To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

[LeonieJD]

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

Your partner's friend was testing you, your relationship and what you will put up with. He wanted to see you blow up at your partner or both of them for his amusement. You didn't react so he lost. I think your instincts are right, he doesn't get invited back to your house. Your partner has seen his friend in a different light too so I don't think he will be begging to have him come back.

His friend isn't the only one you need to ban from the house...

Sounds like you don't actually know who your partner really is.

If you wouldn’t leave a misogynistic pig in real life that is entirely up to you. I would leave in a heart beat.

I voted YABU because the friend isn't the problem. Your husband choosing you keep him as a friend and not challenging his comments is the real problem here.

Good for you. Doesn’t give you a licence to give terrible, potentially life changing advice to a stranger on the internet knowing next to nothing about her or her DP. Which people do on here all the time.

You are the company you keep.

Admittedly I skim read your post yesterday, at first I thought you were talking about your ds and his friend home from uni, and I thought that was bad enough, then I read it again and saw it was your partner and his friend. God what an idiot. He wouldn't be welcome in my house again.

Did he say it to the friend as a comment years ago as a kid? That's different to a grown man saying it. If he's only known the neighbour a year, it must be a recent conversation so there's no excuse.

Hi OP

His friend has just told you about stuff that your partner did in the past or has said recently. Its not clear if you're saying

• it's fine as long as you don't hear about it
• you don't belive the friend

Why are you focusing on the friend and not your partners behaviour? Surely if it wasn't true he would have looked confused or annoyed or amused rather than 'sheepish'

Hmm. If I had a super hot neighbour, I might tell my friend about it, if we were having a conversation about neighbours or something... I could say "He's really easy on the eye and has a great bum" and my mate could then paraphrase that into a crass "Fit one with an arse"!
Talk to him to find out what that conversation entailed exactly, but just speaking to their friend about someone they find attractive isn't some heinous crime against civilization.

You can always directly challenge the friend, you know? You're not actually a taxi driver that has to keep their nose out. You could say "Oh wow, that's a really horrible way to speak about someone" and assert yourself as a feminist. I get you were likely in shock and weren't expecting to hear all that shite, though. If there's a next time, I would just get involved in the conversation and challenge him. If the friend is rude to you, then your DP will (should hopefully!) start to want to distance from him anyway.

I would have pulled over and told him to get out and offered DP to go with him if he really is happy to listen to the drivel his mate comes out with.

Sadly, I agree with PP's. Your DP will be just like this or the friendship wouldn't have lasted all these years.

Some men never actually grow up but stay in a sort of 14yo boy mode forever.

Aesop — 'A man is known by the company he keeps'

DP is mortified this morning - he has apologised profusely for his friend and feels they have drifted apart over the years but sees him ‘out of duty’.

It seems there was a large amount of poetic licence re. the neighbour comment. What that stems from is a group conversation on their Christmas night out around the different type of neighbours they all have (a couple of his friends have some real nightmare’s). DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up and DP won’t be in a rush to invite him back!

Yes.

Bless him...

🙄

I would have told him to fuck off and make him exit the car. What an awful man. I bet he’s a rotter himself, it’s always the self conscious men that enjoy putting woman down.
I would also be very pissed off with dh talking about the neighbours bum.

DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.
Bless him - it seems his friend was just trying to stitch him up

🙄

What a shame he wasn't mortified at the time.

Sheepish behaviour stems from guilty feelings.

No one sees friends out of duty.

DP just described ours as being elderly and quiet on one side and a young couple on the other - ‘a nice lad and pretty girl’. He didn’t describe her appearance beyond that.

Please wake up. Nice arse is quite specific.

Isn't it? It is quite specific.

It didn't come from nowhere. And you know it. If you believe the half-arsed (pun not intended) 'excuse' from your partner, I don't know what to tell you.

Bless him🙄🤣

And yet you’re marrying someone whose best friend casually objectifies women in your presence? Who presumably thinks that’s a normal way to behave?

They are not best friends - he sees him twice a year at most

Your title says they are best friends.

I have best friends that I see less than that. If he saw this bloke once ever 3 or 5 years, ok. But twice a year is still a lot imo for someone he is not close to.

You are a fool for believing him. "Bless him" dear god.
I

‘is that the fit one with the arse?’

Is that the one with the fit arse.

That is very very specific, op, and you know it. Not just a 'pretty woman'.

You can't be this desperate for a man, surely that you ignore the most base level common sense and critical thinking.