He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

I also suspect he’s viewing the move back home through rose tinted glasses.

He’s got a great career here in the UK and will soon have lived here for nearly a decade. I am not sure how he’s gone from staying in Scotland to saying he can’t possibly stay here so suddenly.

My friend moved to Denmark with her kids and her partner. The relationship broke down. She is back in the UK and the kids are in Denmark. It's heartbreaking.

.it sounds like you don’t want to move. It is ok to not want to move. It is ok to say him you don’t want to move and let him decide whether he wants you more than he wants Denmark. He can make a free choice and you would need to respect is he wants to move back.

as for children I know someone who is now permanently stuck in the US as she moved there to be with her husband. They divorced but clearly she cannot now move back with her children. She has a life there but she’d move back in a heartbeat if she could.

Obviously, I can’t tell you what you should do, but as a mother of adult kids, and the daughter of once ageing parents, I have some thoughts about that side of things:

Firstly, nothing my kids could do would make me think they’d prioritised other parents/grandparents over me; they certainly prioritise their spouses and their own children, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Secondly, your parents’ experience with their parents may not be replicated at all. My mother died unexpectedly before she was the age I am now (I’m 68) and my father died in his 80s after a short illness, and hadn’t needed any care or support at all prior to that.

Thirdly, the relationship your children have with their grandparents isn’t, as PP have said, based on proximity. My children were closer to the grandparents that lived far away than to my parents, who lived a mile away for a chunk of their childhood.

And finally, I’d be furious if I thought my children were making life decisions based on my (possible) future needs. I want them to make choices about what is best for them in the here and now, to be independent, and not to be tied to me even if I do end up with care needs. It’s even in my PoA.

I lived overseas for 3yrs and basically came home because I knew I never wanted to have DC in that country, so felt it was better to leave before I got into a long term relationship which made the decision more difficult. It's hard, OP and sounds like you are taking your time and thinking about all the options, which is great.

The point about the Hague convention has been well addressed above but I think also maybe look into the Danish healthcare system? I'm sure there was a thread on MN not too long ago from a lady having a baby in Copenhagen. It was a really interesting read - sounded quite different to here.

I'm 250miles from my parents and ever since I had my own DC, I've wished more than ever that we lived closer. I miss my DM so much. I think it would be even harder if I was a plane ride away and not just a train. As it is, as the DC have got older, we manage visits (them to us or us to them) only around every 6-8weeks, due to DC parties, hobbies, my parent's hobbies, time for DH and I to actually spend together. Yes we video call a couple of times a week but it's not the same. So don't underestimate how feelings might change once DC are in the picture.

Denmark is meant to be great for young families. Amazing maternity groups, childcare etc. people make fronds for life. If you are going to go, go at that stage. Maybe if you have a school-based job or a flexible or freelance role you could then have the freedom to travel home frequently. Some families do large stints in more than one country, so you could always come back in the future, but it wouldn’t be guaranteed, so you’d need to be comfortable with it being a permanent move.

Scenarios are that (i) he lied about wanting to stay in Scotland until you fell in love with him (crap), (ii) didn’t think it through and just said what would encourage you to date/stay with him (crap), or (iii) has changed his mind (fair enough).

my bet is (ii) based on the info in your posts.

It’s really sad breaking up with someone you love, but there can be good reasons to do so and love isn’t alone good reason to continue.

You have some time but not loads to decide, regarding your personal fertility.

If you split up soon the odds of meeting someone else you love are high.

Taking parents out of the equation, I wanted to share a bit more about me, as I think I’ve given enough identifying info anyway!

Aside from my full time job, I’m an author and a part time comedian. A lot, I know!

I love being part of the creative community and I’d certainly have to leave that behind.

Would I be able to replicate parts of this abroad? Maybe. I’d obviously have less time for hobbies once kids are here but I wouldn’t want to give it all up either.

I have successfully lived abroad twice and made homes there as I’m very social - one upside.

lastly, I actually did consider moving to Denmark years ago when single. So there is some interest there.

@Loopytiles are the chances I’ll meet someone else high though?

There are no guarantees I’ll meet someone else. He was the first person I truly loved 6 years after a break up and I dated a lot.

He feels like the one, my person - except this is a huge deal.

But the question is would he split with you in order to move to Denmark? It seems you are the one being emotionally blackmailed to go with him. He’s going to go regardless of you going with him or is you decide to stay would he decide to stay with you?

I am so sorry you have been, and continue to be in this position. It sounds really hard; and I hope you have found friends, your children and hobbies that make you happy.

Op, if you decide to move, you need to make sure of two things:

1. You would be happy to live in Denmark even if you split up with your partner and
2. You will be able to be financially independent and feel confident you will build a support network fairly quickly (tricky for some but I know of people who have this talent).

Ok, but why are you the one having to give up so much for him?

Why can't you go to Denmark often to see his family? Why can't they come and see you often? It works both ways.

Why can't you have kids in Scotland, get to know Denmark/learn Danish over the next 5-10 years or so, maybe do a stint over there for a couple of years, heck - even move there permanently once you've had time to form an opinion?

Honestly, I probably sound like an embittered old crone here, but I would not be moving.

It's an awful choice to have to make.

The embittered old crone also wonders whether the poem and ring are to sweeten his announcement.

He's put you in front of a fait accompli and has given you the awful task of breaking it off, because he doesn't have the heart to.

I'm not saying he doesn't love you or see you as 'the one'. But he is putting himself first.

I feel for you, I really do.

@CantStopMoving he hasn’t said the words but has strongly implied that he will move back in the next 10 years no matter what.

I don’t know how he’d actually feel if I say actually too much of my life is here and I can’t do that.

If you like your family and support network I’d honestly not move and then pretty much immediately have a baby. My support network were so important after the birth of my kids, I’d think really really carefully before doing that OP.

And for people saying Denmark isn’t far away, it might as well be on the moon if the OP quickly needs some childcare help and she doesn’t know anyone…

Why don’t you speak from your heart and see what he says. Some straight talking is required.

You have a wonderful life, and much to give up.

@JamaisDeuxSansTrois his main argument seems to be that he wants to raise kids in Denmark. He thinks it’s much better than UK.

Yes, of course odds are high you’d meet someone else good.

@ReignOfError I feel exactly like that too.

That is so effing toxic. Don't base your relationship on a lie and definitely don't have children with anyone who you can't/won't be honest with. It would be just as bad as having kids with someone who lied to you about something so important as where to live.

It's unfair to drag kids into a situation like this. They don't have a choice and deserve parents who don't resent each other.

I do have a good life here. That has taken time to build and it’s valuable. I might never recreate this abroad.

He is also a huge part of my happiness. I have never been with a man who feels like family. I adore him.

Maybe I can start writing down pros and cons and see the feelings that emerge. I also join the British in Denmark group.

This was my thinking op. I know a couple of women who are now stuck in a country they don't want to be in any longer because they can't take their kids home with them. I think I would want to have my kids in the UK and then move.

Lots of pros to living in Denmark and raising kids there. As a single mother to one child I would want ds to reach for the stars. I wouldn't want him to limit his opportunities for me and if it really came to it I might relocate to be closer to him if it was the right thing at the time for everyone involved.

He did also ask if I thought my family would ever consider moving to Denmark!

My mum definitely would but I think my dad is set on Scotland. They are both still young enough and healthy and about to be retired which is something in terms of being active grandparents either way.

@Stanwyck on that point I would agree with him having lived in both -however I do agree it’s not as simple as that given you may well be stuck there if it goes wrong and he doesn’t agree to any kids coming back with you- to be frank in your situation I would probably want to see how he was as a dad first- and then consider it with children in a few years. An awful lot of marriages break up with young children and I would actually feel more comfortable to move in your situation when beyond the baby stage - I think he needs to be aware and understand of why you are wary , especially because of Hague convention -

And what do you think?

I know nothing about Denmark. Maybe there are objective reasons like better childcare, education system.

But are these so dire in Scotland?

Can you not plan around them? Plan to move somewhere in your area with good schools? Find jobs where the employer pays towards private healthcare?

I think his reasons are probably mostly subjective: it's his home, where he would prefer to bring up his children.

And that's fine.

But they don't outweigh your own subjective reasons.