To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

[LeonieJD]

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

But you refer to him as your partner's best friend in the title of the thread!

You can choose to believe his lies to you and you can choose to lie to yourself but it's pointless trying to lie to strangers who have no vested interest in pretending your words mean anything other than what they say.

Yes and in front of a friend who doesn't think that behaviour is appropriate or acceptable.

Nah, he'd rather lie than apologise for being a twat

It’s unusual for DP to talk in that sort of way - heck, sometimes I wish he was a bit more direct in the bedroom! He says his friend added that detail to stitch him up and I believe him

You are woefully naive op, and I feel very very sorry for you.

a confident women would have laughed in his face when he tried to claim ‘he only called her pretty.’ Surely surely you cannot believe that?!

im afraid no one can help you here.

You can definitely talk to your DP about his friends and how shocked/horrified you were. You can decide to interact with his friend.

but no - disliking someone is way too low a bar to ban your DP from having his friends around. You might find he isn’ta huge fan of some of your friends.

not allowing a partner to spend time with friends is a tactic to isolate and control. Might not be your intent but it’s a genuine problem so deserves very careful consideration. The threshold needs to be high.

It is unusual for your dp to talk like that around you. Around his friends he doesn't have the same problem. Wake up @LeonieJD .

Yeah - I was stressed in the immediate aftermath and the neighbour comment was the final straw.
I highly doubt DP will invite him again.

I'm assuming, as your Partner is quiet and unassuming, that he will never see this rude, misogynist again?

And yet you describe them as ‘best friends’ in your thread title.

You said he was his best friend in your thread title and OP !
How long have you and dp been together ? Are any of his other friends like this ?
I would not be having this person round again and I would think very poorly of DP if he stays in contact with him.

Look, it's actually possible that this bloke did embellish a story to try and provoke you. There are some arseholes who would do this.

But most men in your partner's position would have challenged it immediately because it would have been such a shock to hear it had that been the case. It's a weak man who would allow his 'best friend' (or barely casual acquaintance - whichever narrative you're now going with) to disrespect his partner in that way.

My partner works in an all male environment and is in a men only group chat with his friends.. He'd also never speak that way in front of me, but I'm not a fool. I can well imagine how he speaks when he's chatting with his mates. Some might not engage as fully as others but your partner is not sitting in silence when this friend makes these comments. If he were, the friendship would have died off long before you raised the subject. He's trying to appease you.

And I am Marie of Roumania.

I think that’s true that the OP’s partner sounds like a total sap. But I can’t say I’d be bothering with a partner who has a mode of male-only knuckle-dragging chat.

I don't believe him in the slightest, but you'll be the one unhappy with a sleazy lying partner years down the line, not me, so it doesn't really matter what I think!

I would get rid of the boyfriend as will he spent his 20 abusing women and for sexual gratification. He seems nothing wrong with it as still talks to his friend similar about women you know!

he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

Surely the only person that 'someone' can be is your boyfriend, @LeonieJD ?

Is that how he speaks about your neighbours? Does that change the way you feel about him?

I’ve posted since to clarify - his friend twisted his comments

You’re um, very trusting aren’t you @LeonieJD ?

Good luck.

his friend twisted his comments

Yeah, and I'm the Pope.

I feel truly sorry for you. You will be back on here in 2 years time, having had a kid and found him talking dirty to a woman in text. I feel sad that you don't have enough self esteem and self respect to put your self worth before having a man for the sake of having a man.

@GreyCarpet

I worked for many years in all bar me male environments and they all participated in that kind of chat to some degree. The ones that seemed the quietest were often the loudest. Not saying they all were but when they get going all bets are off. Considering I was present they probably were tempering it a bit as well, on the occasions I couldn't be seen some of the "banter" was criminal.

Whether they mean it or not, most men do join in locker room chat, we fool ourselves that ours never do. The ones who care about your feelings stop it when they hear it in front of you though, this man didn't he just went sheepish.

Oh sweet OP, how gullible you are

Hmmm… I think you might be missing the point. Sorry.

Of course he did …. Bless him

Despite your denial you ARE marrying someone EXACTLY like that.

You call him his best friend in the heading?!