He wants to move back to his country - decision making.

[Stanwyck]

I’m in my early 30s and been talking about getting married/having kids etc. We live in the UK and he recently said he’s open to living here for the foreseeable. He is from Denmark originally.

But out of nowhere today he sat me down and said he’s been seriously thinking about it and he wants to return to Denmark within the next decade. He loves me but finds it hard to imagine long term in the UK.

In this country, I have my parents and other family, my best friends and my community. However I do love this man and he’s the only man I’ve wanted kids with. I see myself being with him in 20-30 years time.

Also during this conversation he gave me a beautiful ring and a handwritten poem but didn’t propose. So I view it as a promise ring but a bit strange.

The main issue for me is that I am an only child. When I think about leaving my ageing parents to go it alone, I find that hard. He has a brother who lives near his parents.

I could do with some advice on how to decide whether it is worthwhile/making a decision about the future.

@CantStopMoving i think depending on how the May chat goes, a summer trip to Denmark would be a good idea.

A holiday is a good idea.

Without wanting to be all doom and gloom, it's made me think of something else. You need to be aware that having families in two countries means that a good portion of your annual leave, as well as your holiday budget, will need to be spent on visiting the other country. Of course family can come to stay, and you can always send the children off for the school holidays when they are old enough if it works for your family.

If you have good salaries and generous leave ( academia) it won't be such an issue.

My kids were miffed at being dragged to the grandparents instead of going skiing like their friends. I know this is a first world problem, and a detail perhaps, but the choices you make now will have impacts you might not have considered.

If you're visiting Denmark with a view to seeing whether you'd like to live there, make sure you visit in the winter too!

I'm happily single but I would personally leave my country and my whole family for a Danish man 🫠

@FastFood it has its upsides! He is tall with blonde hair so looks a bit like an attractive Viking.

Very into cooking and housework and just assumes women are equal because why wouldn’t you

I feel like I also need to consider the importance of a life partner versus other things.

I never thought I’d meet someone I love so much. I’ve been lucky.

Ive also got a great life for myself here. Maybe just as valuable all put together.

You're absolutely right, @Stanwyck

All the negative things I and others have mentioned may never happen, you just need to be aware of what could happen so that you're not sleep-walking into a future nightmare.

I really do hope that you find a way forward as he sounds lovely and you are obviously very much in love.

If he's in academia, is there any way, with a bit more seniority, he could keep his job in Scotland but live in Denmark, or vice-versa?

Could you maybe work towards getting a fully remote job that you could take with you? With a Danish company?

If you both had jobs that would allow you to work in either country it could be do-able.

Spend the next five years getting to know his country and learning the language, and having babies in Scotland. Then move to Denmark (Copenhagen) and put your children in an international school?
If you could always keep the possibilty to live and work in both countries and spend enough time in each, it could work out nicely.

Several of us have said it's an either/or dilemma, but maybe you can find a way to make it work for both of you?

Difficult situation, my husband and I met outside of both our home countries, in a country neither of us intended to build a life in, so conversations about long term locations came up naturally early on and I made it clear that his home country & the country he'd been living in since he was 16 were not options for me.
I always knew I wanted to be in the UK long term as I'm close to my family.
He was happy with this as like your partner he'd been away from home for over 10 years so didn't have that level of closeness with his family.
It hasn't been easy though, he feels a little trapped being committed to one country, but he recognises that the stability is best for his career, our children, our wider relationships. We travel a lot to make up for that feeling.
Personally a big sticking point for me in your situation is that I think it would be really difficult to feel settled in a country where you don't speak the language, and learning isn't easy, especially finding time around work + even more so with kids. Sounds like you have a busy life already, it takes hours of weekly commitment to learn a language, you'd have to sacrifice other aspects of your life to make the time.
Would his family prioritise speaking in English to include you?
My husbands parents can't speak English well so I struggle to be involved when we visit.
I would not feel comfortable going through pregnancy and childbirth in a place I didn't speak the language fluently, even with my partner translating.
One of my favourite things about being close to my family is the amazing relationship they have developed with my child, we see them multiple times a month and they all adore her and she's so excited to see them. She doesn't have that level of connection with family that we see less frequently. It is a risk to not being close enough to visit regularly.
How do you know that your parents will really be comfortably accommodated for long periods of time in your partners family home? These seem like big promises to convince you to say yes but the reality could be quite different.
There's a lot to consider, spending more time Denmark to get a feel for it, asking him to help you learn some Danish, getting to the root of why now he feels so strongly about going back to Denmark. Trying to imagine your life if you only saw your family and friends a few times a year. It can put a lot of pressure on a relationship to have your partner become your main source of companionship.
There's no easy solution really, if you both feel strongly, but you need to try and resolve it or come up with a plan before children because that will just massively complicate things and make the emotional pulls on both sides stronger.

Oh stop now!

Holidaying in a place is vastly different to living there.
Without speaking the language it is harder to immerse.
Some cities have huge expatriate communities, others less so.

Also OP, having children in Scotland does not mean he might not up and leave for Denmark at a later date, men do that far more easily than a woman, leaving children behind.

I think marriage before children would be a good idea.

Lean into all of thos and what it really means.
Lean into your concerns.
You could bitterly regret it if you don't.

Marriage is not exactly a huge thing in Scandinavia anymore, just saying. It’s not that important, equality is there either way.

You mentioned the Hague convention as one of the reason for wanting your kids to be born in the UK...
I just wanted to say, even if they were born here, the you left for Denmark and they lived there for a few years/arw settled there, you still could not bring them back to the UK.
It's not about where kida were born, it's where they are settled, whetr their lives are built.
So thus might be an important point for you to think about...
ETA:I obviously mean by yourself, if you want to come back and DP doesn't, or if you separate/divorce.

Hi OP,

I feel for you, not least because this has clearly blindsided you. Did your OH acknowledge what a huge ask this was, coming so suddenly?

I was in kind of a similar situation, at around your age. But neither of us issued the other with ultimatums as such. I'll tell you the story, though it may not throw much light on your situation.

I had been with the love of my life for around a year. He was from overseas and had travelled and lived in several countries before coming to the UK where he had some family ties - and dual citizenship, and he was developing his career.

We planned to marry, and probably have kids, had discussed where in the UK we would like to settle, etc. An opportunity arose for him to go and work in his birth country for a year, and as I was freelance I was able to follow - earning potential for me there was not fantastic but I could do some very interesting work, and it was at the time a very cheap country to live, and we had free accommodation, so not a hard thing to do.

I had an amazing time there but had always been clear I would never emigrate, however shitty the UK might be - it was my home. And he had made it his.

HOWEVER as his stay went from a year to 18 months.. and I had to return to the UK ... it became clear that actually, he felt at home in his birth country in a way he never had in the UK. The difference being this was a slow dawning realisation. So gradually, we both saw that the relationship was going to end. Yes there were many tears and a bit of to-ing and fro-ing before the final break, but there was no feeling of anger or betrayal, because it was like the weather. It just was. He had never lied to me, he had been sincere in his intention to settle in the UK, until he found it wasn't his home after all.

I think I was about 33 when we finally split. I had another relationship quite quickly but probably a rebound...then fell in love with my DH in my late-mid thirties - and yes we were lucky and were able to have kids after a few years, ancient though I was by then!

That boyfriend went on to marry someone in his country, and they too had kids.

I sometimes look back and wonder how it would have been, with those cultural differences and geographical distances (not language difference in this case) and realise how much harder our lives could have been...

Now one of my children has a partner from another country, and though they are lovely and they are clearly really happy together, I have to admit I am worried that my child will end up in the same position one day.

To get back to your dilemma, I think pps who say he is hoping you will (or even asking you to) make a sacrifice he isn't willing or able to make himself, have the measure of the situation.

I think it is good that he has been honest with you, at least - I hope he has and that he spoke up as soon as he realsied how he was feeling. I think its a bit self-centred of him not to have prefaced his remarks with "I know this isn't something you are expecting to hear" - was he thinking aobut how you'd feel?

It is sort of acceptable for him to hope it would not be such a sacrifice for you, and you would be very open and happy with the idea of emigrating (though surely he must have been aware this was unlikely).

It is NOT fine for him to expect you will do so.

He has to accept that if he moves back to Denmark he will probably lose you. And he has to accept that the timelines mean he can't expect you to say oh yes lets stay together here for the next 10 years (or even just 5, or just 3) then move to Denmark and have kids. If he really can't grasp how that is a preposterous suggestion, he is not emotionally intelligent enough to be a parent or a husband IMO.

Well, if you move to Denmark, will he be able to support you, as you might struggle to continue your career living there, and having children, language barrier, no network - are you in the same field?

But you say you don't want to upset your new employees by getting pregnant. That is a thread all on its own! They'll be fine if you announced it today. There are many laws in place to look after you. This is a red herring and outdated belief.

I don't think I would like to be in another country, no money of my own, my kids at a school where I can't understand anyone no matter how I try. International school are very expensive. Does your boyfriend agree and earn enough to pay for this?

If this has only just come up, I would wager there is another reason he wants to live his adult life with kids in his home country.

How well do you know his family and friends?
When I was an expat, the women who had made places abroad their home were estranged already or mostly from connections back home.

I was a very unhappy expat for a number of years, in your situation and ending up having dc abroad. The crunch point is 3-6 months in, when you realise you aren't going home. This is your home.

All your friends are busy and have families, they won't be popping over! They wont have time to natter on whats app etc. Will you have a massive house For visitors? Who is cleaning it?

Your friends and families will continue to live, and build memories and lives without you. You will build and have yours in your new country.

You didn't learn Danish probably because your partner said no need. Only now there is, whether you live here or there as presume he will want to visit to show you and let you meet people who will be your new family and friends. Is he encouraging you and speaking Danish with you?

A PP raised the point of giving birth in a foreign country. That is an excellent point indeed. It is already a major life event and going through it without being in an environment in which you can communicate comfortably 100% is not something I would recommend. Even if the midwives have a decent level of English to speak with you, they will be saying things among themselves in their own language and that will make you feel alienated (without any ill intent on their part of course). I wouldn't do it.