Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

Nutjob. These behaviours will only get worse, these are the ones he thinks are ok to share..what comes later is gaslighting

Presumably, you don't have a dish washer? Is it normal for people to dry their dishes immediately after washing? Lol I thought drop dry was the only way for those without dishwashers.

Only the most desperate of women would move in with a nutjob like him.

He will get a lot worse.
Some women have to learn it the hard way!

That's so true. In all honesty I don't know what he's done wrong either. OP asked him a question and he answered it honestly. That's a lot better than hiding his thoughts until he can't take it anymore.

Yup Twistedwonder is 100% correct he is a lazy manipulative control freak. Opt out to escape and save yourself a lot of misery.

No criticism of him but I think you are fundamentally incompatible.
I read once that it's the really little things that you need to get right in a relationship as these everyday little annoyances chip away and break up relationships, not the big things. It said that a marriage can survive the very worst things thrown at it. It can survive the death of a child, but it can't survive the toothpaste cap being left off.

This is why I won't live with a woman again, I like my peace and things the way I have them, doing what I want and the weekend and the no sense calls about nothing, it's bliss.

That is pretty much the text book definition for nit-picking- I'd kick him to the kerb completely , and consider I'd had a close call, after all it's your home not his, he sounds like a user.

Actually that's a pretty good point. He didn't randomly come out and say this, he was asked a question.

The OP asked a question to determine if they were compatible, it's clear they're not. Time to spilt ASAP before it gets complicated.

I can honestly see why some men find it more trouble than it's worth. 😢

Or why women find it more trouble than it's worth, especially with controlling nutjobs like the OP's boyfriend. These men are enough to turn women lesbian.

100% agree. I'm not convinced cohabiting works for either party in the modern world.

Classic mumsnet

a tidier man is a nut job, manipulative, a freak, an awful person who holds his slightly messy partner to unreasonable standards.

a messier man is someone you should never live with, lazy, dirty, probably a mysoginist and definitely unreasonable.

i dont think he’s done much wrong tbh

I had a BF like this. Lovely guy but he would totally have done my nut in if we live together, so we split up.

Tell him it's more hygienic to leave the dishes to dry naturally, not dry them with a potentially germy cloth!

It's fine to be tidy and to need things done a certain way, we all have those things in our lives.
When you live with someone you need to have compatibility. The rhythms of your day, the rhythms of your emotions, how you treat friends and family, how you deal with problems all need to be in sync in some way. Otherwise it is a chore, and people get into 'well he wants me to do this', 'she doesn't understand' and we all start to feel like the other person is unreasonable.
Personally I am a leave the dishes till the morning, leave them to drain sort. On its own it isn't a dealbreaker, I would just do the washing up after dinner, but obviously at some point there would be enough little things like that which would add up to basically having different domestic rhythms. And that's just a pain to live with - both with him and with myself.
It sounds like he's got a few more things he finds would need to fit his rhythm. I am sure if you go deeper into how emotions are expressed, you'd find the same. That's the sort of thing you have to really be honest with yourselves about before living together.
(And I say this as someone who realised much later than I should have done, that I need a more emotional presence in my life. DH's and my emotional rhythms are completely different. Happily we love each other and give each other leeway but there have been times when it's been really hard.)

If a man posted this about his female partner telling him her living together conditions and saying he felt nitpicked and controlled, we'd get 100 posts about the mental load and 50 posters linking that She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink article.

Even if you do have a dishwasher there's always something to hand wash (the crystal glasses / something I'll need again before the dishwasher is run / a particularly dirty roasting dish). Personally I think drying dishes is unhygienic, unless you get out a clean towel every time.

Yes, but it's the quality of those thoughts that's at issue here, not his honesty. 😁

Will he expect you to cook clean and contribute 50/50 whilst he just works and comes home too?
Will he even pull his weight?
I’d take his ridiculousness as multiple red flags and definitely not live with him

Clean tea towel - hardly onerous.

Anyone else hearing Iron Maiden belting out Run to the Hills?? Its a Heavy metal band......

Well I wasnt but thanks for the earworm!!

Might have to dig out my vinyl, I'm sure I have it on 7" !

@Proudofmynane and a great track it is too - best played loudly

I discovered that if you try to play at a low volume it just doesnt work, cant hear anything. Its silence or the full 11 with that track!