He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

I do find it slightly odd you don’t go back regularly so would already know the country well and have a good idea if you would like the culture or not. It is a very short flight as it isn’t like they live in Australia.

my DH’s family live 3 hours from us and before we had children we went back at least once a month to see them. Less so as kids got older due to weekend activities but I’d say I know his hometown as well as my own at this point.

I should also mention that he started saying oh well if you need your support system while pregnant we would accommodate them and welcome them in Denmark.

I think he is putting the thought of moving home above everything. The reality is that he studied for a long time to get a career he started a year ago in the UK. It is a career to be envious of and he’s seriously saying he’d pack it in after a few years? Doubtful.

@CantStopMoving you have a point. How come he only goes home at Christmas if he’s so attached?

he chose to leave nearly 10 years ago!

Perhaps you need to push further and ask him how he thinks having kids in the next 2-3 years fits in with having them in Denmark, which he says he wants to do, if he also says he plans to stay in the UK for the next ten years for his career. Only two of these things can both happen if you remain together as a couple, not three.

The options are:

• You have kids in the next 2-3 years whilst living in the UK and maybe move to Denmark later. (Having kids in Denmark falls by the wayside.)

• You move to Denmark and have kids there 2-3 years from now. (Staying in London for the next 10 years for his career falls by the wayside.)

• He stays in London for the next 10 years and then moves to Denmark before having kids. (Having kids in the next 2-3 years falls by the wayside, and having kids with you at all probably does.)

If you put it like that, which of the three ideas would he drop? Living in London for 10 more years? Moving back to Denmark before having kids? Or having kids with you in the next 2-3 years?

If it's the last option then the relationship doesn't work for you and you need to break up.

If it's the first option then you're back to the dilemma in your OP, which is that you don't know if you're willing to move to Denmark.

When you lay it all out like this, it looks very much like he either commits to having kids in the UK in the next 2-3 years and puts the idea of Denmark on the back burner and accepts that it might never happen, or you go your separate ways.

I find it odd that he talks about wanting kids and has such fixed ideas about how they should be raised that he particularly wants to be in Denmark and not the UK, but also talks about wanting to be in London for the next ten years. Even if he knows in his heart that he's not going to do any of this stuff with you and is just future faking, you'd think he'd want to get back to Denmark sooner than that so he can meet the Danish mother of his future children rather than leave it until he's in his mid 40s. Something doesn't add up.

Your first priority needs to be to establish whether he is future faking or not.

@Stanwyck do you actually mean that you would consider moving to Denmark after a few years of having children? Because you saying that will sound like a promise in his ears because he is so keen on the idea and if you are actually very, very unlikely to ever want to move to Denmark with the kids then you should tell him that. It's not really fair to give him a half-promise that you have no intention of keeping.

I haven't said a word against him, nor would i. But it is OP who is posting from a womans point of view and it is women who give birth to children! So my view as a woman is firmly from a womans point of view.

No way would I do it. I met a lovely local man that I was absolutely weak for at 25 and it was with this in mind that stopped me getting serious with him. I didn't want to permanently live there with the complication of children.

Great if it works out, unfortunately for many, despite loving their partner it is a huge sounce of private regret.

At the very very least OP should live there a couple of years, building a life to see if she likes it, before having children.

I loved when I lived, but still didn't want to have a family there.

I think I was very lucky to have had those women be so frank in their conversation with me as it was hugely impactful to me and kept me from being led by my heart, instead of my head.

Why don’t you start learning at least some Danish? Phrases and words. Before you have children. It may also show him in some way that his culture won’t be lost in the future if you decide to have kids and stay in Scotland.

You will need to learn the language anyway if you have children, so might as well start now when it’s easier.

If you lived abroad and came back because of family, then don't go to Denmark. I left my home country 20 years ago, never wanted to go back and don't miss it. Some people miss home and family, and it sounds like that's your case.

@Mauro711 I would be saying I want to have kids here and in the meantime have lots of trips and get to know Denmark better. And remain open to moving there. Which is true.

The fact he also said ours is the best and happiest relationship he’s had makes me think he might agree.

It depends. He has a lot more time in his biological clock than I do. @MissScarletInTheBallroom suggested a few options and he could go for 3 and lose me but still have kids.

Maybe your sister should learn the language. It’s what people moving to the UK have to do. I had to. My DH had to learn my language when we moved here. No problems fitting in then.

Your points has nothing to do with Denmark specifically though. That's just what it's like when you relocate and it is going to be much harder to feel integrated if you don't speak the language.

I think in your situation I might be tempted to call his bluff. Say you would like to start trying for a child as soon as possible - like this year. Than guage his reaction. If he comes back to the 2-3 year discussion, ‘maybe but see how it goes’, or ‘l need to be in Denmark’, what is he waiting for? He said himself he can’t move back within the next 2-3 years. Tell him your biological clock won’t wait forever and if you then have issues in 3 years you run the risk of possibly never having children. Don’t let him run down your clock by default. Either he sees you as his life partner, children and all, irrespective of geography, or he does not. Better to know now if it is the latter.

What an odd thing to say, the power is with him. Your sister is an adult who decided to move to another country herself. If it is a power thing, maybe rethink the relationship, or as an adult woman decide to take back the power by learning the language of the country she is in. Especially if she has children. It’s rude not to, and instead expect everyone else to fit in with you.

@Firefly100 i don’t want to do that because I started a new job recently and want to give it at least a year to settle in before announcing potential maternity.

but in the next 1-2 years yes.

Hasn’t he already said he doesn’t see me as life partner by default if he’s saying he’ll move to Denmark no matter what?

And yet separately I’m the best partner he’s ever had. Hmm.

I suppose this is a way to force the issue.

I do recognise the risk in him agreeing to have kids here in 1-2 years, then getting there and him saying ‘nah needs to be Denmark’. I’m not sure if this is a risk I can gamble on.

So work out when is the earliest time you'd be comfortable going on maternity leave, count back 9 months from there, and ask your partner if he will commit to TTC then. Tell him that in any case you don't plan to use any contraception after that date.

That is a possibility, that he already has a deadline in his mind and he doesn't mind dating you whilst he's in Scotland anyway but that when it's time to leave for Denmark he will leave you and you will have lost a couple of fertile years when you could have met someone else. I don't think there is a way to find out if that is the case though as he would never admit to that because it would make him look like a cold hearted villain, so you just have to decide yourself if it's worth the gamble.

That's why you should be looking at 1 year rather than 2. So that if he says, "No, I want to be living in Denmark before we TTC", at that point you say you need to go your separate ways while you still have time to meet and have children with someone else.

@Mauro711 yep, I think a big part of this needs to be me deciding if I’m ok with that gamble or not.

I don’t actually believe he’ll leave the UK in the next few years with me or otherwise. His career is here.

I get that you don't believe he'll actually leave, but it is what he's saying...

I think you need to ask him outright:

If I say I'm not prepared to move to Denmark, ever, are you prepared to stay here and make your life in Scotland with me?

@JamaisDeuxSansTrois sorry I should clarify that its not don’t believe he won’t ever leave. maybe in 10 years. But not in the next few years. He’s just started building a serious career, he can’t do that in DK.

I did ask him to seriously consider living in Scotland with me as well. We plan to talk again in May. I need to think a lot more before then.

Whether he's happy to chuck away his impressive career depends on how strong the pull of home is. For some people the desire to move back home can be overwhelming.
My DH is European and has a good career here in the UK, earning over £100,000 and is highly respected in his field (academia). There's no way he could ever earn anything like this in his home country. However, he still applied for a job in his home country that paid about £40,000 and was a huge step backwards in terms of status and career development. He said he was just desperately homesick and there was more to life than money and work.

@SallyWD I agree. Basically he’s studied for years and now has a tenure track academic position.

I personally think it would be wild to give that up!

I agree with you there is more to
money and work. But he’s mostly chosen work so far. It is clear he is more homesick than he ever told me before.

Why don’t you both go back for a holiday if he’s that homesick right now?