Parents asking for money

[Throughitall]

I pay my parents mortgage as they got to mortgage renewal and couldn’t afford it due to being retired. I took the house over and pay interest only. They agreed to pay living expenses. My brothers chose not to get involved or suggested to spilt the interest but I take the mortgage out in my name but avoided that as it would get complicated. Now five years later parents want me to pay 100£ of their living expenses per month. I don’t have it. I suggested selling the house and they can have the equity in it which I got (to cover the mortgage interest). It won’t last long but not sure what to do. They just turned 70. I simply don’t have it. They haven’t asked my brothers who are extremely well off. One lives in Hong Kong. The first time my mother called and I said I was experiencing lots of costs due to a move and gap in jobs which has been somewhat stressful. Large costs happened close together eg laptop broke, pipe bursts, medical costs, roof costs. My DP pays my rent at the moment. I said I can’t help. 2 weeks later my father called asking again. In May they are going to Hong Kong then Singapore for 2 weeks to visit my bother and my nephews. Paid for by my brother. AIBU to think this is strange behaviour. My father said it’s been sleepless nights. I also said same my side. They said my job should pay enough. My house that I own is also rented out but the rent doesn’t cover the mortgage and expenses. They said I’m renting out my house now so should have funds. I was told to politely send a message to my mother again saying I can’t pay.

I am at a loss as to how this situation ever arose tbh

I am fully aware of how interest only mortgages work thank you.
However, you don’t renew. You can remortgage if you need to raise funds, or sell or use an endowment policy, although the later are not advised now as so many fall well short of the original loan.

if it’s culturally normal for you to pay for your parents that makes a difference.

Yes, I asked the OP something about this a while back as I think it's a key piece of information. If your culture strongly dictates that you look after your parents in their older age/retirement and especially if certain expectations fall on the daughters rather than the sons in a family then you can understand more how this situation came about. It's still not great but there will be pressure to conform to that tradition and the parents may not feel they are being greedy or unreasonable.

So OP used the word renew instead of remortgage. People can be forgiven for not getting the terms exactly right.

HB wont usually pay if the property is owned by a relative its considered a non commercial arrangement

Yep that’s probably what they did. But given the I/o mortgages are less per month than a repayment one, it makes even less sense they asked OP to pay it. I mean it’s less than a normal mortgage, less than renting, either they were spending money elsewhere (and lying about it) or living horrifically beyond their means and expecting their daughter to pick up the tab. Horrible people.

In any case, cut them off and kick them out.

They can get a delivery driver kit to top up their income or get a lodger. There are a tonne of ways to get £100 extra a month. Seems like they need to do some financial planning and stop trying to live a champagne life style on a lemonade budget.

I cannot believe this. I am a little younger than your parents and we probably gve our children upwards of £10K between them each year for various things. We helped them all with house purchases.
They should not be financially dependent on you .....

How much have you spent over the years? Tell them you can't afford to pay anymore and the house is getting sold. If your brothers don't like it then they can take over the payments. They don't appreciate you, stop being a mug or this will go on for many more years.

Not everyone can afford to do that. My eldest two dc both paid for their own weddings, saved their own house deposits, bought their own cars etc. Yes, I'd love to be able to support them a little bit financially but I still need to support my youngest at school and to a much lesser extent my other one at university.

This is crazy , absolutely not. You already pay their housing costs. Just stand firm.

Or tell them to manage their own living expenses. They are adults they should be self sufficient.

ITA with a pp, that OP comes from a Chinese family, where it’s a very strong cultural expectation that adult children will support their elderly parents, in a society which traditionally had no welfare state, as a safety net? However afaik, the expectations do not fall mainly on daughters - it falls just as much, if not more on sons. Hence the massive gender imbalance in China today, due to the One Child Policy and parents’ preference for a son to carry on the family farm/business, to keep them in old age?

I doubt pp’s advice to OP to cut her parents adrift financially, are sufficient to overcome centuries of cultural expectations? She would feel like a Bad Daughter?

She can either feel like a bad daughter (and spend her money getting some therapy to overcome that, since it's an irrational feeling and she's not bad at all) or she can be a financially destitute daughter, which is also likely to make her feel bad. I know which I'd pick 🤷.

I just don't buy all this "culture" bullshit. If another culture is so fantastic then why are these people in Britain, living and working here amongst people who don't share that culture and in a financial climate that doesn't accommodate it?

If the OP is in Britain then all that really matters is British law. She doesn't legally have to support her parents and that's that.

If she comes onto a British forum to ask advice of British people, she's not going to get answers that encourages her to bend over backwards to arsehole relatives because "culture", she's going to get advice that's in line with British culture.

Whilst Britain is tolerant of other cultures, it isn't set up to cater to those cultures and someone who is trying to follow another culture too strictly will find themselves in the sort of difficulties OP has found herself in.

OP needs her own wages to pay for her own life, she also needs the tenant removed from the property she owns so she can live in it herself. That's the way the British live and even then many people struggle to make ends meet. Our country is not set up for a single person to financially bankroll other adult relatives, it isn't doable here unless you're a millionaire or something.

If the OP lives here, she's going to have to start accepting British culture into her life more in order to make her life work out ok for her. Otherwise she's going to be miserable and broke, completely unnecessarily, forever.

Our country is not set up for a single person to financially bankroll other adult relatives, it isn't doable here unless you're a millionaire or something.

@Garliccheeseandabagel Nonsense! Many people come here, with the intention of supporting relatives back home! One member of our family was one of nine grown up children - they came here as an adult and married into my family. One has died. One has mental health problems. The surviving seven adult siblings pay the rent on a flat for them. Ditto, when their DM was dying, they moved her from her home, the other side of the country to a flat close to most of them. They paid her rent and took it in turns to look after her every day. Obviously the grown up DC here flew over in school holidays to look after her for a week at a time.

Ditto, another relative from a different country is marrying into our family. Their parents supported their own elderly parents overseas!

It’s doable, when the cost of living in their home country is cheaper than here! Or, the parents make sacrifices to send their children here to qualify as professionals in the expectation, their children once qualified will support them back home!

WTF are you talking about blue and white? Nobody is talking about your family. This is OPs thread.

These parents aren't "back home". OP hasn't said that and it would be very important information to have left out. This being a UK forum, people are assumed to be in UK unless specified otherwise.

OP is paying two lots of UK mortgage, her boyfriend is paying her rent in a third property because she can't afford to pay it, and she's recieving rent for one property which doesn't cover her mortgage payment on that property.

Unless rich, which OP obviously isn't, nobody can afford that expense when single. She needs to be paying one mortgage only and living in the property she's paying it on. OPs current set up is unsustainable financially.

IDGAF what your family are doing, it's got nothing to do with OP or the ordinary lives of average earners in UK.

The kids never asked to be born and shouldn't be taken advantage of this way. I fully expect to be helping mine with getting education, cars, houses, wedding - not them helping me with these things. I'll want them to earn, but with this economic climate of course a boost will be needed. I find it vampiric that older generation who lived through much more economically favourable times are begging from their kids - it's gross! My MIL milked her parents as well as her kids - all while treating herself to an early and luxurious retirement. I doubt she will pass a penny down to my husband - she only thinks of herself.

1000% agree - there are actually many YouTube videos of people (US and UK based) talking about why they have stopped sending money to relatives. Often times it's because these entitled relative(s) are living a more comfortable lifestyle and aren't taking steps to empower themselves financial to make their own money so it's really just a one-way arrangement that's neverending

I am talking about average earners in the UK actually - in fact, one is on the NMW!

OP needs to sort her finances out, by having a conversation with her parents; but I don’t think British posters should apply their thinking on others, without recognising the bigger picture for OP.

Have you lived among the Chinese community in the UK, because I have? If you haven’t, don’t lecture me! Don’t you recognise where my user name comes from - a song by a Taiwanese pop star, singing in Mandarin?

@BlueandWhitePorcelain obviously the OP's position is untenable and she is overstretched. The parents are not asking for a huge amount if the OP was not in such a difficult position. They need to ask their ds for help if they truly can't manage. In any culture it would be unfair to put the burden on one child if there are others to share it.
My sil's dm is Chinese and there are obvious cultural differences. His dm is very wealthy and monies flow from parent to child (she has 3) but there are definite expectations.

Based on what you said, I think they HAVE asked your brothers. You said they refused to get involved with the mortgage situation and that one of your brothers is paying for their vacation. I bet they asked your brother and were either told no OR they actually are getting money from them and your parents aren't telling you.

They're 70, their financial situation isn't going to improve. Contact your brothers and the three of you decide how you're going to handle this. Are you all going to split the bills, take over their finances, have them move in with one of you, have them move to a nursing home, etc.? You're saying you can't afford to fund their current lifestyle, which is fine, so either their lifestyle changes or the three of you have to figure out an alternate way of funding them. If they don't like it then let them sort it out on their own without your money.

Wrong thread.

Even if you had the money. You aren't obliged to spend it on them. No is a full sentence

This is a them problem. You already do enough

Your parents can't afford their mortgage and now they need £100 from you for living expenses, therefore they can't afford to go to Hong Kong and Singapore for 2 weeks even if your brother is paying for the tickets- travelling and being on holiday costs money.
Don't make excuses or tell them about your expenses- just say you cannot afford to subsidises them by £100 per month and that you can no longer afford to pay their mortgage, so they will have to remortgage and/or use equity release.
There is no reason why you should pay for your parents lifestyle, stop making excuses and just put your foot down. They couldn't afford to retire, therefore they shouldn't have retired- they have to fund it in a different way.