He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

@Stanwyck my father in law loved visiting us in Copenhagen - even at 81 - he would have been out every 8 weeks or so if we were ok with that

Seems improbable that even if they wishes to do so your parents would be able to move there, unless they’re very wealthy.

My current instinct is I’m open to a move there but I want to start trying for kids in the next two years. I will not, in that time, be ready to move to Denmark. I want to have them here.

Therefore I’d want to have the kid or kids here with a potential move to Denmark to continually be explored in the meantime.

if he says no to that and that the kids absolutely need to be born in Denmark, then what does that say?

What stands out is your feeling that you will lose your friends & family if you move away. But that’s not a zero sum game, at least to my way of thinking. I will tell you why.
i moved away from my home country many years ago & came to the UK. I did not lose my friends/family. We stayed in touch and now, decades later, we are still very much in regular contact. Agree, we don’t physically see each other so much, but I think the bonds of friends & family are strong. I look at it as adding more & more people to my circle, not exchanging (“losing”) old friends for new (hence not a zero sum game)
I think perhaps your worries stem partly from being an only child, so there are fewer people to look after your parents, and I can understand that makes you more vulnerable to thinking you would be “abandoning” your parents.
You could gain a great deal moving to Denmark - new friends, new cultural experiences. Or you could hate it.
I think you need to consider this even-handedly. The ideal would be to move there for awhile, or at least visit extensively/regularly. It really isn’t far away, If you turn down what could be a life enhancing experience by focussing on what you think you may lose (not gain), it would be sad.

Maybe look at the danish healthcare system as it is much safer than the UK for both mother and baby. Not saying you have to just worth a look. Maybe look at potential schools in both Scotland and Denmark so you can make objective decisions?

Yes I see my friends too - we chat most days on WhatsApp and they come and visit us and we visit them. And I made new friends.

@Poppins21 I’d be happy to do this. I said to him today I’d prefer to keep both Scotland and Denmark on the table. But there isn’t much point in doing this if in his head Denmark is always the foregone conclusion.

yeah, I know i’d make friends. But these are 20 year friendships I’d be leaving behind so it does mean something.

OP - are you the person who posted a few months ago about their partner wanting to buy a holiday home in Denmark? Anyway, I personally would go, simply because Denmark is supposedly a happy place to live, a safe country and you seem to be in love. It's hard to find a good partner/father of your children but it seems you've found him. It's not far and you could come back frequently.

You could write the equivalent of 'A Cold Swedish Winter' @Stanwyck! Seriously though, really difficult decision to make.

Would you be able to live a bit of a split life for a few years with extended periods in both countries if you can both work remotely. This could lead to having a home base country once your future DC were at school and spending vast majority of school holidays in the other country. Of course this depends on your work flexibilty and finances- would be expensive I think.

I always imagined if I had children my parents would be hands on. Dreams of Sundays in the park with them etc. Not potentially once or twice a year during a visit.

taking out the ageing aspect, I am very close to them both and enjoy their company. I also know I can’t make all my decisions based on them because I’ll grow old with a partner while they’ll be gone. Still the thought of being far away hurts.

I also know Denmark isn’t very far so maybe I’m catastrophising but it would be a big thing to give up.

You could do a lot worse than Denmark. I spend a lot of time there.
I know it’s not really the point but it would be a wonderful place to raise children. Things just work. Everything is well funded and clean. Public services are great. People are great. Weather is no worse than Scotland.
But yes, hard when you’re an only child with ageing parents.

Didn't rtft. You're wise to consider all options, though frankly if it were me I'd MUCH prefer bringing up kids in denmark than scotland 😅

Would it be an option to move now to denmark ? See if you like it a year from now. If you do you can ttc then...

As for your parents, it's hard for me to relate because I have a complicated relationship with mine. But say you stayed to be close to them, ended up their carer, then alone and childless at 60. Would you regret it ?

Of course it's possible you could stay and it all pan out differently but you should always consider the worst case scenario when thinking about big life choices.

Another point to consider - would you want to be their carer ? It can be an extremely thankless job and impact hugely your relationship. You stop being their son or daughter to become their carer. It's one of the reasons why I'd never want to do it. You can help them from afar, you can visit frequently, and living far away makes it easier to not be roped in to help more than you really want to...

You could consider some less stereotypical arrangements. It is possible to have a successful long-distance marriage, for example. I did it for twenty years, with a range of distances from 300 to 3.000 miles. Obviously, the shorter the distance, the more often you can see each other. It’s also a lot simpler if one or both of you have a decent amount of autonomy over your working patterns, so you can take or send the kids to the ‘other’ country for decent chunks of time. It’s definitely more expensive to maintain two homes, and it’s bloody infuriating when you get into a routine that suits you and the light of your life rocks up and wrecks it every weekend, or for weeks at a time, but the pros (your family, friends, career etc) can outweigh the cons.

@Maxorias I know, Denmark sounds better in theory, but I think I’d need to know WHY. I had a great, safe,upbringing here and was forever cavorting about Highlands and Islands. Good education.

If I stayed and end up a carer with no partner I would have regrets. But seeing as he wants to live near his parents, it seems likely I’d end up being carer to his family instead of mine. We brought up a third option, like Ireland, because it removes that entirely.

On the other hand, I could leave tomorrow and meet another amazing man, have kids here and stay close to my beloved family. Win win. Sadly I have no way of knowing.

The problem is it sounds like he's saying he will go either with you or without you. That's not a relationship you want to be in. He's not choosing you. He's choosing what he wants and hoping that you'll come along.
I have no issues with a partner raising concerns about where you live and agreeing that you'll sit down together. Discuss options, pro/con lists and come out with a decision together but that doesn't sound like this.
What happens if you move there, you have kids there and then you're stuck when he finds someone who he would rather be with them than in a particular country.
It might sound harsh but that's the reality.

Alarm bells for me.

1. You don’t sound like you’d want to move to another country and leave your parents behind.
2. If you have kids with him and your kids live in Denmark for a year then if your relationship broke up there’s an international law that says the kids should stay in Denmark unless he agrees to let you bring them to England. Which he’d be unlikely to do since he’s see less of them. Google ‘Hague Convention’.

Silly question - but have you even been to Denmark yet? I think to make a decision you need to have spent some time there first.

@Nn9011 i broached this a bit today. I said as partners I’d like us to be discussing different options and open to compromise. Are you saying if it came to it, you’d move back and have kids with any old woman? And he said no of course not.

But, I mean - he DOES seem to be seeing it’s probably Denmark or no future.

And I certainly need to be chosen because I’m so loved. I completely agree with your point here because I share the concern.

@CautiousLurker01 ive visited for one week! And liked it a lot, but it’s hardly something to base my life off of.

I was going to say this. You are trapped if u have kids in his home country. And him bringing this up soinds like he has done serious thinking, alone.
He may want to go back to Denmark. Its his home. Thibk,twice before you do.
He's met you on your territory..It sounds cruel to me that he's saying he wants you to have children in his country, when he's the one who moved away and met you in your home country. I dont like the sound of it really.

On that basis I think it’s really hard for him to ask you to decide. If you’ve only visited for a week, you really can’t make an informed decision and it would be unfair of him to ask you to. Not for something that is meant to be a permanent decision.

Is there anyway to have a sabbatical from work to go and stay there for 3m, explore the area, rent a place short term and get a real feel for life there? You could explore how easily/quickly you could get back to the Uk to see your parents in a crisis (in the UK, many of my friends could get back from Paris/Rome quicker than it would take them to drive to their parents - my in-laws, for instance are a 4hr drive. DH’ll be at the office in Germany tomorrow in less time than it would take me to get to their house?)

You could go and speak to an employment agency there about your job prospects, have a nose around the schools etc. I think as a PP says above, you need to sit down and state that its a huge ask on his part and that you’d need much more information before you could make that leap of faith - bit I’d also be cautious about a blanket no. You love this man, you may never meet anyone else that you like as much and you’ve stated having children is important, so I wouldn’t dismiss it out of hand?

That sounds like youbwant to stay close to your family. Honestly, tryst this feeling
You didn't go to Denmark nd meet him.there. he came to you. You made choices to stay.
It honestly sounds very risky to me, and not nice of him to get involved qhne he has a clear desire to have kids in his home country and near his own family.
Not nice. Find someone you can plan a future with on equal terms.
Let him go..painful as it is. It would be more painful to have kids and be stuck in Denmark with young kids , no partner, and your beloved family out of reach.
He's the one who left his home..not you.

@Toohardtofindaproperusername yes and until 2 weeks ago he said he said he could see himself living here long term.

people can change their minds obviously.

On the other hand, is he actually willing to lose me if I don’t want to make the move?

Right now I just don’t know if I’m willing to leave my family, friends and community for this relationship. It’s a huge sacrifice. I love him but this requires serious thought now.

You need to visit more. I think a lot is moot until this happens.

Your non negotiable is childbirth in Denmark - utterly understandable and shouldn’t be a point of negotiation - you are putting your body on the line for that, he doesn’t get a say over that. I can’t imagine giving birth in an country I didn’t have the language skills to communicate thoroughly with.

If you moved would your Mum and Dad be ask to come out for extended periods? Wouldn’t you be able to pop over for extended periods? Danes don’t start schooling until 7 so there’s lots of time.

@Frostynoman yeah, he didn’t sound thrilled when I said I wanted to have the children here and then potentially open to Denmark later.

He has said before ‘it’s your body’ so he has sympathy for the viewpoint.

I think pregnancy here first is probably my non negotiable yes. If that isn’t acceptable to him then I think it would tell me something important on how highly he prioritises my happiness and comfort.

I imagine my parents would come out for periods, especially as they’ll be retired.