Parents asking for money

[Throughitall]

I pay my parents mortgage as they got to mortgage renewal and couldn’t afford it due to being retired. I took the house over and pay interest only. They agreed to pay living expenses. My brothers chose not to get involved or suggested to spilt the interest but I take the mortgage out in my name but avoided that as it would get complicated. Now five years later parents want me to pay 100£ of their living expenses per month. I don’t have it. I suggested selling the house and they can have the equity in it which I got (to cover the mortgage interest). It won’t last long but not sure what to do. They just turned 70. I simply don’t have it. They haven’t asked my brothers who are extremely well off. One lives in Hong Kong. The first time my mother called and I said I was experiencing lots of costs due to a move and gap in jobs which has been somewhat stressful. Large costs happened close together eg laptop broke, pipe bursts, medical costs, roof costs. My DP pays my rent at the moment. I said I can’t help. 2 weeks later my father called asking again. In May they are going to Hong Kong then Singapore for 2 weeks to visit my bother and my nephews. Paid for by my brother. AIBU to think this is strange behaviour. My father said it’s been sleepless nights. I also said same my side. They said my job should pay enough. My house that I own is also rented out but the rent doesn’t cover the mortgage and expenses. They said I’m renting out my house now so should have funds. I was told to politely send a message to my mother again saying I can’t pay.

You can't be expected to pay your parents mortgage. They need to claim pension credit if they only have basic state pension to live off of.

Most parents wouldn’t dream of accepting help like this, even if it was offered. In my opinion they’re shameless.
Absolutely do not tie yourself in knots over this
They simply didn’t consider the implications of a mortgage at their age and see it as your responsibility to bankroll them.
I am furious on your behalf. I’m 60
Tell them once again, you cannot fund their living costs and shut down any further discussion
Direct them to CAB for budgeting advice but do not arrange or offer to help
You are so not being unreasonable

Your parents are shameless. Don't give a penny more. In fact, tell them you are struggling with your bills you have to reduce or stop paying their mortgage.

nope, not your responsibility to pay their bills. Sell the house, downsize. Don't live beyond their means.

Where would they live if they sold the house ?
funny how they are piling the pressure onto you but not your rich siblings. Do Not keep paying , the more you’re paying for them the more they expect.

Don't pay.
Take steps to sell their house and purchase a smaller place that they can maintain all on their own.

Could they sell their house and rent out the house that you own? That way you wouldn’t be paying mortgage interest on two properties? They could use the equity for rent and to live on, and claim housing benefit when their savings drop below a certain level (I think £16,009)?

Is there any reason that they feel you should owe them - they paid extra fees for some form of education compared to your brothers.
Do your brothers know?
Like others have said they need to sell and release equity to live on. You need to stop paying for them so that you can save for your ie. Retirement.

Are you in the UK? If their money is so low they should be able to claim benefits. It sounds like they need to downsize so you don’t have to pay the mortgage and extras each month which is unacceptable. I would have to sit down with them and explain the situation that you just can’t keep paying. They need to take responsibility for their own lives. They are your parents not your children!!!! Good luck!

They should count themselves lucky you pay the mortgage let alone asking for more which is completely inappropriate. Your brothers don't get a say because they're not supporting your parents like you are. Since they don't appreciate all you do for them when its a real struggle fot you I wouldn't be paying the mortgage anymore.

Sounds like a classic case of Disney child syndrome (like Disney dads on mumsnet)

They want you to cover their necessities despite the fact you are already stretched thin while holding their rich sons on a pedestal and accepting trips and gifts that aren't priority or necessities from the sons.

Stand your ground about them selling the house and downsizing and maybe let your brothers know what is going on and leave it to them to decide to help your parents or not. If your brothers want them to remain in the house they can chip in.

They sound like awful people. Dont give them any more money, they need to sell the house.

Who the hell voted YABU!??

OP, stop paying for their life!!!! They're taking advantage of you and as a parent myself, I'd never even dream of putting my child in this position! My oldest is 18 this year, so it's not like I've got toddlers that I can't envisage costs.

My.role is to enable my children to build the best lives that they can! Not to drain them and delay their growth.

I'm from a culture where our elders really are royalty, my own parents are aging as well as my in-laws and we will love, support and look after them until the end but NEVER to our own financial detriment and our parents would never even dream of it.

Please, create a strong boundary, stop making any payments for them and work on bettering your own life.

Is there a cultural element along with you being a daughter?

Hi, a few thoughts. This is shocking. Absolutely not normal. It is emotional and financial abuse. I’m hoping no other contributor to the thread makes an excuse about different cultures. This is the UK and in the UK women have rights.

1. You are not legally or financially obligated to care for your parents.
2. Re the property your parents live in: the mortgage is in your name and therefore any equity in the property belongs to you.
3. Your earnings belong to you and only you. No other person has the right to decide how you spend your earnings.
4. The property you own and rent out belongs to you and only you. No other person has the right to dictate how you spend or reinvest the income from said property.

You could potentially charge your parents rent and they could potentially claim benefits to cover it. They need to speak to someone at citizens advice bureau about a potential claim ideally using the words ‘We haven’t made any financial provision for our old age and are forcing our daughter to put her own financial wellbeing at risk to pay for our lifestyle’.

Are you paying into a pension? Do you have savings to cover any shortfall in rent should your tenants decide to not pay the rent? Are you making provision for old age? Do you have children and if so, are you able to save for their future university costs? Are you able to treat yourself every once in a while?

Do not hand over any more of your earnings.

Personally, I’d be looking to extricate myself from this arrangement by putting the house they live in on the market. Give them notice. Go see a financial advisor.

@Throughitall are you and your parents actually in the UK???? why have they not asked one of your siblings for financial help???

It’s daft that they were both already retired by 65 when they couldn’t afford to be, and that any of you thought this was a good idea in that situation to be honest. It was very selfish of them to allow you to do this, do not help them any further and do not feel guilty about it. They need to sell up by the sound of it and stand on their own feet

I’d write my brothers an email setting this all out and requesting a conversation about it.

At 70 your parents are reaching the age where care and illness conversations are around the corner, you might as well start scoping how you all want to deal with it together.

To be a doormat first you must lie down. You have to stand up for yourself.

Sell the house. They are taking the piss.

Do they only have state pension?

They are being very unfair. Have they got a budget - do they stick to it?

They need to either sell the house or go back to work. Retiring when you still have a mortgage that you can’t afford to pay without working is ridiculous. It’s disgusting that they are now chasing you for money. Have they no shame?!

Email your Brothers stating exactly what is going on & the pressure you are under. Do not help them. They are absolutely shameless flying to Hong Kong on holiday without even a penny to their name!!

Think it’s time they sell their house and rent or buy somewhere more appropriate.

So the mortgage is in your name? Or theirs? Who owns the house and how was that all sorted legally? If the mortgage is in your name then you need to get that house sold and get back whatever money you put in. If it isn’t in your name then stop paying. They are old enough to sort out their own messes. They can sell up.

You cannot have your bf pay your rent because you’re paying their mortgage and you can’t live properly. End it. It isn’t your job. If they’re not asking your siblings then they can’t ask you. If your siblings won’t help then why are you helping? Just stop paying it. You won’t be the bad guy.

Do they claim pension credits? If they are on a low income they may be entitled to this. Can you sit down with them and look at their income and outgoings to help them budget? They shouldn't be relying on you to top up their income.