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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents asking for money

199 replies

Throughitall · 29/03/2025 00:54

I pay my parents mortgage as they got to mortgage renewal and couldn’t afford it due to being retired. I took the house over and pay interest only. They agreed to pay living expenses. My brothers chose not to get involved or suggested to spilt the interest but I take the mortgage out in my name but avoided that as it would get complicated. Now five years later parents want me to pay 100£ of their living expenses per month. I don’t have it. I suggested selling the house and they can have the equity in it which I got (to cover the mortgage interest). It won’t last long but not sure what to do. They just turned 70. I simply don’t have it. They haven’t asked my brothers who are extremely well off. One lives in Hong Kong. The first time my mother called and I said I was experiencing lots of costs due to a move and gap in jobs which has been somewhat stressful. Large costs happened close together eg laptop broke, pipe bursts, medical costs, roof costs. My DP pays my rent at the moment. I said I can’t help. 2 weeks later my father called asking again. In May they are going to Hong Kong then Singapore for 2 weeks to visit my bother and my nephews. Paid for by my brother. AIBU to think this is strange behaviour. My father said it’s been sleepless nights. I also said same my side. They said my job should pay enough. My house that I own is also rented out but the rent doesn’t cover the mortgage and expenses. They said I’m renting out my house now so should have funds. I was told to politely send a message to my mother again saying I can’t pay.

OP posts:
Buzyizzy217 · 30/03/2025 19:55

I’m sure this will have been said, but I don’t get the mortgage renewal? You don’t renew mortgages. You pay them until either you move, in which case they are redeemed, or they finish and either a life policy pays off the mortgage or as in repayment, there is a balance of zero.
personally I’d tell them to shove it and put the house on the market.

Miley23 · 30/03/2025 20:01

restingbitchface30 · 30/03/2025 19:55

I think they should sell up and find something cheaper. They are living beyond their means. I do wonder what culture you are from however, this can make a difference. My partner is Indian and his mum has never worked. All 7 of his siblings, even the ones who don’t live at home, give their mum £300+ a month. She’s living a very good life and apparently this is the norm. I don’t agree with it, but if it’s culturally normal for you to pay for your parents that makes a difference. Brothers need to pay up
though.

Seems to be very common in Asian families. I am an advisor in a city where half the population is Asian so see it a lot. The women have never worked and the kids give them money. Property is a massive thing but often way more than is reasonably affordable on their own and the kids often take over the mortgages. I often see older asian couples who have outstanding mortgages of 150k + as they enter retirement age with no real plan of how to pay it off. Younger family members paying towards the mortgage etc. I think it's definitely a cultural thing.

CosyLemur · 30/03/2025 20:20

So if I understand correctly you have 2 houses (your parents and the one you rent out) and you're renting the house that you live in. But the rent you collect on the house that you rent out isn't enough to cover the mortgage? Is that even allowed with the mortgage that you have?
Also why rent out a house and top up the mortgage, and then rent another to live in that doesn't make any financial sense at all to me, surely it would be better to live in the house that you're renting out?
As for your parents if they were mine I'd help them as much as I could, including letting them live with me if that's what it took.

Avidreader12 · 30/03/2025 20:37

Offer practical assistance. They should check if they can claim pension credits which is a gateway benefit to other help. If you pay the mortgage on the house which they live in it shouldn’t matter to their application for pension credit. Online benefits checker turn to us should tell them if they entitled to any help.

ThisRedBee · 30/03/2025 20:42

Reading this thread...just feel raising kids is horrible...better not having kids just spend all money and enjoy life is wise choice

jimmyjammy001 · 30/03/2025 20:43

Sounds like your parents couldn't afford to retire, but have done so anyway, so they will need to get jobs like many other pensioners in order to get by in old age or cut they're expenses down to live off what they have got saved up

sugarrosepetal · 30/03/2025 20:56

Throughitall · 29/03/2025 12:27

I had asked the parents for money a few weeks earlier and then paid it back. I also said no to contributing to family gifts my DBs planned but it didn’t seem to register why I was doing this. I started working at 16 and paid my way and supported parents throughout the years (getting out loans, monthly contribution, paying for phones, also have my student loans to them). The equity in the property will pay the outstanding mortgage. It’s 50% 50%. I’m making a loss on it at the moment as it’s not going up in value to equal the interest payments and costs.

They're taking the piss out of you. Please stop funding their lives for them, and live yours. It's time they step up and stop leaching off you. I'm absolutely disgusted on your behalf. I've never been well off and I struggle but I've also never once asked my children for financial help. It's my job to look out for them, not the other way around, and two of them are independent adults.

Elsvieta · 30/03/2025 21:04

ThisRedBee · 30/03/2025 20:42

Reading this thread...just feel raising kids is horrible...better not having kids just spend all money and enjoy life is wise choice

Where does raising kids come into it? OP doesn't have kids, and is bankrolling her parents.

UnicornBubble · 30/03/2025 21:45

If you have the mortgage on their house, does that mean you get the house when they pass?!?! Cos that’s the least I would expect if they want you to pay for it.

If your brother(s) get to say no then so do you!

if they cannot afford the house then they have to downsize, it’s not up to their children to foot the bill.

FeetLikeFlippers · 30/03/2025 22:16

I hear this time and time again from people with parents of that generation and older - not your specific housing/money situation, but parents who favour their lazy sons over their hard-working, devoted daughter who does everything for them. Is it a long-running thing, the way they treat you differently from your brothers and expect more from you? It’s very unfair but it’s a pattern you see a lot.

BlueFlowers5 · 30/03/2025 22:22

I would speak to your DB/siblings and state what your parents have asked..It's not your sole responsibility.

BooneyBeautiful · 30/03/2025 22:49

Throughitall · 29/03/2025 12:27

I had asked the parents for money a few weeks earlier and then paid it back. I also said no to contributing to family gifts my DBs planned but it didn’t seem to register why I was doing this. I started working at 16 and paid my way and supported parents throughout the years (getting out loans, monthly contribution, paying for phones, also have my student loans to them). The equity in the property will pay the outstanding mortgage. It’s 50% 50%. I’m making a loss on it at the moment as it’s not going up in value to equal the interest payments and costs.

Please use the benefit calculator again as they may be entitled Guaranteed Pension Credit. Even without it, I think they should still be entitled to claim Local Housing Allowance/Housing Benefit and then be in a position to pay you rent for their home.

Miley23 · 30/03/2025 23:39

BooneyBeautiful · 30/03/2025 22:49

Please use the benefit calculator again as they may be entitled Guaranteed Pension Credit. Even without it, I think they should still be entitled to claim Local Housing Allowance/Housing Benefit and then be in a position to pay you rent for their home.

Show quote history

People cannot just sign away the equity in their home to their kids and then claim means tested benefits. Do you not think everyone might be doing this if it were possible? Give the house to your kids and then claim housing benefit to pay them rent - local authorities and the DWP aren't stupid.

T1Dmama · 31/03/2025 00:04

Go to age concern or the citizens advice bureau with them and do a budget plan and find out if they’re entitled to benefits of any sort. They might be entitled to housing benefit high will cover the interest element of their mortgage….

BooneyBeautiful · 31/03/2025 00:25

Miley23 · 30/03/2025 23:39

People cannot just sign away the equity in their home to their kids and then claim means tested benefits. Do you not think everyone might be doing this if it were possible? Give the house to your kids and then claim housing benefit to pay them rent - local authorities and the DWP aren't stupid.

Edited
Show quote history

As far as I could make out, the OP now owns the house. The situation seems very complicated, hence my advice to check a benefit calculator again. You may well be right in that it could be classed as deprivation of assets, but it does appear the parents don't have much money coming in, and we don't know how much equity there is/was in the property. The OP seems to have got herself caught up in quite a difficult situation! I think this is probably something that needs to be looked at by a DWP complex decision maker.

Jack80 · 31/03/2025 08:31

I would contact my brother and say it's his turn to help out.

PBJsandwich123 · 31/03/2025 09:16

ToKittyornottoKitty · 29/03/2025 07:34

It’s daft that they were both already retired by 65 when they couldn’t afford to be, and that any of you thought this was a good idea in that situation to be honest. It was very selfish of them to allow you to do this, do not help them any further and do not feel guilty about it. They need to sell up by the sound of it and stand on their own feet

I feel like so many of that generation do this. They think retiring is an age or something you do when you feel like you've worked enough, rather than a financial goal. My MIL retired in her 50s and is now constantly begging us for everything. It makes me livid because she lived through an economic boom era and she is begging us who have the most expensive years of our lives ahead of us and have to both work high pressure management jobs (she had the luxury of giving herself some times off to be a full time mum paid for by by DIL as well as only doing light work freelance musician, the occasional bit of floristry when she was working - I'm not sure she's ever worked a 40 hour week). Some people just want to be financially babied the whole time and do not care what a burden it puts on others.

Chezxx · 31/03/2025 09:32

They are exploiting you financially.
Time to cut the strings.
Tell them to speak to your brothers and do not discuss it with them further.
Don't see them and don't answer their calls to drive the point home.

I feel very sorry for you.
What users.

Comefromaway · 31/03/2025 09:57

GiveDogBone · 30/03/2025 17:54

They should have saved more money while they were working. It seems very strange their mortgage becomes unaffordable when rates now are basically what they were before they collapsed during Covid.

equally the mortgage shouldn’t be that large if they’ve had the house a number of years.

In short, no extra £100 and 6 months notice you’ll stop paying the mortgage.

It sounds like the OP's parents originally took out an interest free mortgage. When you do that (I did it temporarily when my house sale fell through so I didn't lose my new one), you have to sign to say that at the end of the fixed term you will either pay off the balance in full from other means or you agree to sell the house and use the equity to pay off the balance.

Op's parents would not have been able to re-mortgage at that point due to their age/income.

Very bad financial planning.

OP, I really think you need to force the sale and give them the equity as you said for them to rent somewhere.

Comefromaway · 31/03/2025 09:58

Buzyizzy217 · 30/03/2025 19:55

I’m sure this will have been said, but I don’t get the mortgage renewal? You don’t renew mortgages. You pay them until either you move, in which case they are redeemed, or they finish and either a life policy pays off the mortgage or as in repayment, there is a balance of zero.
personally I’d tell them to shove it and put the house on the market.

Interest only mortgages are different (I had one). You don't have to take out an endowment but do have to sign to say you understand that at the end of the term you either sell or pay off the balance from your own savings/investments.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/03/2025 10:05

So you already pay their mortgage and now they want you to give them more??!! Absolutely no. And I’d stop paying the mortgage as well.

Comefromaway · 31/03/2025 10:07

OP can't stop paying the mortgage or her credit rating will go through the floor and she may end up with a CCJ.

Dillydollydingdong · 31/03/2025 10:09

They're cheeky to even ask it! Just say no!

ToughTimesDon'tLastToughPeopleDo · 31/03/2025 10:24

Can you not ask your brother to cover the extra costs for a while instead of funding an expensive two week trip abroad?
It seems really unfair on you though and if they can’t afford to stay in their current house, they need to downsize and live within their means.
They shouldn’t be expecting their children to bail them out and yet take no action or responsibility for themselves.

Lockdownsceptic · 31/03/2025 11:10

Your finances are over complicated. Owning a house and renting where you live sounds a bit bonkers except in the short term. Paying your parents mortgage is mad if you can’t afford to do it for ever. Something needs to be sold. You need to get yourself financially secure. Only then can you consider helping out your parents. It sounds like your brothers have learned how to resist your parents’ demands better than you have.