and 4 times a week. It changes every week and the days always seem to be changing too. I have a non working day every week and then have study leave coming up soon too.

I was chatting to my parents on Sunday and said that, if possible, I’d appreciate it if I could be told when they’re having the kids and to ask my sisters in law if it could be less often while I’m on study leave, because it’s obviously distracting having the children in the house. I said no worries if not, but I’d at least appreciate a heads up so I can go out to study.

My dad turned round and snapped at me and said “why on earth do you think I should prioritise you above my grandchildren? They’re the most important thing in my life after your mum”

This has just really hurt me. I don’t know if it’s stress or what, but I feel like he’s basically said that because he has grandchildren now he doesn’t care for me.

People can be dreadfully unkind on here. Please don’t let those comments get to you - your time in life in so intense and it’s so easy to get things out of perspective. You don’t have to defend yourself here - no one really knows the pressure you may be under but you.

I would be irritated to hear my 25yo asking what you did. You are in their house and it’s frivolous to ask this. But he was wrong to say what he said. Aside from that, I’d say read the room, really! You are an adult still living with parents and they are doing you a massive favour.

Dementia is not physical, you can be as fit as a fiddle and have dementia.

That sounds very hurtful. I hope he slightly misheard you and overrracted. I’d think adult child still means more to a parent than their grandchild.

If you are doing accountancy exams, how do you not earn enough for a house share? Are you working full time hours? Maybe you need to move out once your exams are done.

I just don’t really get why the focus is on me living at home. Only one of my friends has moved out, and that’s because she managed to luck out and find a studio to rent in the middle of nowhere with all bills included. I live in a place that has low wages and high housing costs. I can’t work full time, save up, and study for these exams, so I’ve had to prioritise studying for now.

You sound super stressed. Perhaps you didn’t come across quite as reasonably as you think? In his ears, did it come as a demand for what to do in his own house when they’re already supporting you with low rent, food, bills, space, maybe housework, tea and sympathy? It’s not all about you - they probably feel they need to support your siblings too. And do what they want to.

We all say things in the heat of the moment. If you have a great relationship normally, I”d chalk it up to you both being stressed and move on. It won’t be for ever. And perhaps think about how your high levels of stress may also be impacting on them too.

that was an awful thing he said op
you were making a reasonable request.

Dressing it up as 'only if possible' is a bit disingenuous, you asked him to ask his other daughter not to bring her children to his house as much, if he does ask her 'even nicely' what is she going to think and say? She would have to say OK I'll make other arrangements, and she would think her parents don't want to look after her children. It's a totally unreasonable thing to ask him to do and is putting your interests above those of your sister's small children who need more looking after than you do.

Don't you have a room, can't you shut the door and put on headphones if there is a bit of noise from the kids?

Focus on exams and sort this out later - GOOD LUCK!
I think it was a tense moment and he sounds like he loves and cares for you.

Like I said, the arrangements are very flexible and I was just asking because I didn’t know what was possible - don’t ask, don’t get. I’d hope my sister would understand I’m in a very stressful spot and that she would know it’s not about favourites or anything like that. We’re all adults.

Yes, I do lock myself away but it was just a question I asked.

and my comment comes with a 26 year old who has moved back home op.
i know we all have to tread carefully
how did you respond to your df?
can you imagine raising the issue of his comment?

i hope this thread hasnt hurt you, some terrible responses here.

I just went back upstairs to study and, I can’t lie, got a bit emotional. It was just hurtful. He’s acting like everything is normal so I don’t really want to risk starting an argument. I just don’t have the time or energy at this point

@ForTealBee I think you said something very entitled and unreasonable to him or at least that's how it was received. In response, he snapped back something unreasonable.

I think you should seek peace, say pax and shake pinkies. He's probably upset too.

I also think, as the mother of 20 somethings, and having done professional qualifications as a mother, that if you need p&q to study, yiu need to pitch up at your local library or a university library or a library associated with your professional organisation.

If you were my dd, I'd be very concerned about you and I'd ask you to reflect carefully about your choice of profession if the studying was making you so stressed.

whatever the circumstances, he said the wrong thing.

I’d like for you to try and work and study the SQE. Instead of making sarcastic comments like that.

op dont respond to the posters
is my suggestion.
best of luck with your studies

100% a horrible thing for your Dad to say. Words like that never leave you and I do hope he apologises.

I do think in your stressed state, you possibly don't realise how cheeky your request came accross. I would be angry if I was your Dad and it was probably an OTT kneejerk reaction.

I would apologise for making the request because it was unreasonable. But tell him how hurtful his response was and hopefully he too admits it was wrong.

Don't worry about your living at home set up. It's very normal. Life is impossible for young people at the moment.

If your parents agreed for you to live in their house knowing you would be studying for these exams, and are accepting rent money from you, they should be able to listen to and consider your approaching them with a problem (too much noise in the house) and brainstorm solutions with you instead of lashing out. I can understand that your dad might have considered "could they come less often for a bit?" as a request to put your needs over the children's and your SIL's/sibling's but asking for a heads up when they'll be there isn't prioritising anyone, it's just being sensitive to the reasonable (and temporary) need of a member of the household. Most people would do that for a flatmate without much of an issue, let alone for a daughter.

Where is your mother in all of this? Even if it's your dad doing all the childcare for the grandchildren when she's not home, it's still her house and she should also have a say in any decisions.

Yanbu at all.
What a viciously nasty comment from your father.
OP, try and focus on your exams and when they are over, find a room and move out.
Stop telling your father any of your business.

That was a truly awful thing to say and you do not have to forgive and forget.

Nasty words have consequences.
He needs to learn that.

Moving out asap is a good idea.

I think what he said was horrible and hurtful. I also can't believe he actually meant it. I think he was simply reacting in a bad way because he felt your request was highly unreasonable.
If I was a grandparent who got great joy from my grandkids I do think I'd be pissed off if my adult child (still living at home) asked me to see them less. I'd think "It's my bloody house, why should I tell them not to come round because of you!".

If I’m honest, what he said is probably true. I know my brother and I slide down the priorities when the grandchildren arrived - they were who my parents focused on most in the world.

Obviously they still loved us, but not in the hands-on, fully engaged way you love a child.

I think he heard you trying to curtail time with his grandchildren when you could easily study in a library or elsewhere. It wasn’t a nice thing to say, and if you’re run down and stressed I’m sure it all feels worse.

Do you live an adult life in their home? Have relationships? Independence? Are you allowed to bring partners back?

You’re obviously really hurt OP but I don’t think your dad meant to be horrible. Asking saying’no problem if you can’t’ is still asking, and shows that you think your needs are more important than his. He was probably hurt by the conversation too.

I’m single, but I would never bring a partner back. I’ve been told that’s a hard no, so I wouldn’t. I do all of my own housework, cooking, etc etc. I’ve offered to take over the “Saturday clean” when my exams are done, but they’re quite resistant to that because they like it done their way.

What sarcastic comment?
I did professional quals, admittedly not SQE, with an 8 and 5 year old, a full time job and household to run. DH is a lawyer, future son in law, not much older than you, a chartered accountant, who did his exams whilst living at home and with a full time job.

Perhaps focus on your revision rather than this thread. Have a walk, make up with your dad and go to the library until 6pm.

Good luck with your exams.

With all due respect here OP there will be people sitting the same exams who have their own children, with thier own home to manage and possibly a full time job. When my husband was planning on leaving the army he still took course materials with him to Afghanistan even though his exams were postponed. I think you were a bit of a CF to ask your parents to prioritise a quiet house for your revision over providing childcare for your sibling and doing what brings them joy.

If he is a lovely dad normally, what he probably means by his comment is that seeing his grandchildren (bringing joy to him and your DM) and making sure your sibling can keep thier job is more important to him than ensuring you have absolute silence to study. Get some noise cancelling headphones and maybe a lock for your bedroom door.