Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

Run

Initially he said I’m sure there’s things about me you don’t love that need compromise..:

honestly there are some things but nothing serious enough I would list them and risk damaging our relationship. I don’t like this approach.

@GlorificusT my dp does the dishes and that means washes, dries, puts away. When I do the dishes, I wash them and leave them to dry usually overnight. It took me years to realise we meant different things when we said ‘I will do the dishes’ but once communicated I understood more about what they meant. Dp is Autistic.

someone autistic can have very different communication and it’s important to work out and specify things. Having a list may be a way for your DP to remember what he wants to say.

keep talking, it may help

neither way is correct they are just different ways of doing the dishes

now I know I try harder to wash, dry and put away, (cos my DP prefers that and I love them) but I don’t do it always. But then my DP and I don’t argue about that.

There's a way to be nit picky but without seeming critical - honestly this is a massive test of communication styles - if they don't work then it may be best to abort.

Love only gets your so far - the ability to critique each other healthily is such an important factor

This can be part of a very mature and sensible discussion. Or it can be controlling. I’d be careful making statements like my love trumps all - because living someone, you can love them but they can also annoy the daylights out of you.

Controlling would be these are what I demand but I’m not willing to do all these things. These are my standards, you will meet them to earn my love. In which case, run for the hills.

Mature and sensible discussion is these are things I find really annoying. You’re allowed to say what you find annoying too. From that point there are three routes you could take. 1). It’s annoying to him, it’s not that big of a deal, I’ll do it. I trust he’s going to stop doing the things I find annoying. Move in and continue to have sensible discussions as more annoyances arise. 2). Say I really can’t be arsed to do that/I really won’t remember. Can you take that chore and do it to your standard and I will do this chore that you don’t do to my standard. Move in together and try to do it to the other’s standard if you need to do their chore occasionally. 3). This is a really pedantic thing to get worked up about and you couldn’t care less about it. You can’t work out a fair way to share the chores that makes you both happy - not being too pedantic for you but meeting his standards, so you don’t move in. You continue living separately and have your own rules and own standards for your own homes or you break up.

🏃🏼‍♀️

I think run. Yes, people need to compromise to live together but that doesn't mean presenting a list of demands. And for me at least thinking something as trivial as how you do the dishes would be a reason not to live together would just mean we could never be compatible.

I'm amazed by how many people think this is ok. You don't decide whether to progress a relationship on the basis of washing up preferences or any other minor things like that. You move in to be together and exercise give and take. He sounds incredibly uncompromising and potentially quite controlling to me.

Yes, but on the plus side...

No, sorry, I can't see any...

Good for you. It seems you’ve never been in a coercive and controlling relationship.

He’s compiling a list of her perceived weaknesses and deficiencies before they’re even got the keys. Whether he likes it or not, she will leave dishes to dry overnight at some point, even if she tries her hardest not to. He will likely have a laundry list of demands that she will spend the entire relationship trying to meet.

A mature discussion regarding expectations around household chores it’s a great idea before living together. Handing your partner a wish list of things they’d better not do, is not.

I’m sure many people are commenting on here from lived experience. OP is free to make up her own mind and make her own mistakes.

He's not ready to live with you it seems.

Consider yourself fortunate (and now find someone else).

I agree with your opening comments….you ARE right to be feeling you are auditioning to live with him! If this is how you feel now, I wonder how you’d be feeling in 6, 12 months time.

His comments are his comments, he entitled to them, it’s your choice, however, as to whether you want to live with them.

He will be a nailed on pain in the arse if you move in with him. Save yourself!

@GlorificusT We found a match for your bf. I would suggest you ask him to dry the dishes if it bothers him that much or you look for a bf who has better priorities in life than how you dry dishes.

I think this is the only advice needed!

Are you considering having children with him in the future? I’d be concerned about how he’d cope surrounded by the chaos kids bring. Drying with a tea towel is a personal preference - I could imagine the kids would get constant pernickety instructions about the way he has decided things should be done

I couldn't live with someone like that. There would be any number of insanely unimportant things all the time.

I think it's fine to have conditions and standards and expectations, but they should be about important things like money and allergies and schedules and house security and things like that.

A fixation on such minor things can't lead to anything other than a simultaneously monotonous and stressful life.

I live with someone a bit like this - dislikes the way I load the dishwasher, nitpicks about minor stuff etc etc and it does drive you a bit mad. What is most annoying though is that it seems like it is always his way as when I bring things up he does that I don't like he gets defensive. How would your BF react if you pointed out a lot of things you would like him to do differently when/if you live together? If you can discuss and reach compromises on the things that irritate you/each other then fine but if it is him checking you meet his standards all the time I wouldn't move in

You two are not a match. Do not move in together.

Run.

I think there are double standards here.

Everyone calling on OP to dump him. If a woman said on here she was dumped because she explained to her partner prior to living together that she didn't like him leaving dishes o drip dry overnight and that she'd notice a light had been broken for a while, everyone would think it was the most ridiculous thing ever.

He clearly isn't ready to move in together and that's OK.

To be honest the dishes wouldn't bother me but I would be put off by someone who hasn't fixed something in 3 months.

Then don't leave the dishes dripping and dry them yourself if it bothers you. And she couldn't comfortably afford to get the switch fixed, what's she supposed to do? Get a second job just so she can get stuff fixed so it won't bother him?

I agree that compatibility is important, but it does involve some reasoning and compromise.

You need to talk about expectations and finances.

When DH and I first lived together there was a period of adjustment as I hate housework and he was more houseproud. We had a big row one day and decided to write a list of "irritations" to discuss more calmly as a sort of "house rules" agreement. I only came up with about 5 or 6 things that annoyed me about him - he had 2 sides of closely typed A4 about my annoying ways! 🤣

Despite our differences we've managed to remain married for over 20yrs and raise 2 DC. DH does the ironing as he finds it calming and I loathe it, especially shirts. He stacks the dishwasher, I unpack it. When DC grew older they got chores to do (laying the table, bring down the laundry etc). We all try to make it work. It's not perfect but works most of the time.

I couldn't live with him, he would drive me mad. I allow my dishes to dry naturally too. And ofcourse you are going to prioritise your washing machine over a working light fitting, that makes perfect sense. He could have offered to fix it but no he simply added it to his private list of your "flaws." Not a keeper this one imo.

I’ve no idea what your boyfriend’s actually like, but this is damned if you do damned if you don’t.

Couples should vocalise expectations before moving in together. You asked him a question and he seems to have taken it seriously and answered it.