Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

If he truly wanted to live with you because he loves you he wouldn’t even notice such minor shit

Seeing someone’s space and how they behave in it is very telling. If I felt a partner was messy or slack when it came to maintaining their home I wouldn’t be rushing to live with them either.

You asked a question and he answered it seriously. Maybe you should extend him the courtesy of reciprocating

Absolutely have, but I still find things irritating about people that doesn’t mean I am abusive. I try not to let my experiences of abuse cloud my judgement of everyone! Someone telling me I do shit that annoys them does not make them abusive.. someone refusing to accept they do annoying shit too and makes changes and constantly berate and belittle me does make them abusive.

you do not know he is abusive. That’s why I said if he only expected her to change and him not then that’s an issue.

he didn’t hand her a list. She said let’s move in, he said there’s some things I don’t like, she asked what those things were. He gave them.

in my experience of living with an abuser, he wouldn’t be able to keep it in, even not living together he’d have said it, belittled me, joked about it. This guy hasn’t said a word until OP asked

just think it’s a stretch to assume he is abusive because there are things that annoy him, that alone doesn’t make him abusive or controlling.

I was seeing someone, he made the bed and moved my pillows, I struggle to sleep when my pillows get moved. Asked him not to touch my pillows said it annoys me and explained why. We didn’t live together so am I abusive because I shared with him something I didn’t like?

He is saying No
without saying no

he is saying incompatible….

I think the pertinent question here is whether he bothered to find out why the light switch wasn’t fixed before he criticised. OP explained she needs a joiner for the job and the need for a washing machine trumped the expense - if he knew this did he offer to help ? Similarly with the dishes - does he eat there ? If so, then why doesn’t he dry the dishes himself if he doesn’t like the way OP does things ?

Hmmm… maybe.

Or maybe he’s just really anal about his house rules. Be warned op: there are few things worse to live with than an anal rule-wielder.

I wouldn't have my dishes coated with bacteria, it's healthier to leave them to air dry. People on the spectrum can't compromise on certain things, it's better to be open and honest about things. It could be that you aren't incompatible. It could be that your DP would need to live with someone as organised and passive, for it to work.

Make your own list of dealbreakers and see how much compromise can be reached. If still have conflicting aims then don't live together .

Living with someone is the most overrated goal ever. Everything goes out the window and you're treated like an old sock on the radiator

Under no circumstances should you ever consider moving in with this critical, uptight neatnik.

Now that you've seen that he keeps a running list of your "faults" and has zero self awareness, do you think you'll ever be able to unsee it?

Stay in your own home. Live your life the way you want to.

Leave him to his own ways in his own place. I'd hesitate to even have him over to yours after the conversation you had.

In fact, in love or not, I'd back away fairly fast from the relationship. There has to be better partnership material out there.

Save yourself years of nonsense and just run away now.

Possibly why she is the ex. I bet she binned him when she discovered his laziness.

It doesn’t sound very sexy does it 🤪. Isn’t the idea of living together meant to be exciting initially? Not bloody drying dishes and light switches.

There is no need to quote the opening post when you are replying on any thread @Starling7. It is assumed you are replying to the OP unless you say otherwise. It just makes the thread ridiculously cluttered and long.

It's not a double standard. If OP intends to have children with this man, or be with him through perimenopause and menopause, she is putting herself at risk of being judged and not supported for housekeeping standards also at times when she is physically and mentally vulnerable. Someone who is unloving about minor details isn't a good prospect to go through life stages with.

Run for the hills! For me, the fact he said he'd noticed things but didn't tell you all of them is a massive red flag. It's designed to keep you on your toes.

Yes. Definitely double standards @OneWaryCat.

So he's already got one failed long term relationship behind him?
Not a good sign

You think everyone settles down with their first serious relationship? Why is it not a good sign?

And this is why I wouldn't live with anyone again, or have a full on relationship. I'm done with compromise and pleasing people and I guess I'm going to get worse the longer I'm living on my own, lol.

It's natural to like things done your own way and maybe he worded it badly when he explained to you. Not sure who is moving in with who or if you were planning on getting somewhere together. However, maybe you should take a few minutes to write your own pro's and con's. If he's not willing to be flexible then it'll never work. For example - I always wash up at the end of the evening (don't dry). Sometimes I might not, that's my choice. Would he blow a gasket if you did that?

Not in the least. We have a pretty good sex life but I’m in danger of being turned off permanently.

that said I’d probably add ‘not enough oral sex’ to his list of cons but im not sure he’d appreciate that.

Actually without wanting to derail, I used to think that, then watched a documentary on household germs. Apparently the healthiest thing is to dry with a sterilised ( ie run a hot iron over it) tea towel. The “drying dishes spreads germs” thing comes from situations where people re-use teatowels that have sat damp since the last drying. If the teatowel is perfectly clean, it is more hygienic to dry them than leave them damp ( for bacteria to land on where there is moisture to allow bacteria to grow.)

But whether or not he has a point is kind of beside the point: he sounds bossy and uptight OP. And I bet his last gf wasn’t all that messy; she just didn’t do it all his way.

He doesn't want a partner, an equal, he wants a slavish housekeeper. Fuck that with a very long barge pole. Dump him right now. Absolute fucking freak of a so called man.

Nah I hate drying the dishes straight away. Most people use cloth that will leave tiny bits, nooooooooo - just let them dry on their own please

He's actually going to a right pain in the arse to live with and he's clearly showing you that now!! Believe it!!