Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

Well, compromise is going to be needed when you move in, but, he sounds like a stickler for little things... I think it depends how you feel about it.

Do you feel like he's nitpicking (in which case, probably not a good idea to move in) or do you feel like he's right, and you'd consider making those changes an improvement you'd aspire to? (might be OK, as he'll encourage you to improve)

I can say outright, it wouldn't work for me (looks at various things that are way low on my 'to be fixed' list - sometimes for years) - but my sister's very happy with a guy who's a stickler, and she feels like he brings the motivation to keep things tidy that she lacks (she doesn't mind doing it, but can't persuade herself to do it, if you see what I mean)

@Surroundedbyfools when he’s in my home, he washes and dries the dishes right away. That’s fine. I don’t always and that’s that.

It does seem to be ‘you must agree to live way’ rather than ‘yes darling let’s live together and let’s have some rules we’re happy with’

I was just about to reply to your first post to say these are red flags, but you’ve just added another one!

From experience OP, please please do not move in with this man. Save yourself the not insignificant hassle of having to untangle it all and the indignity of the many arguments he will instigate. Just do not bother. Tell him to go and find someone who dries dishes in a timeframe he finds appropriate,

@GlorificusT has he got his own place? Or is he one of these ‘do as I say not as I do’ types that thinks they know it all? It is actually good that he is thinking about whether you are compatible with each other but it does work both ways. You have as much right to see if he fits the bill, too!

He’ll make you feel like you can’t relax in your own home. It won’t be fun.

No way should you live with him.

If you move in with someone that you deeply love and who deeply loves you, these little niggles and compromises get discussed and resolved amicably, usually with the person who has the niggle taking on the extra workload their niggling is generating. That isn't what's happening here. He's giving you a list of your flaws and expecting you to work on them until you are good enough for him. That's not good partnership material. Bin him.

He doesn’t sound very mature or confident in himself. A fully adult person would be helping you fix stuff and standing at the sink joining in doing the washing up. A not fully launched person stands on the sidelines critiquing and does not understand the concept of teamwork.
Not a keeper.

Run, my lovely. Don’t look back.

It's nothing to do with not putting them away immediately.

It's about leaving them overnight.

I'd hate to get up for work in the mornings and see a full draining board that hasn't been cleared and wiped down, when it was my DH's turn to wash up the night before.

I'd just find it a tad depressing to wake up to.

Ltb x

I think it’s perfectly okay for you both to want to live in different ways and to be up front about how you want to live. You both need to decide if you can compromise or not.

Can you trial living together without making financial ties?

I have very high standards in my house. You’d all say omg do not live with her but my house is my pride and joy.

@Somanylemons I think I’d want a trial run before signing up to more yes.

Better you know. Is he willing to sort these things if he moves in or will you be running after him?

You'll find out as soon as you introduce some of your rules.

You would be absolutely crazy if you chose to move in with him knowing all of this.

This is mumsnet

he’s unreasonable, picky, an arse, and you should not move in

however if you’d highlighted those things about him he’d be messy, lazy, an arse, and you should not move in

The way I feel is I’m willing to make compromises but I also need to be happy and comfortable in my home as my sanctuary.

now I know he’s been keeping a mental list of stuff that winds him up.

A discussion like that seems sensible before moving in together. If you then see that you're incompatible, you haven't already merged lives.

If I was considering moving in with someone I'd consider them kind of things. Maybe not so extreme as leaving the pots drying over night but things such as pots left in the bedroom and towels on the floor. If it really is just drying pots over night and not having the funds to fix something he could be controlling. If you are actually doing more than that I think he's right to consider how things will work living together. Spending your time cleaning up after someone else and not being able to have a nice clean space to relax in isn't nice.

Yep!

I wish more couples would talk these things through before taking the step of moving in together.

Some people tend to give more thought to what takeaway to have for dinner.

Ha! We can all keep lists of things that annoy us. Seems like he hasn’t thought about all the things you might have “noticed” about him! Is he normally this crass? Is this clumsy communication or arrogance?

I’ve been married a long time. The key is remembering that you are lucky to have someone who puts up with your idiosyncrasies - something he seems to have forgotten!

I don't think you'd find any couples who've moved in together who haven't encountered this kind of minor difference in household management. Normally you learn to live with it, or agree compromises. Your boyfriend's expectations seem unrealistic and it's a red flag that it's his way or nothing.

Exactly!

I have told him there are things about him less than perfect but I don’t keep a list at the ready because my love trumps all.

He is on the spectrum so maybe that

Depending on how it's worded i don't think there's anything wrong with addressing issues.
He doesn't like dishes left out. You're not bothered. So he'd end up doing it all the time. Then you'd end up arguing.
If a woman came in here saying her DP never does the dishes and it was always left to her then the replies would be quite different. He'd be called lazy.
You're just not compatible. There's nothing wrong with that