He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

It’s obvious that op has real concerns about leaving, so if she could find a loving relationship that didn’t mean she had to leave everything she cherishes behind, then she is likely to feel much more secure, happy and comfortable long term than this awful decision always hanging between them.

I met a woman from a European country, who had a child with a British man in the UK. She really wanted to go home, but couldn't because he wouldn't give permission. He was with a new woman, had another baby and had no interest in this woman's baby. He even kicked her and the baby out of his flat.
He was just being spiteful, but he had that power over her.

@cheezuz he actually admits to preferring Scotland’s landscape overall. He even says he considers Scotland another home. So why not also consider living here?

I want both options on the table.

OP, only move if you yourself would like to live in Denmark, even without him. Because once you have kids, you will not be able to leave if you split up.

Also, I would consider what the situation where you would totally depend on him for everything - money, family, friends, etc. You will be completely isolated, and at him mercy, so to speak. I know you say he is great now, but thigs change and who knows how it would pan out in the future.

It also looks like he did not propose - I would not move unless you are his wife and have at least some rights.

Nope if the relationships ends you'll be stuck there. He will have his family support networks you will not. The cynical side of me is wondering if he knows it to which is why he's suggesting the move prior to children.

Never move with a partner somewhere you wouldn't be entirely happy being a single parent

It’s great too. My young adult DD was thinking of going there to work, she often travels there by herself. It’s only a 2 hr flight, and with the time change you only miss 1 hr.

I would rather have my children in Denmark than in the UK tbh. People are just so much more accomodating to kids in general and Danes are very easy going in general.
"Nordic children are out in nature for hours a day – and they top rankings in both education and happiness. "
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/feb/25/play-outside-and-sing-together-living-in-denmark-and-raising-viking-children

Yanbu to be torn about this.

The biggest problem with living overseas is that if the relationship breaks down, the kids are considered residents of that country so you can only bring them back to the UK if the other parent agrees. If they don’t then you need to live there until they are 18 or travel back and forth between Scotland and Denmark.

Yanbu to think about your parents and nor is he but spending more time in Denmark and seeing what life is like there is a good idea. For example if you currently live in a city but he dreams of country living then that’s the sort of thing that you need to find out. I’d imagine that a Danish winter is very different to a Scottish one so go at all kinds of seasons too.

Unfortunately, everything that you are worried about also apply to him staying in Scotland.

If you split after having children then he's stuck in Scotland or has to leave his children behind. If his parents need care then he's stuck in Scotland. If he misses his family and friends then he's stuck on Scotland.

So you can easily understand why he's telling you this now so that all cards are on the table.

I know quite a few scandi people who moved back home when children came on the horizon because they wanted to bring them up with the same advantages they had growing up.

It's difficult op. You both need to be brutally honest with each other and accept that a split might be the result.

I wouldn’t underestimate how difficult it is and also how lonely when you don’t speak the language. I have had experience of this. It can take years to feel comfortable and be fluent in a language.

@Stanwyck Your drive to have children here might be a bit misinformed. Where they are born doesn’t play too much of a role - it’s where they are habitually resident. So if you have them here but then go and live in Denmark for a while and they come habitually resident, you still won’t be able to bring them back here without permission, even if they were born here.

@Ecotype exactly. His brother’s wife still doesn’t speak much Danish and they speak in English. She’s been there for 7 years. And speaks to his parents in English.

Of course I would learn but the other thing is - do I actually want to spend the rest of my life primarily speaking Danish and not my own language? It’s a thought.

You haven't put it on your left ring finger either

It's a tough one OP, my DH is from a similar country, my ultimatum was i was staying here (also Scotland) and we committed to visits with his family...

When it was just us we would nip over for long weekends and a week here and there whenever we fancied, but dc coming along just changed all that and I hadn't imagined it before.

When they were young it was still doable but a lot more effort, more effort visiting and hosting.

My dc are older now and into their sports and friends, they enjoy a holiday but being away from their lives all the time just isn't what they want so it's dwindled to 1 trip a year.

So I know a lot of posters are saying it's easy to go back and fore etc but in our experience that doesn't continue when you add dc to the mix.

@ThisUniqueDreamer well, he didn’t state it was a proposal and ask me to marry him.

I think you should go to Denmark a few more times and think about it- having lived in Copenhagen for 20 months it’s a fabulous place with kids, great and cheap childcare, lots to do - interesting and varied schooling- lots to like- we used to come back to UK every 3 weeks for business reasons - I wouldn’t dismiss it if he’s a great chap- Danish guys too that I met tended to be very good all rounders with families- very involved.

I also think British children that live rurally and in the country have a great quality of life spending their childhoods outdoors. This is certainly not confined to Denmark.
They also do not have world class universities like the U.K., and many Danes come to London to work. You need to think long term not just the early years.

I admit the conversation took me by surprise as he had been talking about living here long term until a few weeks ago.

he has slowly become part of my family and recently stated he loves them and finds them so welcoming. He said his parents can be more distant/colder temperament. Who would you want to be the nearest grandparents to your kids? It’s definitely another thing I’m thinking.

I’m an only (surviving) child OP, now in my 50s, my kids are teens and my Mum is in her 80s. Having seen the joy my Mum has had from her grandchildren , and also how much she’s depended on me in recent years, it would have been incredibly cruel of me to have moved abroad. I couldn’t have done it.

I agree with this. I live in the same country as my parents and extended family but about2hrs away.doable in a day, easy for an overnight. But Unless my children keep missing their weekend activities we don’t visit more than once every couple of months.

i wouldn’t move abroad, if I hadn’t time again I wouldn’t have settled down where I am now because I miss being ‘pop in of an evening’ close to my family.
i can’t help out with them and they can’t help me.

don’t move OP I don’t think you’ll be happy long term.

Team Scotland here.

My opinion is no doubt biased because of my own circumstances.

You need to listen to your boyfriend. Really listen to what he's saying.

I moved to France, met someone and fell in love 30 years ago. I agreed to stay. I spoke the language fluently, had a job, did everything I could to make it my home.

Then we had kids and the reality of being so far from home and family, and awful homesickness, set in.

Then the relationship started to fall apart, and I was stuck.

I am still here, now divorced, kids are adults and I'm finally free to move back "home".

But I can't bring myself to do it because I can't bear the thought of not being there for my children the way I wasn't there for my parents, who did grow old and need my support before they died and I wasn't able to give it becausee I had two teenagers and a job and lived too far away.

So, I suppose I'm like your boyfriend in your scenario. Only I didn't realise until it was too late that I really shouldn't have stayed abroad, despite being in love.

He's telling you that he's not prepared to do what I did.

And I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my ex to leave his home and family to move to England with me. His life was in France. I knew that when I met him. And I respected that.

Your boyfriend knows that your life is in Scotland. He wants to go home. He's being honest at least.

If he's not prepared to stay in Scotland for you, a country he chose to come to, whose language he speaks fluently, and where he has a job, why should you move to his country?

So, he's being honest but, in my opinion, unfair.

And the cynic in me thinks he may well be pre-empting a possible future breakdown in the relationship with all that would mean for whoever is stuck in the country which is nit their home.

@SalfordQuays this is my concern.

how will I actually feel in 15-20 years about prioritising his parents over mine, about not being there for them when they need me?

If I prioritise my current family I may well have to leave the man I love and that thought also breaks my heart. They both feel heartbreaking.

@JamaisDeuxSansTrois thank you for sharing your story.

Yes that’s the dilemma I face it seems - committing to Scotland as my home or him as my partner.

it’s very hard. I agree he is just being honest, but also wish he would give Scotland more of a chance given he does, as you say, speak the language, have a job here etc.

No, it's not but it's not exactly pop round to your parents after work. See them at the weekend. See your extended family at the weekend. Have your kids growing up with the grandparents.