Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

Seems like he hasn’t thought about all the things you might have “noticed” about him!

He's asked for a sensible mature conversation before deciding to move in.

So hopefully he won't need to think about them because the OP will raise them in the discussion?

If that’s his reaction, I’d rethink living with him. He’s not excited or happy about this at all. Don’t give up your freedom if moving in with hi means everything being done his way. You’ll be back on here in 3 months regretting it.

How old are you? Is he just a bit immature? I would tell him that’s just over the top and out of order
if he’s older then he’s never going to change and that’s just the tip of the iceberg .
My ex husband used to be like that a little bit and make little put downs which didn’t bother me in my twenties, but when we had been together for so long it started to make me feel shitty.

This is exactly what I came on here to say. It's the start of coercive controlling behaviour. Been there with someone just like it.
Don't do it. It's shit and miserable.

@comealongdobbeh yeah exactly.

maybe my condition is - needs to be excited and happy to have a future with me.

I’m surprised at the replies. The problem with most guys complained about on here are that they’re too keen to move and they never lift a finger. This guy has some domestic standards that he cares about and doesn’t want to move in if it’s incompatible with how OP lives. Seems sensible to me.

'My love trumps all' 🙄

Wow, what a response to someone wanting a sensible discussion about the practicalities of living together.

Really not very mature OP.

Yes, that’s the reaction you would expect/want if he’s to be a keeper

Except he hasn’t. He’s rattled off a list of gripes.

He doesn't know that yet. This is your interview.

It’d be different if he’s just being lazily critical and expects her to do all the domestics but that’s not the case from what she’s said.

Wow, do not move in together....

It's not the fact that he prefers things to be done a certain way it's the fact that he wants YOU to do things HIS way there doesn't sound like much compromise or flexibility

In my experience men who say their ex never lifted a finger are saying that as an excuse to not have to lift a finger if they ever need too it becomes an issue "I knew you would be like her etc" friend of mine got to talking to his exes after they split up he told ALL of them the same lazy ex story so they did all the housework to prove they were different...it clearly worked

What's his current living conditions. Is he staying multiple times a week at yours or not anyways. Onward and upwards get shut

I think the problem is that you have been thinking about taking your relationship to a more serious level and he seems to have been compiling a mental list of your deficiencies. Working out some house rules in advance isn't a bad idea, and discussing finances is sensible if not romantic. Remember, particularly if he moves in with you, that you are doing him the favour.

@GlorificusT yes but we know from reading MN that love doesn’t trump all. Habits that are irrelevant when you don’t cohabit become irritating when you first move in together, and then after a couple of years they become grounds for homicide! He’s being very sensible to iron out these issues and talk them through before making a life changing commitment.

I genuinely don’t see the issue 🤷🏼‍♀️ you will share space and he’s being open and honest about things that irk him. Rather than get the hump because you do things that others find annoying think of the things that would annoy you find a way forward together.

it would be an issue if he refused to agree to change anything you see as annoying but expected you to change the things he sees as annoying.

sounds like, thus far you do shit that annoys him but he is mature enough to realise it doesn’t affect / impact him so hasn’t mentioned it. Seems he has only brought it up because you mentioned living together. He didn’t just wake up with a list of you do these things and it annoys me.

im in the minority but I don’t think he is unreasonable, controlling or the red flag

I'd start drawing up your own list of his annoying habits haha! Seriously though, living with someone is ALWAYS going to involve some compromise and tolerating each others ways - my DH still leaves cupboards and drawers open which used to drive me mad but now I just close them (we've been married 35 years!) I have a habit of tidying up around him in the kitchen (he's messy) and occasionally have put away something before he's even used it 😬 we try and laugh about it, we're very different but if you love each other the good outweighs the bad!

It does sound like your partner might be a bit set in his ways and unwilling to compromise. Maybe give it some thought and talk some more before moving in?

To be honest he is very clean and tidy at home now, but he wasnt when we first met.

he cooks a lot and he’s very good at it. So a lot of pluses. I also cook.

My home is always tidy and clean when he comes here. I feel he needs to get a grip because these grips are going to diminish my feelings for him if this continues.

Run for the hills!

Dump him, OP.

Things aren't going to get better from here on out, he's showing you clearly who he is and you should believe it the first time, as the saying goes.

Someone who loves you and is a good partner would not belittle you for not getting around to fixing something. That's just life! He sounds like a controlling dickbag and you can do so much better. If he has hang ups because of his ex, that's his problem and you don't know her side of the story anyway.

Loves trumps everything is naive. Him checking that you have compatible habits is completely reasonable. You should be doing the same. It's called being an adult.

There will be things that you each will agree to compromise on and others which are deal breakers.

He wants to live in a tidy fashion, and you are untidy and disorganised- however he is being dictatorial, and more like an annoyed headteacher.

Do you want such a person?

You won't change, so there would be a lot of nagging and petty arguements.

Run a mile!

He wants to make sure your compatible.

This would be a definite red light for me. Many years ago, I was married to a man who was absolutely determined that he would be providing an increasingly long list of "how things must be done ". This list included which way nappy pins must be pointed when fixing the baby's nappy, how many potatoes must be prepared for when his (equally controlling) mother came to lunch and why he needed to consult with our village hairdresser over how he must cut my hair, as he (husband) had to look at it. After five years of this, I initiated divorce proceedings which were successful. The absence of being chivvied by him was blissful.