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Original poster

He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

315 replies

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:05

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 30/03/2025 16:17

Take your time to think about this OP. My DH and I are also from different countries and right from the start I told him that I didn't want to live long-term in his country (it's not an European country) and that if he wanted to return in the future for good, then that was okay, but we should go our separate ways. 20-odd years down the line I'm very glad that I laid my cards on the table at the start, because it got that conversation out of the way - a conversation that every international couple must have at some point.

How long have you been with your bf? You say his comments came out of the blue, so I'm assuming quite a while. People can and do change their minds about things and maybe this is something that he's only just realised that he's sure about, but remember that this is your choice too. I know at least three couples who broke up over which country to live in. Two were before they had kids, the other ones had three kids when the woman realised how desperately homesick and miserable she was and that she just couldn't do it any more. Don't rush making your decision. Love is not enough on its own.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:27

@cheezncrackers thank you. 1 1/2 years.

it was a bit of a shock to hear but he’s been thinking about it for a few weeks.

The main sticking point for me is my parents. The thought of not being there for them if/when they are sick and old. Having children and them not being close to their grandparents.

Ive been in other relationships but this is I’m the only I’ve been in where I’ve been able to imagine a life with kids. He’d make a great father and we love each other. At 33 there is no guarantee I’d meet someone else either. I’m sure in Denmark they’d have a better quality of life.

Another smaller part of me does acknowledge what if I did meet something else here. There are no guarantees…

OP posts:
Sunnydays25 · 30/03/2025 16:28

I'm a single parent and I wouldn't want my DS to feel that he had live near me to look after me in the future, I would want him to live his life the way he wanted to.

Denmark isn't too far from the UK, good quality of life, and I imagine a great place to bring up kids.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 16:44

@Sunnydays25 thanks.

I actually lived abroad for years and partly came back to be with family. We are close and I see them regularly - in an ideal world, I’d prefer to have children here. I live in Scotland and did have a good upbringing.

I do also worry about regretting leaving my
whole life behind. I know I’d be starting a new one. Just not sure how to decide.

Clearly I might close him forever if m not up for doing this.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 30/03/2025 17:11

Scotland isn't that far away from Denmark. If you had to, you could fly to Scotland to see your parents or they could visit you. If you give it a go, you can always change your mind. I think you should look into it. Ask him to tell you all the good things about living in Denmark. How would it affect your work? Leave your parents to one side. Focus on pros and cons of each country.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:21

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand another concern I have is children.

He is keen for us to have children in Denmark whereas I’d rather have them here even if we do move there in the end. Part of the reason is that apparently it would be hard to ever bring kids back here if relationship broke down due ti Hague convention.

I’d need to look into it more. I also have only been to Denmark once so far. I don’t feel I can make a decision without more time there anyway.

OP posts:
Nameftgigb · 30/03/2025 17:24

The first thing I was going to say is do you want children. Some of the posts on here are horrendous where women have been trapped abroad, or even lost their children due to being in a country with no women’s rights

Loopytiles · 30/03/2025 17:28

The ring thing is weird and seems a kind of ultimatum, saying he’s unwilling to marry, have DC etc with you in the UK but asking you to move to his country to do so.

At 33 and wanting DC you have other options but possibly not loads of time.

presumably you don’t speak the language so your job options there could be limited.

It’s likely that if you had DC there and later broke up you wouldn’t be able to return to the UK to live with the DC without his agreement.

Those and your wanting to be near family would be reasons to end the relationship, for me.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2025 17:29

So I’d be laying cards on the table like @cheezncrackers and prepared to walk away.

YourChicShark · 30/03/2025 17:29

Do you have an EU passport? If not, be aware that post-Brexit it’s incredibly difficult for British people to move to Denmark unless your occupation is on the priority recruitment list. Being married isn’t a guarantee either. There’s a really helpful Facebook group British in Denmark which has lots of lovely helpful people. Denmark is a really child-friendly country and the work-life balance is great, there’s lots to like. You should definitely visit again before making a decision. Happy to answer questions.

annoyedandbored · 30/03/2025 17:30

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:21

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand another concern I have is children.

He is keen for us to have children in Denmark whereas I’d rather have them here even if we do move there in the end. Part of the reason is that apparently it would be hard to ever bring kids back here if relationship broke down due ti Hague convention.

I’d need to look into it more. I also have only been to Denmark once so far. I don’t feel I can make a decision without more time there anyway.

You'd need to never move if you have children regardless of if they're born in the UK as once they're classed as living in Denmark it'll be impossible to move back when you split up

MrsCastle · 30/03/2025 17:32

Denmark is not far away!

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:33

For the record, I will have dual citizenship by the end of this year hopefully, as I will also have Irish citizenship, providing more options.

He stated he hasn’t closed the door to living in Scotland when I made it clear this needs to be an option for me if we remain together.He also said he’s open to Ireland depending on work possibilities. But it’s clear his country is the preference.

OP posts:
Almostwelsh · 30/03/2025 17:33

If you don't want to move don't do it. You will resent him and nothing kills a relationship faster than resentment. You could end up stuck over there if you have kids, as you won't be able to bring them to live in the UK without his permission.

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:35

To be honest, I just don’t know what I want to do. I might love Denmark but what if I don’t? What if I hate living near his family and miss my own so much I realise it wasn’t worth it?

Alternatively I might love it. It’s meant to be a great place to raise children.

I do keep thinking about what happens in say, 20 years, when my parents need help. My mother needed to be there for her own mother regularly. I’d have to accept not being able to do that.

OP posts:
GargoylesofBeelzebub · 30/03/2025 17:36

I would not live in another country and have kids. I know several people who are now living in a different country to their kids after the relationship broke down.

Tallerandtall · 30/03/2025 17:36

@Stanwyck

marry him and go to Denmark and get out for farage and Brexit fucked UK

until we rejoin

lucky you

Original poster
Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:38

The way it feels is like this:

I love this man. HE feels like home to me. I’m happier with him than I’ve ever been in a relationship. So I’m open minded.

But my family, friends and hobbies are here. I’d have to say goodbye to all that.

if I say goodbye to him instead and stay, I might never meet someone I love so much. Then I’d regret it.

OP posts:
ThisUniqueDreamer · 30/03/2025 17:40

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:38

The way it feels is like this:

I love this man. HE feels like home to me. I’m happier with him than I’ve ever been in a relationship. So I’m open minded.

But my family, friends and hobbies are here. I’d have to say goodbye to all that.

if I say goodbye to him instead and stay, I might never meet someone I love so much. Then I’d regret it.

Say you'll go back to denmark with him and then don't.

Have children here and say that you want to do that to be near your parents for the first couple of years. Then refuse to move. He won't be able to go home and take the kids with him.

RedToothBrush · 30/03/2025 17:41

I’d need to look into it more. I also have only been to Denmark once so far. I don’t feel I can make a decision without more time there anyway.

He has had time to live in the UK and make the same decision about Denmark. You can't just go and live in Denmark for a couple of years to make a similar decision without an EU passport or a visa. You have only been there once.

So you simply are not in a place at the moment to make a decision about a long term future there. You need to stress that. If you both want the relationship to continue there needs to be an acknowledgement of that, and that you can't take a long term decision to move there yet, only medium term ones. In the medium term you need to work on visiting lots. Is he prepared to give you that time? And is he prepared for you to ultimately to say no just as much as yes?

If he won't give you this time and space your only option is to end the relationship immediately.

This is a huge decision and it has to be right for you both if you both think the other is 'the one'. If you are still left with doubts on that and aren't sure about Denmark the answer is still no.

But I would also stress this is his decision to make and that's fine but it's also your decision to make freely too. And if you are going to be the one moving abroad he owes it to you to be enabling you to be absolutely certain before you commit. Any pressure or time limitations on it, is not ok. If he doesn't like that, he needs to just end it now.

oviraptor21 · 30/03/2025 17:42

Don't forget if you have kids and your marriage/relationship falls apart, you'll have a fight to come back to the UK if they've been living overseas for any length of time.

Whyherewego · 30/03/2025 17:44

I'd say generally Europeans, and I am one, are far more relaxed about living in different countries and places and people in the UK. I'd think nothing of living and working in another country personally and my mum lives elsewhere and I'd hope for my kids that they will too in time.

Denmark isn't far and you may love it. You could be offered a dream job in france or Ireland or Italy or the other side of the UK eg Cornwall. Would you say no to a fabulous job opportunity? If you would and you really want to live near home and not ever be far from there, then I'd say split up with him because it's not fair to rule out ever living anywhere else and making his life choice have to be near where your parents are based on potential parent issues. Only you know your feelings on this, what's right for me may not be right for you and so on

YourChicShark · 30/03/2025 17:44

Stanwyck · 30/03/2025 17:33

For the record, I will have dual citizenship by the end of this year hopefully, as I will also have Irish citizenship, providing more options.

He stated he hasn’t closed the door to living in Scotland when I made it clear this needs to be an option for me if we remain together.He also said he’s open to Ireland depending on work possibilities. But it’s clear his country is the preference.

Great that you’ll have an EU passport. That makes it SO much easier! Could you take a longer holiday in Denmark, to get a feel for it before making a decision? Would you be moving to Copenhagen or elsewhere? There are regular direct flights to Edinburgh from Copenhagen and relatively easy options to Inverness (and Aberdeen I think). It’s not far, under two hours.

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/03/2025 17:45

Marry him here and have children here and travel to Denmark regularly until they are in secondary and then if he longs for home spend ten years there and then choose.

Sassybooklover · 30/03/2025 17:46

You need to look into everything, yes Scandinavian countries generally have a very good work/life balance. How easy would it be for you to find work? I'm guessing you don't speak the language? You'd need to learn, as it would increase your chances of finding work. Can you only work there if you fit a specific skill set? If you did have children in Denmark, how easy would it be for you to bring them back to the UK, if the relationship failed? Have you spoken to your parents, regarding the future and help they may require? I'm an only child too, and I couldn't leave my parents to live in another country. You need to research. Think very very carefully and don't make any rash decisions.