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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

464 replies

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 18:58

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

OP posts:
ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:00

YANBU

Those are minor things.

He can fucking well live alone, then, can't he.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 31/03/2025 19:00

Omg do not move in with him!! He sounds absolutely awful. You've dodged a bullet finding this out now before any further commitment.

Alwaystired2023 · 31/03/2025 19:01

No no no no no thank you he sounds a bit much.

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

Eddielizzard · 31/03/2025 19:01

Hmm doesn't sound great. Not someone who has learnt to compromise and roll with the punches

Iknowaboutpopular · 31/03/2025 19:01

What a div.
Maybe just remind him that there will undoubtedly be things that he does that you don't like. In fact making you feel like he has is the first of them.

Fibrous · 31/03/2025 19:02

Don’t do it!

pikkumyy77 · 31/03/2025 19:02

I would dump him. If he doesn’t know how lucky he is that you love him and have invited him to live with you please bin him immediately! Neither party should feel like they are in probation ffs.

TizerorFizz · 31/03/2025 19:02

So get him to dry the dishes! Could he not help by fixing the light fitting? Something a loving caring person does? I’d be careful. He really wants someone like his mum!

Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 19:02

Apparently his ex never lifted a finger leaving him to care for the whole house but I’m not his bloody ex

OP posts:
AlrightDaveHowsItGoingAlright · 31/03/2025 19:02

Wow. He sounds like a catch.

I would take back the living together proposal if I were you. If he's already critiquing the way you wash the dishes, it will not go well.

CruCru · 31/03/2025 19:03

Run screaming.

loropianalover · 31/03/2025 19:03

If he wants home improvements done quickly and dishes put away immediately, why can’t those be his jobs?

WhereIsMyJumper · 31/03/2025 19:04

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 31/03/2025 19:00

Omg do not move in with him!! He sounds absolutely awful. You've dodged a bullet finding this out now before any further commitment.

Absolutely this. He is being over the top and he will make you miserable if you live with him

MyNameIsAnna · 31/03/2025 19:04

If he wants some things doing a certain way, then they can be his jobs. I don’t dry and put away pans immediately after washing them. If my husband wanted that doing then he’s welcome to do it himself.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/03/2025 19:04

You don't sound compatible to be honest.

If he is already nitpicking about things like this and you don't even live together, I think you would both drive each other insane before too long.

And expressing it in the way that he has, i.e. that you need to meet certain conditions before he will be willing to live with you, suggests that it will be his way or the high way and that he will expect you to match his level, rather than meeting halfway.

Fadeintoyou · 31/03/2025 19:05

I think he’s probably being sensible if he feels how you run your home isn’t compatible with how he runs his and therefore either a sensible conversation happens and you both make compromises or you choose not to bother moving in together. Either that he expects you to keep up with his higher standards for your home together, moving in is a big step and messy to undo so it’s probably a very good thing to think about the things that would potentially annoy each other.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 31/03/2025 19:05

I'm surprised at the replies so far as I think he's being very sensible!

There will be plenty of things about him too that you'd rather he didn't do/did less OP, so tell him about it now.

These discussions are definitely best before contracts are signed and deposits are paid.

pikkumyy77 · 31/03/2025 19:05

ThejoyofNC · 31/03/2025 19:01

Seems sensible that me. He wants to see if you'll both be on the same page so he can decide whether it will work for him or not.

I couldn't live with someone who leaves dishes to drip dry and leaves things needing to be done for months on end.

Ok then if that is what he thinks he should stop seeing her entirely. Why imply that this is a standard she should meet to win his approval? He already thinks his dish wiping standards are of more pleasure to him than her company. Surely he should release her back into the wild so she can meet the right person for her.

Original poster
GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 19:05

loropianalover · 31/03/2025 19:03

If he wants home improvements done quickly and dishes put away immediately, why can’t those be his jobs?

Yeah, he never once mentioned that light fitting, or if I needed help sorting it.

OP posts:
Surroundedbyfools · 31/03/2025 19:05

He sounds hard work. He noticed the switch for months but didn’t offer to fix it for u if it bothered him so much ? He wants dishes dried right away but hasn’t taken it upon himself to do it ? Fuck living with him full time moaning n keeping lists of things he doesn’t like about u ? No doubt someone will be along giving it oh maybe he’s on the spectrum…. Maybe he’s just an arse.
reading this I sound slightly unhinged please excuse the PMT it gives me a very low tolerance of men

TomatoSandwiches · 31/03/2025 19:06

I don't see anything wrong, surely it's best you both be honest with each other about things that you don't like.
I wouldn't be moving in with him though, you don't sound compatible.

TwistedWonder · 31/03/2025 19:06

Control freak and probably the thin end of the wedge.

If you move in, he’ll find plenty of other things you do that are not up to his standards and he’ll gradually wear you down with his ‘my way or the highway’ behaviour

ThisUniqueDreamer · 31/03/2025 19:06

GlorificusT · 31/03/2025 19:05

Yeah, he never once mentioned that light fitting, or if I needed help sorting it.

Show quote history

Also you couldn't afford it as you needed a washing machine. If it wasn't causing problems what's the issue.

Bunniemalone · 31/03/2025 19:07

🚩🚩🚩Run... Starts with this & escalates. So his ex didn't lift a finger... Or didn't lift jump when he said so??? You only have one side of the story. I'd not be taking it any further if these very minor things irritate him... Imagine.. god forbid you actually left the dishes in the sink overnight unwashed.. because you have had to prioritise what is feasible. Nope..