Boyfriend’s living together ‘conditions’

[GlorificusT]

I recently said I’m ready to live together and what did he think. He said he’s ready to take the step in theory but it depends on some things.

He said there’s some things he’s ‘seen’ about how I live that would need to be addressed. I asked for an example, he said the way a light switch broke three months ago and I haven’t fixed it. The light still works but the fitting doesn’t - I need a joiner, but I’ve been paying for a lot of more critical things like a washing machine.

He said the way I leave the dishes to dry overnight rather than drying them there and then. Then he said there’s ‘a few other things I’ve noticed’ but didn’t expand!

Tbh I feel annoyed. I love him and proposed this in the spirit of wanting to live with him but he seems to have been keeping a list of cons in his head.

His criticism makes me feel like I’m auditioning to live with him, AIBU?

What if he gets worse? His 'conditions' are pissing you off already. It's not a good start is it. Also, you cant go by his version of events how 'lazy' his ex was. His perspective sounds rather scewed.

So he's already got one failed long term relationship behind him?

Not a good sign.

\it does sound as though he's offering himself up as some sort of prize you get to win if you behave yourself.

Why do you want to live with him? I'm guessing it's financial?

@Daphnise he actually is a bloody teacher but I’m not one of his students!

I understand checking compatibility. But I am worried about listing faults escalating to me ending up in an unhappy living situation.

I'm not sure I would move in. He is basically telling you he is finding you wanting and that if only you will improve a bit you will be worthy to move in. It;'s dishes now, but it will be something else later and later again. Where is the discussion or the compromsies? I bet there are things he does which drives you nuts. Are you allowed to talk about that?

FWIW I have lived for 20 years with DH. He is bloody hopeless with cleaning and stuff. It can be incredibly frustrating. But I accept that some things are important to me and not to him and vice versa- so I like a clean kitchen when i go to bed. he does not care. So I clean it. he likes the dishwasher stacked a certain way. I stack it like a racoon on crystal meth so he stacks the dishwasher. I cannot abide feeding the dogs smelly dog food so he does that and I pick up the dog poo in the garden because I prefer that. Neither of us said 'You have to do it like this according to my rules'. We talked about the things that matter to us and then divided up the chores. DH is as we speak medicating the pets and feeding them. After I stop faffing on MN I am going to clear out the kitty litter trays.

Hmm, I think he’s said this in a bad way, and it’s not a great footing to start on - but if he’s a tidy up, get stuff done person then if you make a nice list of tasks and divide them between you, would that work out fairly? I’m just thinking that I’m a bit like him. There are certain things my partner takes ages to do when it would take me a second to sort out, so I used to end up doing more than my fair share. Now I leave things to longer than I am comfortable with and he does eventually do them, irritating but at least I’m not resenting him anymore.

@DenholmElliot11 not financial because I’m the wealthy one!

it’s because of love. I miss day to day with him and we live 2 hours apart now. Seeing each other weekends.

I’d question this.
that’s his opinion but it could be way off the mark. My dh seems to think he does everything too, and I’d say he does about 5%…

id run a mile, either stay as you are, or throw him back.

@GlorificusT these dishes that were left to dry ? How did he see them ? Was he staying at yours ? Had he ate there ?
Who cooked ?

what a dick he could have offered help with the light switch and well I bet the dishes too

He will be the sort who has spreadsheets of who does/did what on this or that day. Another with who spent this amount compared to the other person. Just no!

This this this!

Big red flags. Sorry OP.

I mean. Sounds minor and nit picky. However, I'm glad he's bringing these up now. Livign together might not be for you if you have such differnet standards.

Apologies if I've missed this but where is he living now?

@Idontjetwashthefucker he lives in his own home alone. As do I. He rents and I own.

when he’s in my home, he washes and dries the dishes right away
OP you need to tell him that if he wants to live with you he needs to stop doing this. Anyone with an ounce of knowledge about infection control knows tea-towels are microbe heaven. Warm and damp, yipee they say. Your air drying method is far healthier.
But obviously this isn’t about the right way to do things, it’s about control.
Run.

Fucking hell! what a mismatch in finances.

Date and marry and have kids with your financial equal. It'll end better.

He could have paid for someone to fix the light fitting and dried the dishes himself, but he didn't.

It looks as though he'll be nagging you into conforming to HIS standards.

I wouldn't move in with him.

@DenholmElliot11 he is at least now in a position to buy a home…

Honestly can you really be bothered with him, you'll be walking on egg shells before you know it. Tell him it's more hygienic to leave dishes to dry naturally.

I agree. It’s the little niggles that cause the biggest problems.

I think if he presents me with more issues the urge to say oh f*ck off will be strong.

I brought this up because I’m in love and ready to move to the next stage. He’s made it into an assessment I need to pass. He even said his family are nit picky about how clean his home is so I know where he gets it.

To be honest my OH is really untidy and sometimes it drives me nuts! I wish we had discussed some “ground rules” as I’m sure I do things that drive him nuts too! I’m with you OH on washing up and putting away straight away, it’s so much less hassle in the mornings!

Did his ex actually not lift a finger, or did she just commit heinous domestic crimes like air-drying dishes? He sounds like a nightmare - if he's this nitpicky now it'll only go downhill. It sounds like he's presenting this as something you need to fix about yourself rather than something you'll need to compromise on - if he's being more egalitarian about it that's not so bad, but giving you a list of corrections before he blesses you with his presence is an absolute no. Avoid.

Sometimes love is not enough.

Sorry but I don't think he's done anything wrong, he is being sensible, he is on the spectrum and is particular about his home.
Living with someone else may not even be a thing he is capable of long term op.
I think you have expectations that are unfair for him, you need to rethink the social expectations of relationship stages and what they may look like with him instead of a NT man.

He's not the one that came to you and said, I want to live together but you must change XYZ.

If my bf paid for something in my home id be furious it screams to me oh little useless woman here I am, man, fixed it for you! Be the last think he paid to fix

I always think the best way of showing your standards is by demonstrating it yourself. I think a much healthier way of him communicating would be for him to offer to help you get the light fitting done. Similarly with the washing up - helping you do the drying and saying "I hope you don't mind, I just personally have a thing about leaving things to dry".

Without that empathetic demonstration of different behaviours it comes across very judgemental - which is the first way to put someone off romantically - well done for sharing!