Parents asking for money

[Throughitall]

I pay my parents mortgage as they got to mortgage renewal and couldn’t afford it due to being retired. I took the house over and pay interest only. They agreed to pay living expenses. My brothers chose not to get involved or suggested to spilt the interest but I take the mortgage out in my name but avoided that as it would get complicated. Now five years later parents want me to pay 100£ of their living expenses per month. I don’t have it. I suggested selling the house and they can have the equity in it which I got (to cover the mortgage interest). It won’t last long but not sure what to do. They just turned 70. I simply don’t have it. They haven’t asked my brothers who are extremely well off. One lives in Hong Kong. The first time my mother called and I said I was experiencing lots of costs due to a move and gap in jobs which has been somewhat stressful. Large costs happened close together eg laptop broke, pipe bursts, medical costs, roof costs. My DP pays my rent at the moment. I said I can’t help. 2 weeks later my father called asking again. In May they are going to Hong Kong then Singapore for 2 weeks to visit my bother and my nephews. Paid for by my brother. AIBU to think this is strange behaviour. My father said it’s been sleepless nights. I also said same my side. They said my job should pay enough. My house that I own is also rented out but the rent doesn’t cover the mortgage and expenses. They said I’m renting out my house now so should have funds. I was told to politely send a message to my mother again saying I can’t pay.

This is absolutely shocking - you already pay their mortgage and now they're asking for you to pay towards their living expenses too. What on earth are they spending their money on? Are you all in the UK? They really should be able to manage their bills and food though if they have zero living expenses. It's outrageous that they're putting this pressure on you when you're already helping them to such a huge extent.

Do you and your parents both live in the uk? Is the mortgage in your name or in theirs? Cant give good advice without that information.

However if you all live in the uk then you need to make sure they are claiming any benefits they may be entitled to.

If they need financial assistance then their other children need to step up too.

Stop paying the mortgage. Your DBs only want the show off bits whilst you pay the basics which at the moment you cannot afford. You've more than done your share.

You need to focus on your life and finances. You are being treated as less than by your DPs. And tell them you are not interested in hearing about their holiday.

Doesn't sound like they are financially savvy and are relying on you to provide support.

You know this set up isn't working.

Sounds like the house is in your name (as you 'took the house over') if so, this means it's yours. Do your brothers know this? It maybe why they have stepped back - as you have a significant family asset and they don't. It may also be why your parents expect you to pay more?

It's a bit messy.

You need work through this and then sit down with the rest of the family.

Not sure what the answer / outcome will be- seek out an IFA.

Have a meeting (virtual or in person) with your siblings and get them all implicated. They're their parents too. You can't be shouldering all your parents expenses by yourself.
And your parents shouldn't be asking of you anyway.
If siblings don't want to help, then I would take away all the help you're already giving to your parents and let them sort themselves out. They can sell the house and get something smaller with a smaller mortgage they can afford to pay. ...
I understand your feelings of wanting to be a dutiful child to your parents, but please don't go yourself into debt to help them.

First off are they in the UK?

secondly - is the house now in your name - ? and does it have equity- ? Originally I would have said do some equity release to pay yourself back and give them an ongoing income- but you won’t be able to do that if it’s in your name

if you can’t afford to pay this it needs to be sold and they either buy somewhere else- be it a park home or whatever if there’s some equity or they rent somewhere- if they have no/low savings they will be able to claim a rent allowance ( or part of it depending on income if only on state pensions) although getting them somewhere to rent may be more challenging- look at over55 developments that rent - they are used to pension income only- places like housing21 or Anchor or my future living are good places to start

it needs looking at if your brothers aren’t prepared to step up-I find their behaviour ridiculously cheeky - are they poor generally with money management or is it genuinely that there is an underlying issue- one of them or both not getting full state pension etc?

They need to sell and use the money to sort out their finances. I only hope there is equity, were they paying an interest only mortgage as well? Because if they were then much of the equity will be lost by paying back the capital of the loan.

You also appear to be paying out for two mortgages, neither of which are benefitting you in the long term and are reliant on your partner to pay the rent on a third property. I think you need to get some professional financial advice, you are setting yourself up for additional tax liabilities, plus not being able to remortgage at a favourable rate if you need to.

There are lots of cultures where being supported by children is considered normal and whilst not ideal, often parents have sacrificed a lot (inc saving and pensions) in order to give their children as much of a boost as possible. However, that does not entitle them to single out one child to pressure, nor to ask you when you don't have a lot. Is there any way you can have a call with your siblings and try and address it as a group? No one wants to see you parents suffer, but you matter equally to them and should address it as a group, even if it's uncomfortable to them.

This. They may be unaware that you're shouldering the burden of your parents when you aren't in the financial position to do so. It's no excuse, but may assume that you're willing and able to step up. You need to make clear that you're not and it's their turn to pay. Otherwise, you'll need to cut off financial support and look at selling their house to sure up your own finances.

They tell you that 'your job should pay enough' but you could equally turn round and tell them that their pensions should pay enough - they have no housing costs, they will be entitled to top ups if they don't get the full state pension, so a decent base income.

Your parents are behaving very strangely & with such entitlement.

The situation sounds very complicated but basically, you should stick to your guns that you can't afford it and won't be doing it. They can ask your brothers instead who equally should not feel they HAVE to financially support your parents but maybe they will want to and be able to afford it more easily than you.

Honestly, your parents are acting like a couple of children taking no personal responsibility for their finances.

Have they even told your brothers about the situation? Could they feel bad/Shame about letting their sins know?

I would simply contact the brothers myself and tell them they need to contribute or you will have to stop paying the mortgage as well.

It's appalling that you are paying anything for them when you yourself are in a worse financial situation then them (renting). If the mortgage is interest only then you are only delaying the inevitable anyway, no value is being added to the property, they might as well sell and move to a rented retirement property.

I think you need to get out of paying for the mortgage. I hope you haven't put yourself at financial risk by going on their. If you stop will it effect your credit or are you just finding it??

It's ok to say no. Your parents are asking too much of you. Tell your brothers.

It's such an odd family dynamic, why do you feel it's your responsibility alone to sort them out. If you stop will they let themselves go into debt or will the concede and contact your brothers. Let them fail!

This question always makes me chuckle. It’s mumsnet’s new favourite euphemistic way of saying “you’re not English, are you?” 😂

Tell them to sell.
Last resort get an equity release mortgage instead.

You won't need to pay their mortgage anymore and neither will they!

What are they spending their pensions on ? They have no housing costs as you are paying that. Two basic state pensions ( assuming they are in the UK ? ) are almost 2k a month so what on earth are they doing that they cannot affords their living expenses?

This is absolute madness. They need to sell the house they can’t afford and downsize or rent or go into HA

Tbh it’s often true

If the OP has been assigned ownership of the house in exchange for paying the remainder of an interest only mortgage, then it could be a very good deal for them indeed, dependent on the value of the house and the outstanding capital to be repaid. This could be factoring in.

I envisage you as a kind, loving and very meek person who strains every sinew to her own detriment to be a dutiful daughter despite there being two brothers to share the burden.

Enough!! I think it is time to script yourself an Oscar-winning temper tantrum the very next time there is a mention of any money from you and on every occasion thereafter.

It will go against the grain to shout and rage at them (and maybe swear)and abruptly hang up. No matter. Being relentlessly kind and reasonable won't get you anywhere so it is worth trying Shock and Awe tactics!

They do not see you as a valid adult in your own right but an ATM to be used and abused. How bloody dare they!! I suggest you role play possible phone calls with your partner or a friend to acclimatise you to this dramatic change of persona. Remember really loving parents do not try to exploit their children or have obvious favourites.

Also, if you have keys to the house I would arrange to go there while they are in Singapore and arrange estate agents to give you sale values. I would also clarify with a solicitor exactly how the current ownership is set up so that all my ducks were in a row for firm action to sell in the near future. The only person who can stand up for you is you! Good luck! It will be tough but you have to save your own life first before helping others.

I feel sorry for them getting to that age and struggling for £100. That said you shouldn’t have to struggle either. Can’t you ask your brothers for them? If they don’t want to accept it from their sons maybe they could send it via you?

You should be paying neither their mortgage nor any living expenses.
These are their own responsibility and they must shoulder this.
Offer to help them negotiate the benefits minefield with help from Age UK who are great in these situations.
The benefits system exists for just this situation and they must use it.
I have adult DC and would not dream of loading this on them.
You must be firm.

Definitely a euphemism. However I think it is an important question though. I come from.a culture where this is absolutely expected to look after your parents once you start working. English culture in general has fewer expectations of this. Therefore advice being given will absolutely depend on what culture the person is from.

Nope. Group message to all the family: mum and dad have asked for £100 a month for living costs. I don’t have it. I can barely pay their mortgage, I have done all I can financially, and I’m the only one who has. This is over to the rest of you. Mum, dad, don’t contact me again about this. I don’t have it. You have other children - talk to them.

Actually, I’d add at the end you could sell your house and move over to live with them. Just to make it really clear to your siblings!!

Could there be some scam going on OP? It seems to be common.

This.

Also, OP, maybe add to the message the contact details of Age UK, as PP said, with brief explanation of what it is.

Might be wise to talk to your bank regarding your loans, and/or a financial planner, too.

Edit for spelling