He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

Don't make decisions out of fear you will regret them and you will miss out. Make decisions because they are the right ones and based on the things you value and do have and have control over.

You are already emotionally being blackmailed here. Keep this in mind and effectively draw up so stepping stones, where you can still say no at any point. Take a little of the power back here and say, well if I do consider going to Denmark, what hoops are you going to jump through to enable me to make sure it's the right move for me and it suits me on my timescale not yours.

If you doesn't want to sign up to your potential roadmap to Denmark, then he's not right and it won't end well because he has all the power in the relationship. He needs to show an understanding of your position.

Right now he probably knows he can ultimately emotionally blackmail you on this. Through some logic back in there to stop yourself falling into that trap.

@RedToothBrush What I started to suggest was having children here first.

One reason I have was wanting to be surrounded by family during pregnancy and his retort was (because both my parents are about to retire in their early 60s) they could stay for a period in his family’s house to be with me.

But the reality is

1. I’m not ready to move to Denmark and can’t say I will be before we start trying

2. I want to have them here because I know there are legal implications to having them in Denmark if I want to my one back

I mean, should I just be honest and say look, im not willing to have them abroad because I need to retain the right to come back here if required? It’s a bit brutal but true.

You don't say what sort of family connections he has available in Denmark, OP?

Does he have parents there that he is close to? siblings? is there a possibility of some nice aunts, uncles and paternal grandparents for your children?

Clearly, family is important to you, as it is to me, so I would definitely put some serious effort into building a relationship with his family and see if that develops into something that makes you want to move there more.

In terms of your own family, I honestly believe that it's all about the effort you put in. Denmark isn't the other side of the world and the world is so much smaller now anyway because of technology. With enough effort, your children will have a good meaningful relationship with your family, no matter where you live. My sister lives in New Zealand, so pretty much as far as you can get, and my kids still know her very well and I have close friends from Italy, Poland and Czech Republic who have amazing relationships with their parents and see them regularly even though they all live in the UK, with their parents back home. Unfortunately, my dad, who lives only a couple of hours up the road hardly sees the grandkids, claims we are "so far away" as an excuse for never seeing us and isn't technology literate.

Good luck with your decision making x x

I moved to my husband's country and had children here. I didn't move until I had a solid job offer and was prepared to stay here at least until my children were adults.

Once you have children you can't move back to the UK without their other parent's consent so you have to be prepared for the possibility that the move is permanent.

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements his parents live there and he is very close to them. His brother and his wife also live an hour away so yes they’d have an uncle and aunt.

I have met his parents once and therefore feel in no position to essentially be signing up to being part of their family unit.

To even be able to make a decision, we’d need to spend more time with them and in the country.

I've no parents I'd want to stay here for
And only a few friends
But even so
I'd never move countries for a relationship,or even a marriage
I'd only move if I wanted to .
If you moved ,he left you with kids and met someone else ,you might find you can't bring your kids to the UK .
That's enough for me to say no

That's what I am saying.

My advice to you, as a person to whom family is very important, is to concentrate on building that relationship with them, and seeing if it's something that's going to work. Make that part of your decision making process.

I understand him. It is no doubt that it is the best country of those three to live in. It is great.

But maybe not for you, if you want to live close to your parents. You should give it a chance though.

I wouldn't do it, OP. I'm glad he's been honest with you as it gives you an immediate choice. If you have children there you'd be stuck there unless he gave you permission to take the children away. Would he really do that?

I assume you don't speak Danish either, OP. You'd have to think about the impact of that on your ability to make friends and build your own support network over there.

Two of my friends are stuck in UK because of this. All they want is to move back to Scandinavia and their families, because of quality of life. I told my DH straight away that I would not want to continue living in the UK or his country (which is very far away), and he moved with me. The trick is to learn the language before you move, or straight away. Or you will never feel like you belong.

Having an EU passport will be good but won’t mean you can get a good job in Denmark.

Each of you knows that if you have DC in the UK or Denmark and stay a few years then that is where the DC will live and you will therefore be stuck. Hard reality.

The main difference in your situations IMO are twofold: he has more time on his biological clock than you do, and with his English and current job he has much better job prospects in UK/Ireland than you do there.

I also don’t want to not do it just because I worry about how it will work with my ageing parents later on.

I think it’s the fear of the unknown for me. I like the idea of living there and raising children there in theory, but yes - what if the relationship breaks down? What if he met someone else?

I want to in the end feel happy with my decision. My close friends who I regularly see are 20 year friendships too. I’d lose my support network.

I don’t speak Danish, I would need to learn. His parents speak fluent English,

Thankfully I speak other languages so I’m hoping I could learn.

Unless you could secure and keep a good job there you could also be economically dependent on him.

You want to build this relationship on a lie? What a horrible person you are.

This is incredibly devious and not something you would do if you love someone.

It is really good he had this conversation with you and thought about it before you got married tbh. He could have "trapped" you and decided to dump this on you shortly after bit he had the decency to give you a choice.

We live in an era of cheap flights and it's not longer that hard to ge abroad, especially in Europe.
But life is one of choices and you have one. You can always ask him if he'd consider moving back when your parents need help for a few years....

@Loopytiles this is a great point.

Funnily enough I saw two jobs this week for my role which accommodate either working in Denmark or remotely in UK. Probably rare!

So far he agrees my career needs to be a factor. He said he’d happily be the main earner if I wanted, but I think I’d still need a career.

I’m also an author and make money from that but not enough to live off yet.

What is wrong with you!? What a horrible person you are. A woman did this to my DH’s brother, he moved back to NZ and she was to come over with their two children. But changed her mind as soon as he got a job and house there, all ready for his family. Those children still suffer, 10 years later. So do us a favour fuck off with your advice.

Also, you seem to have missed that she actually loves him. And wants to live her life with him. He feels like her home. That is a rare thing to have.

As someone who moved to her DH’s home country (a lot further away from the UK than Denmark!) many years ago, this is the advice I give to women in your situation. You have to want to move to the end of the world for this man, AND (most crucially) know for sure that he would do the same for you if you asked for it, in order for this to be successful.

Emigrating isn’t easy, even if it’s intra-Europe. There are so many factors, some of which won’t make themselves apparent to you until years down the line (not a failing on your part, those factors just don’t exist yet). Your mindset has to be one of “I’ll take anything, deal with anything, and I know he will support me in that and we would both do the same if roles were reversed”. (Obviously there are hard lines no woman would ever cross, but those aren’t specific to a move to Denmark).

Communicate, communicate, communicate. Both of you out all cards on the table. Family, friends, money, career, goals, children. Everything out in the open. Talk about it until you can talk no more. Then decide.

I’d be very careful in your position. I am married to a European from a country not too far from Denmark. My first child was born abroad (bit different as I was already living there then). I had great support from his family and friends and spoke the language. Nonetheless, after 3 years I found I missed the UK too much and wanted to return. I would probably have stayed if he felt he couldn’t bear to leave (agreement on marriage was we were both prepared to live in both countries if necessary- we had both lived in both countries so we were able to make an informed decision)
My thoughts are, firstly and most importantly as you identified, if you go and you then have a child there, you are committed to staying for 18 years unless he agreed to let his child leave (why would he if he wants to stay in Denmark). There is wiggle room here but it would be hard.
Next, you won’t really integrate unless you speak the language, even though they all speak English. Are you up for the hard slog to learn it?
What happens if you go and decide you don’t like it? Have that convo before you go!
I know you are still young but I would be very worried about running down the biological clock here. If for whatever reason it doesn’t work out, I would like to make sure I have time to meet someone else to have children with if this is very important.
so I would:

• Discuss what happens if you are not able to settle there. There are no guarantees but if he says something like ‘well it would be over’ - then he is asking you to make a sacrifice for him that he is not prepared to make for you. That would not work for me.
• IF I go, I would set a time limit - It has to be 1 year minimum I would say, ideally 2 - to really be able to decide one way or the other if you think you could make a go of it.
• If I went I would be sure to have independence - get a job and a separate life with my own friends. You are trying to mimic a ‘rest of your life’ scenario here.

I don’t think any amount of extended trips will help you decide I’m afraid. A holiday is not real life. A last point, I absolutely would not move there permanently with a small child until I am certain I could stay even if the relationship broke down.

OP’s boyfriend seems to be making clear that he would NOT do the same for her. He is being honest, but hiding unpaletable things behind silliness with the poem/ring/his family hosting hers.

i live a long distance away from my preferred location and that of my friends and family (within the UK) for a man who loved me but was honest that he would not do the same for me, and overall it’s worked out, we have DC and been married 20 years. The imbalance did and does bother me and wouldn’t have moved overseas for him.

Living in Scotland would be the same regards care of parents