To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

[LeonieJD]

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

I would end it. I have ended things with men over far less.

The stranger posted asking for advice.

Did your partake in the same behaviour as his friend at university?

is there going to be some kind of drip feed that your "partner" is 14?

When I was young I used to fall for men’s BS too.

This. People are talking about his neighbour (and I am not sure I am massively bothered by that) but the way they treated women in their 20s is absolutely disgusting. That would give me an “ick” I probably could not come back from.

It’s all in your head.

I think it's the people replying who are the gullible ones to be honest.

In what way?

Oh give over, that arse comment didn’t come out of nowhere. You’re willing to vilify his mate but turn a blind eye to your oh’s part in it.

Boys do talk like this. I’m not saying your ds. However my dd is year 12 and some of the things said to her friends is vile. Boys asking for 3somes, another boy talking about his fantasies of having sex with my dd (whilst ‘chatting to’ dd’s friend). The girl blocked him for that. Too. Much. Porn. Is all I can say. And how do these boys even know which girls have even had sex? They don’t. There’s some kind of presumption going on.

I’ve heard how men can be. I worked in a really shitty pub decades ago. It wasn’t a working man’s pub but it was that vibe. Some guy in his 50s when I was 19 telling me he was going to fuck me so hard with chewing gum on his knob that it would reach my mouth.

Question to op - Have you discussed if your dp participated in having sex with girls as a cruel joke when younger?

Oh look, a man has walked in to complain about the behaviour of men being talked about.

And he looked 'sheepish'.

He didn't look confused like one would if someone accused them of doing something they didn't do. The 'sheepish' (which means guilty look) look says it all.

Yeah, because there's only so many men in the world that are sex-mad and talk lewdly about women.....

I think you've lived a very sheltered life if you think it's rare.

Does that even make any sense?

More sense than you coming on a thread about women being abused and harassed and objectified by men and you complaining that about us calling mens behaviour out.

More word salad

I’m not sure I would have - bc of awkwardness and the whole thing catching me off guard - but it would be interesting to see what his reaction would be if you’d said “Does your fiancée know you talk like this when you’re out the house, Jay?” Or “Do you talk like this in front of Laura?”

He obv didn’t give a shit about making you feel awkward with his disgusting ‘banter’ so wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if he didn’t like your comments calling him out.

I agree with a PP that this could be sabotage or at the very least a power play with him asserting dominance over your DP. You said he’s shy and not assertive, so this arsehole was probably used to setting the tone and calling the shots unchallenged in their friendship before. He could be jealous that his shy friend has pulled someone like you and is a trying to ruin it for him, despite having his own partner, or may be jealous over your influence and importance now in his friend’s life.

Whatever the reason, he sounds like a horrible prick and I think you’re within your rights to say you never want to see him again. I guess the danger would be that he then strikes up a vendetta against you by purposefully trying to turn your partner against you. Also - it may be way off, or not even on the cards, but is this twat likely to be your DP’s best man, or have any involvement in the organisation of a stag do? That alone would make me feel more than a little uneasy regarding speeches and planned ‘activities’.

Ask to see the group chat. He won’t show you, or it will somehow become edited/deleted. This chat will show you how much of a ‘lad’ your DP actually currently is

Why would he possibly want to invite him back if it’s true that he ‘stitched him up’? Bc the reverse is true and his friend was saying what actually happened.

If his mate wanted to shift h him up an cause him grief why on earth would he still want to be mates? His mate wants to cause him harm! Ask him. If he wants to continue being his mate it’s obv bullshit isn’t it

According to HIM! 😂 ask to see the Xmas group chat - you will see with your own eyes what was said by your partner. Would you want to be with him knowing he was thinking about your neighbour sexually and sharing these thoughts with his mates? What does he share when he’s with them in person about you, your friends, your relatives?

This may be an inadvertent wake up call, OP and his friend could have done you a massive favour.

Haven't read all the replies here, and the 'pull a pig' comments are vile and your DP needs to stand up for his own standards more... but I have to say, my BIL does things like this - 'Oh, is this the one you said has big tits?' etc. It's absolutely a power play and bullying, he's a misogynist prick who thinks he's hilarious and likes causing trouble between couples.

No, we never see him...

Oh dear, you sound very naive. That isn’t what happened at all.