Would you tolerate this from your adult son?
For years I’ve watched my mum live in an emotionally, verbally, physically, and financially abusive relationship with my 18-year-old brother.
He follows Andrew Tate’s misogynistic “red pill” incel ideology and believes women exist to serve men. My mum hides the abuse and makes excuses for him, but it’s getting worse. He’s been physically abusive—pushing, punching her, throwing objects at me when I was pregnant, and kicking holes in doors. His behavior keeps escalating.
He controls every aspect of her life and treats her like a servant. She has to cook expensive meals (which are never good enough and often have to be redone), run his baths (and re-run them when the water gets cold because he hasn’t gotten in yet), and constantly take him on shopping trips. She has to go upstairs to turn off his light even when he’s sitting right next to it. If she makes noise while he’s on the phone, she’s not allowed upstairs. Once, he smashed a plate of curry against the wall because it wasn’t “good enough.”
She has no social life because she has to cater to him 24/7. He doesn’t let her leave the house without permission, and if she does, he bombards her with calls, texts, and thumps on the walls if she doesn’t answer. She has to tell him exactly where she is, and he demands she come home when he says so. If she doesn’t comply, he punishes her—like when he trashed the house while she was in the hospital with sepsis.
He financially abuses her. He uses her bank card to buy himself luxury clothes, takeaways, and other expensive items, forcing her to spend £200 on Ozempic and over £1000 on a caravan holiday for him. She’s in debt, and he keeps getting her card blocked. Every week, she drives miles to buy designer goods for him, only for him to send her back to return them if he changes his mind.
When they go shopping, he sits in the café while she runs around getting everything on his list. If she gets something wrong, he sends her back multiple times. Once she’s finally done, she has to wait an hour for him to finish texting his online friends before he lets her pay and go home.
Her work life is suffering because of him. She’s late every day because she has to wait until he’s ready to be dropped at college—if she doesn’t, he refuses to go. She has to leave work at lunchtime to pick him up. Sometimes, he demands she come home just to fix the WiFi. When she works from home, he still controls her. She has to cook for him, bring him food, and go up to his room whenever he demands, even if she’s in meetings. She dreads being at home.
She gets no rest. He wakes her up in the middle of the night to cook for him or just to demand her attention, even though she has to work in the morning. He makes her drive him to the gym in the middle of the night, wait in the car for hours, then come home and cook his meals.
Last year, on holiday with us, she had to drive back home every night to cook for him and take him to the gym. In the end, he forced her to pay for a separate hotel room so he could come too. She had to stay with him and do whatever he said, only leaving to see us when he allowed it.
She’s exhausted, but she won’t stand up to him. She’s scared of him because he’s 6’4, physically intimidating, and the abuse gets worse when she tries to set boundaries. She jumps every time her phone rings because she knows it’s him, demanding something. She says there’s nothing she can do and believes she’ll have to work forever just to support him. She has health issues, and this is only making them worse.
AIBU to feel so angry and sad that I can’t seem to help her in any way. I want to show her responses from people who can see how abusive and unacceptable this is. What would you advise her to do?