To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

[LeonieJD]

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

Vomit inducing.
Yanbu. I would expect your partner say something to him.

I tell you what op, since you don’t believe us, why not ask your darling partner to see his text messages between the two of them.

Men like that are the WORST.

I'd definitely judge DH a bit for hanging around with such a momentous prick.

My ex had a dickhead friend like this and I also ended up saying he couldn't come round to our place because he was just vile.
He came on to me a couple of times and I told him no, thanks. And then he started saying all kinds of awful stuff about me to ex about how I was old and ugly and that he should split up with me.
Ex was absolutely awful when he went out drinking with dickhead.
And that's one of the many reasons he is an ex.

As someone else upthread has said "Birds of a feather flock together"

So your boyfriend used to "pull" women he thought were unattractive purely to make a mockery of them? Even at Uni age he should know better.
And at some point since you or the neighbour moved in he's found time and made the effort to give his mate a critique of her physical attributes...presumably without the excuse of being uni age.
Think you've had a bit of an eye opener as to his fuller character OP.

It was his friend who made the comments - I absolutely wouldn’t marry someone like that!!

But your partner obviously made the comment initially… because his friend had never met this neighbour before yet he was able to reference a neighbour whose arse your partner had remarked on. This friend just didn’t make a random spontaneous comment. You’re entirely missing the point…

You lie down with dogs don't be surprised you get fleas.
This is your partners friend.
They hang out and clearly talk.
They are both disgusting.
How they view women is vile.
You are only kidding yourself that your partner is something the innocent party.

Scum hanging out with scum.
Really not complicated at all.

You don’t have to see the friend again. However, you do have to see your DP and you are missing the point that he is obviously just as bad. The friend was using phrases etc that indicate they came from your DP. If your DP doesn’t have the balls to tell him to grow up, and in fact clearly talks about women (and you?) like that when they are alone, do you really want to be with him?

And how do you think his friend knows about the neighbour with the arse? Wake up.

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone DP has clearly referenced her.

I corrected that for you. You wrote "someone" as if you don't know who the person was who referenced the "fit one with the arse". Who do you think the "someone" was? Some random passerby who happens to know DP's friend and saw the neighbour and said to DP's friend, your friend's neighbour is fit and has a nice/big/sexy arse?
Er no... DP said that about the "fit one with the arse".
You are totally missing the point of other people's posts when you say you wouldn't marry someone like that as if your DP is innocent in all this.

I dont think your P is that shy if he discusses your neighbours bodies and sexual attractiveness with his pal.
I wonder what he has said to his pal about you?
Why would he shut his pal down when this is the normal way they talk when you aren't there?

Your dp is like that. Hth.

You think your partner is unassertive and quiet because that's what he presents to you, but birds of a feather flock together. The other PPs are right OP, your partner is like his friend, he talks disrespectfully about women and probably did take part in all that macho BS his friend was talking about. No wonder he looked embarrassed, any decent man who wasn't like that would call his friend out for lying and not have anything to do with him.

You're focussing on the wrong man.

Wow, @LeonieJD. The Friend is undoubtedly the ‘missing link’.

As for your Partner, he may appear to be more evolved in general, but he too objectifies and rates women like pieces of meat. I would feel devastated to know that my H was lusting over my neighbor’s body and raving about her to his Pig of a mate. Respecting you is clearly not a priority for him.

My attraction would be rapidly plummeting, to be replaced by permanent ick.

I’d have pulled the car back into the drive, gone into the house and let them make their own way. No way would I have entertained giving the pair of twats a lift.

He does not have to ditch his friend. He can spend less time with his pal and stop laughing at stupid "jokes", he does not have to respond to this friend's immaturity and he does not have to make remarks about women to be seen to curry favour with this pal. But make it clear this " pal" will not be staying in your home and he probably takes advantage of your partners nature. Don't let the pal encroach on your relationship by calling up unannounced or making himself comfortable in your home environment. But check to see if your partners pal are all similar..... then he is hiding his behaviour

Why does OP have to " check " his other pals?
She now knows what his best pal is like. She knows her P has been sharing his sexual thoughts about her neighbour with his best pal.
That should be enough to tell OP what he is really like.

Are you choosing not to think about what we're all saying about your partner, or are you genuinely not getting it?

This banning thing is controlling same when a man tries to put his foot down and control what a woman does

Separate to that you have bigger issues than this friend, you have a choice not to have anything to do with, but like thousands of women before you and after you will ignore the signs staring you in the face

So I’m not saying what was said was in anyway ok, what you choose to do about it is your call.

But this kind of post is ripe for a bit of the mumsnet equivalent of dick swinging. “I’d leave him” “I’d have stopped the car” etc. It’s a bit like parents telling kids they’ll turn the car around if they don’t behave. It’s an empty threat. They don’t really mean it. And I think the replies here are the same. Bit of looking tough on the internet but people wouldn’t do what they’re saying in real life.

Yup!

This.

This.

So, who told your DP's friend about your neighbour then, OP?

You know, the one with the fit arse?

Because you realise that whilst it means, yes, your partner's friend might have thought that particular neighbour had a fit arse, he was clarifying whether it was the same neighbour your partner has also described as having a fit atse.

DP is really quite shy and not really an assertive person, which is why I think he didn’t shut it down earlier.

Oh dear.

You realise that when you are not their, he will speak in exactly the same way?

His apparent discomfort was not because he felt awkward about his friend's behaviour but because you weren't supposed to ever see this side of himself.

Honestly, OP, you're a fool if you think his friend isn't a reflection of his own thoughts/behaviour.of his own.

I can guarantee your partner didn't not spend the rest of the evening in a shy, unassertive, silent discomfort.