Parents asking for money

[Throughitall]

I pay my parents mortgage as they got to mortgage renewal and couldn’t afford it due to being retired. I took the house over and pay interest only. They agreed to pay living expenses. My brothers chose not to get involved or suggested to spilt the interest but I take the mortgage out in my name but avoided that as it would get complicated. Now five years later parents want me to pay 100£ of their living expenses per month. I don’t have it. I suggested selling the house and they can have the equity in it which I got (to cover the mortgage interest). It won’t last long but not sure what to do. They just turned 70. I simply don’t have it. They haven’t asked my brothers who are extremely well off. One lives in Hong Kong. The first time my mother called and I said I was experiencing lots of costs due to a move and gap in jobs which has been somewhat stressful. Large costs happened close together eg laptop broke, pipe bursts, medical costs, roof costs. My DP pays my rent at the moment. I said I can’t help. 2 weeks later my father called asking again. In May they are going to Hong Kong then Singapore for 2 weeks to visit my bother and my nephews. Paid for by my brother. AIBU to think this is strange behaviour. My father said it’s been sleepless nights. I also said same my side. They said my job should pay enough. My house that I own is also rented out but the rent doesn’t cover the mortgage and expenses. They said I’m renting out my house now so should have funds. I was told to politely send a message to my mother again saying I can’t pay.

This is honestly shocking! Tell them to get a bloody job. I’m sorry they’re putting you in this situation

This is really good advice.

If they have signed over the house to op though and thus deprived themselves of that equity they aren't going to qualify for any means tested benefits. The government do not like you giving away assets and then trying to claim means tested benefit to pay your rent. One elderley person on our phone line last week was in a right state because the DWP were demanding to see bank statements etc after she gave all the equity form her house sale to support her son's business and then claimed housing benefit and pension credit ! It had never crossed her mind that there was anything wrong with this !

I started working at 16 and paid my way and supported parents throughout the years (getting out loans, monthly contribution, paying for phones, also have my student loans to them

I don't understand why you you would do all this unless you are much wealthier than them. How old are you now and is this the first time you've pushed back? Why do your parents expect you to support them?

Why can't they pay their own living costs out of their pensions? Even if they only have the state pension it's nearly £2k pm between them.

Op has said one of their state pension is possibly lower than full state pension , which for someone who is only just 70 indicates they likely haven't even worked much.

Your parents can in theory qualify for benefits IF they are paying the market rent for the property. However this is rightly looked on with suspicion so it makes claiming a lot more difficult.

Did your parents have equity in the property when it was transferred to you? If so they - and you - would have been better off selling up and renting. You can still do this - sell the property, give them a fair share of the equity and either they buy say, a retirement flat, or they rent somewhere. If the equity is not great they may still qualify for some support.

I assume your siblings think you got the house, therefore you repay that by paying to support your parents. If there was very little equity in the house you need to show them that.

I wouldn’t expect your bothers to step in to support them because you have chosen to. None of you are obliged to fund them.

OP, where's the guarantee that they won't just keep asking for more and more money to 'top up expenses'? It might be £100 now, but if you pay up then they will simply spend even more next month in the knowledge that you will keep paying. As they don't seem to have even the simplest concept of budgeting (otherwise they would still be working, 70 isn't ridiculous age to still have a job and if they've still got a mortgage then having a job at 70 is essential), then I don't see them stopping at asking for a little bit here and there. Where's the guarantee they won't just fritter the money away and spend spend spend?

Op is paying the mortgage on HER property which she owns and where her parents live.
Everyone seems to be missing this important point!
OP- how long have your parents lived in this house, when did they originally buy it and what's its current worth?

If you are paying the mortgage it should be in your name and if it's interest only you need a plan for repaying the capital at the end of the mortgage. Your parens are CF for asking for any of this. They are only 70, get a part-time job or downsize, or ask your rich brothers for help. You have done quite enough.

Surely, you need to say to brothers, that they the parents are begging. You have stretched yourself as far, (or too far) as you can go & if it currently wasn't for your bf you would have to sell.
that the parents say they need money, so rather than pay flights & holidays, what (they say) they need is a monthly £100, (which between brothers is nothing. )
meanwhile how are the parents living ? Are they shopping in M&S, are they in the pub, are they basically trying to economise? Because you need to get severe, tell them you dont have the money Clearly, that you may already have to sell, So they need to go begging elsewhere.

This is a standoff.
OP, the thing to keep in mind is that they have no leverage at all here and you can easily win just by sticking to 'not happening I can't afford it'.

@Throughitall I don't post much anymore but I thought I should.

Put the house on sale, pay off the mortgage and, let your 70s old parents present themselves as homeless to the nearest council. They will be given a free flat and full benefits due to age.

This is financial abuse by your whole family.

@Throughitall, they are pressuring you and not your brothers because you are female and this (in their minds) puts you in the category of:
'weak person who ought to be easy to manipulate /subordinate who ought to defer to them'.
Your brothers, being men, are in the category of:
'strong people who can & will push back / persons of higher status who cannot be expected to defer to them'.

OP they ask you because generally you give them the money.
Any time going forward “Tell DB to give you the money rather than air fare” or just plain “No, I have no more money and won’t be discussing this any more.” Hang up on them if you need to. They are blood suckers who will take your last penny oh and your BF as he is basically subsidising you so you can pay for them.

So you gave your parents your student loans? I presume that you are also having to pay these back? The difference in treatment between you and your brothers is stark in its total unfairness.

Do not give them another penny. Let your brothers give them money if they want, but don't let them bully you into contributing. You have helped them enough to your own detriment.

If you know your brothers are well off do not let your parents pull at your heartstrings.

I let that happen to me, got myself into debt trying to keep up with helping - only to find out my DB earns twice my wage (literally) in a much cheaper country and he doesn’t even have any children (I’m a single parent). I cut off relations and now feel like an absolute mug paying off my credit that should never have existed in the first place.

I wonder whether they’ve got it in their heads that it would be far more convenient for them if you were to give up your life, move back in with them and just hand over your salary each month. You’d be there to care for them in their old age as well. How perfect that would be for everyone but you. I think, irrespective of cultural expectations, you need to draw some very firm boundaries here, before they guilt trip you into giving up everything you have for them. God willing, they could go on for another 30 years. Are you supposed to have any semblance of a life at any point? Or just work yourself into an early grave trying not to bankrupt yourself?

I think I would send exactly the same message to both your parents and your two brothers. Something along the lines of; Dear family, you all seem to be under the impression that my job pays more than it does and that I have the money to be the sole provider for our parents since their retirement. I do not know where you have got this idea from, but you are very mistaken. I am stretched to my very limits financially and I only have a roof over my head because of the kindness of others. I am steadily getting deeper in debt with each mortgage payment. This situation is not sustainable and cannot continue, or I will be bankrupt and homeless within 12 months. The suggestion that I now also take on our parents living expenses is fantasy. I cannot magically up money I do not have. Brothers, you are equally as responsible for our parents as I am. It’s lovely that you’re paying for their holiday but this is not enough. If you are unwilling or unable to take equal responsibility for our parents expenses then, parents; you will need to accept that it is past time to downsize your accommodation and adjust your budget. Please discuss between you and let me know what plans you intend to put into place and I will respond accordingly. I love you all and I sincerely hope that you all think enough of me to take some of the weight off my shoulders’

I think the hardest part of this is going to be convincing yourself that you are allowed to say no to your parents.

Tell them to sell their house and downsize. They are living beyond their means. It’s not your fault nor is it your problem to fix. Your parents are CFs. How old were they when they retired? 55? 60? You’re expected to work until you’re 68. If they don’t want to sell their home they can get a job!

YABU for agreeing to any of this in the first place when you couldn’t afford it. Your parents are taking the p*ss.

On reading your update your parents are taking the absolute piss! They say the costs of living has gone up but so have they for you. FFS
I would tell them the gravy train has now terminated and sell your house, or rent it to someone else if you wish.

From what I can understand the OP has been given her parents house in return for taking a mortgage on it and paying it back. She has said the equity ratio is around 50:50.

So the OP may have been given a 200K house in return for taking a 100K mortgage or potentially a 500K house in return for taking a 250K mortgage - we don't know.

While this is stretching the OPs finances and affecting her own ability to upsize and pay her own mortgage or rent, her parents/brothers are also probably disgruntled at the situation and feeling that OP has taken her parents equity so should be the one taking any further hits. The OPs parents probably can't afford the bills of a larger property despite not paying the mortgage. There are no winners at the moment as every party (the OP, her parents and her brothers) feel at risk of being worse off/ripped off due to the situation.

If possible OP I would persuade your parents that the current situation is working for no-one. You/they should sell up, return them their equity (ideally less the amount it has cost you to pay the mortgage) and they should downsize. This will be easier if their house is more valuable and they can buy somewhere with the 50% equity but otherwise they might have to look at renting or shared ownership/ over 55s rental etc.

If the house has risen in value between when you took it on and when you sell it then there could be capital gains tax to pay (assuming that you don't live in the property) so this needs to be factored into the finances also, as well as estate agent and solicitor fees.

I would be wary of them giving away their equity and then expecting you to keep paying for their home/rent so if the sale allows a new smaller property to be bought outright then that is for the best to ensure their security without you having to pay their rent/mortgage. In a smaller property they should have a better chance of affording their bills.

Yes there is high expectation and assumption children will pay in old age for them.

Why's that? Are you referring to some cultural tradition? Why are your brothers so free of obligation yet you're bailing your parents out and shoring them up financially all the time? They sound ridiculous, can't afford living expenses but will accept a pricey trip to HK being given to them.

Freeloaders gonna freeload!

OP, the only person you're responsible for is you. The best thing for you is to sever financial ties with any of your family members, because they're being unfair to you. This is what I believe you should do. It is totally legal to sever financial ties with your family. Their opinion doesn't come into it. It is your life and your money, you decide how to spend it.

This is what I recommend.

First. Sell the house you 50% co-own with your parents. It doesn't matter that they don't want to sell. You can force them to by taking them to court if necessary. Do it. If there is any equity, 50% of it is yours and 50% of it is your parents. This is your legal right, you'll have a solicitor involved with the house sale who will guide you through all your legal rights and responsibilities. Those are all that matters, not your parents or your brother's opinions.

Do everything legally. If another family member says they'll buy your share make sure it's done legally and in a timely manner, not by an informal arrangement. Trust nobody, none of your family will want you who is their cash-cow severing financial ties with them and they'll try all manner of nastiness to stop you doing so. Stick to selling, because it's what's right for you. If they hate you for it, so be it. Understand this - they already hate you, it won't make any difference, they're only being nice to you because you're paying for stuff. If they liked you and respected you, they wouldn't treat you this way in the first place. They can't claim to care about you whilst simultaneously putting you into a poverty state with their own actions by taking money from you.

Second. Let your parents sort out their own living arrangements for when the house is sold. Don't get involved with it, they have brains and can use them, they also have sons they can ask to help make phone calls etc if necessary.

Your parents have options:
They can apply to the council saying they're homeless and accept any help offered, if the council says they qualify for help.
They can contact Age UK and Citizens Advice Bureau for help with organising their finances, including help reducing debts, learning how to budget and claiming any benefits they're entitled to.
They can go live with your brothers or ask your brothers to pay for their housing and living expenses.
They can take their 50% of the equity and use it to buy a smaller home, if it's enough money.
They can take their 50% of the equity and use it to pay for a private rental.
They can return to work so they can afford their chosen lifestyle in a home of their chosen standard and size.

All these things are options for them to sort out their lives out. Which one they pick isn't your problem. If they don't like any of the options that isn't your problem either. If your brothers are unhappy about any of it, that's also not your problem.

Third. Arrange to evict whoever is living in the other property you own where their rental payment isn't even covering the mortgage (unless I'm getting confused and there isn't another property?). Use whatever legal means is necessary to evict them. Consult a specialist solicitor about this. Do not worry if this is also a family member living there. You can't afford your own life, so you certainly can't afford to be subsidizing someone else's.

This person will also have numerous options open to them for housing themselves and they can go to Citizens Advice Bureau to talk about it.

Once empty, decide whether you want to sell this property or live in it yourself. What is utterly ridiculous is your boyfriend paying your rent because you can't afford to when you own a house of your own. Either go live in it or sell it and buy something suitable for you to live in. If for some reason you prefer renting then sell it and use the money from the sale to pay your own rent.

You are currently using your boyfriend as a cash-cow and it's completely unnecessary. You have options that don't involve taking from him. You're only poor because you're allowing your family to take from you. I'd be angry with you if I was him. If you continue using him as a cash-cow you could destroy your relationship with him, just as your family have destroyed their relationship with you.

That all sounds very strange.
Do your parents have pensions? Presumably they at least will have the state pension if not also a private pension. I can't imagine why they would need you to give them £100 a month especially now you have paid off their mortgage.
If they are so impoverished they shouldn't be going on holiday to Hong Kong even if your brother is paying the fare there must be additional costs.