He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

I understand his point

Denmark isn't far from Scotland

If you're a sociopath do this, sure.

Dear OP, I understand you coming here and asking for advise as this is indeed a difficult decision to make, but I would say that by coming here you actually answered your own question. You know what the answer is, but do not want to admit to yourself.

Emigrating is really, really, hard and unless this is something you wanted (like one of the posters pointed out), this is not going to work for you. Also, it depends a lot on your own personality and how close you are with your parents, siblings etc. I know that there are a lot of people in this situation and it does work for some, but it is very risky. I know too many people stuck in this situation, especially when kids are involved. If this happens to you, that you have kids down the road but really long to return home, this will be a very sad life to live. I do not know you, but from very little you told us, I would say, no, do not go.

Can you speak Danish?
Are you prepared to learn it?
Are you prepared

• To be on the outside of conversations because your grasp of the language isn't good enough?
• For your children to speak a language with a fluency, speed & accuracy that you exceeds your abilities?
• To not have close friendships because you don't share the same kind of upbringing, have different values & don't speak the same language

The gap between Scandinavia & the UK is greater than most of us would realise unless you're living it.
I worked for a Scandinavian company, speak the language fairly fluently, had my partners family & friends around me but after 5 years we came back to the UK because I never felt like I belonged there.

This is Denmark though. Often custody is 50-50 on a divorce there. The rights of both parents and the children are protected and it’s a great place to bring up children.

I know quite a few men from the UK, who has moved to Scandinavia and have small children. They are very happy here, and their children speak both languages.
But they all speak the language very well, and have adapted to family life here.
It’s quite impressive. So it’s hardly impossible either.

They are moving to Denmark. It’s a great country to bring up children, and the equality is not like in the UK.

We lived in Scandinavia for 10 years my daughter speaks the language fluently- us parents ok. We are currently in Brussels for a 2 year contract and I can’t wait to go home to Scandinavia. I am a Brit by birth but was made to feel very welcome in Scandinavia and our neighbours still speak English with us 👍 I like Denmark and think it is a great place to raise kids and it’s not a long flight back to Britain.

A PP made a very good point saying he has more of the information to make that decision. He’s lived here for 7 years and before that in Denmark his whole life.

And I know what it means to be an expat because I lived in Italy for 4 years. I loved living there but I didn’t 100% belong. I’m sure it would be the same in Denmark and how would I feel. I think I’m adaptable to living in various places but I’m not quite sure yet.

there is a Danish Scottish society locally, might be worth going along and exploring that.

his retort was (because both my parents are about to retire in their early 60s) they could stay for a period in his family’s house to be with me.

Is he suggesting you would be living in his family's house as well?

All the people from UK I know, living in Scandinavia, all feel very welcome and like the lifestyle here. You need a positive mindset though and make an effort yourself.

Honestly, I’d say no. You have no idea about the lifestyle/how you’d manage day to day. What job would you do? How often do you currently see your parents/friends? I just couldn’t do it, I came back from France, despite being bilingual and loving the place. Probably a bit pathetic, but I couldn’t cope with being even that far away from family and friends.

Denmark isn't that far!

When you have kids - you could easily commit to popping back once every, what 2 months for long weekend.

And your parents are prob still young? Are they late 50s/60s...so unless very unwell could continue to fly over and see grandchildren for at least another 20 years or so?

I know of a woman in her 80s who was reguarly commuting back and forth to Argentina for 20 years seeing her kids /grandchildren... Now the kids are uni age so come over to see her in vacations.

Also there is no guarantee parents will NEED you... My mum never did... Was fit and then had massive heart attack and died.

Totally agree. Belgium is good too and we have been made to feel welcome here but I miss the outdoor life and space

Bloody hell that’s awful isn’t it. Why would she treat the man she loves and the father of her children like this?

The cycling everywhere is great too. I agree the outdoor life and space is hard to compare to anything, and it’s what I miss when I’m
abroad. The fresh air and fresh water.

Not saying you would OP- just replying to what a PP suggested Good luck with your decision. Maybe spend this summer in Denmark and see how it grabs you?

I just seem to get in the way of cyclists in Belgium as they pop up out of nowhere. I haven’t got use to that yet 😂

Can you work out a life plan that involves moving back and forth? Eg children in Denmark, but once they have grown you move back to UK, or vice versa?

Whichever country you’re resident in, you commit to visiting the other home country every summer and Christmas.

It is an enormous risk with many difficulties ahead. Scotland is your love, it is where you are from and everyone that loves you lives there.

Denmark is nice but quite dull. It might feel boring very quickly and may never feel at home there. Having children is very very hard without family support, and you run the risk of feeling very isolated unless you have an established and very supportive network in place.

I think you might find it harder to have children in Scotland and then move to Denmark. That is likely to be very painful for everyone.

Whilst I can see why for him life in Denmark is the best choice, I can’t see how this is best for YOU. It is a massive sacrifice, and one you might come to resent.

I would hand the ring back in your place and end the relationship and save the inevitable pain. You would be far happier in the long run marrying someone else op, that shares your love of home and family.

Decision making aside, this is the ring!

not a proposal, but still interesting timing to give this I think.

Oh and can I say as someone that’s lived overseas for decades. Scotland has some of the most awesome world beating scenery and islands. Absolutely stunning. So whilst Denmark is nice, Scotland is hardly without it’s beautiful outdoor spaces, tremendous coast lines, mountains and culture.

You would be far happier in the long run marrying someone else op, that shares your love of home and family.

What an odd thing to say. You have no idea if OP would be happier marrying someone else.

@Laststraw25 the problem is - you say I’ll be far happier in the long run, but neither you or I know. I wish I had a magic 8 ball!

I had relationships in my teens and 20s but he’s the only one I’ve seen myself with long term at now 33. Who knows if I will meet someone else?

so it would be a risk. I am not ready to agree to that kind of move now though.

Scotland is absolutely stunning too.