To ban DP’s best friend from my house?

[LeonieJD]

I’m just back from giving DP and his friend a lift into town.

This was the first time I’ve properly met him, and wow, I’m in disbelief.

They had a couple of drinks here before going out - DP’s friend was joking and asking how much I know about his ‘antics’ at Uni and in his 20’s.

Gentle ribbing turned into his friend referring to past partners as ‘whales’, saying they’d ’pull a pig’ for a laugh and then referring to one specific woman as a ‘paper bag job’ All WHILST I WAS SAT THERE!!

Then, as I reversed off the drive, I waved to a neighbour who was getting something from their car. DP’s friend tapped him on the shoulder and casually asked ‘is that the fit one with the arse?’ - he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

AIBU to say I never want to meet this pathetic ‘man’ again?

I cannot remember a time where my husband or onw fo his friends disrespected me or anyone else male or female enough for me consider starting a thread about what should I think about it

There is no history of my husband that concerns me so if he suddenly had a personality change and it started I would leave, no empty threat

People complain about men but put up with it and do nothing

YABU simply because it's tiur DH you shouldn't want to see again.

Diisgusting and dangerous behaviour.

Sounds as if he’s the sort, that sort that doesn’t see women as people in their own right but if challenged will tell you to lighten, laugh and give a bunch of looks best left behind when he was 10. I’d want to seriously know about pulling women for a laugh and what part your dp played.

But if those friends are offensive to the other adults that live in the house, I think adults have to choose seeing their friends elsewhere.

I have. My 9yo called me woman, did it again (apparently got it from diary of a wimpy kid!) and we were leaving his sport so I parked, said we are waiting 20 minutes and this is your last strike. Do it again and we are waiting here until your dad can get here, because I don’t drive around anyone who talks to me like that. Might be an hour, might be 5, since you have siblings he will probably be doing stuff with. He got the message.

Indeed.

OP do you really think that he is horrified at the behaviour? Or just embarrassed that you got to see it?

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. And he obviously communicates with this person enough to have told him that he fancies your neighbour so 🤷

Perfectly summed up!

But this kind of post is ripe for a bit of the mumsnet equivalent of dick swinging. “I’d leave him” “I’d have stopped the car” etc. It’s a bit like parents telling kids they’ll turn the car around if they don’t behave. It’s an empty threat. They don’t really mean it. And I think the replies here are the same. Bit of looking tough on the internet but people wouldn’t do what they’re saying in real life.

Really? My parents stopped the car and told me to get out when necessary (obviously they wouldn't say they'd turn the car around, unless perhaps we were going somewhere exclusively for my benefit). Perhaps I learned to be a little bit less of an arsehole as a result, or at least to think twice about prattling nonsense that was directly offensive to the person doing me a favour. I think far too many people are accepting of unacceptable behaviour from children, partners, and friends/fellow travellers - but I usually see that in the form of just ignoring the problem altogether, not of making threats and not carrying through.

I'm not going to tell the OP to leave her partner because there are a loads of factors involved and it's not a quick decision, and I also think she should discuss the matter with him alone and (when he's) sober. But to say she should (have) consider(ed) calling the friend out on his misogyny and refusing interact with him when he persists? And to say she should be disappointed that her partner didn't do this? Hell yeah; come on! That's an extremely low bar.

(Also, OP: you could be an international supermodel and your partner's friend is still a total arsehole for making the misogynistic comments he did, and partner is wrong for not speaking up about it.)

He was incredibly sheepish, I could tell he was uncomfortable and he barely added anything to the exchanges bar awkward laughter

So, you have a wimp of a husband and one that joins in on misoginistic "banter".

I know teenagers that are more mature. And I don't become friends with the type of people who are basically disrespectful of others.

he has never been to our house before so someone has clearly referenced her.

Oooh, I wonder who that could have been? 🤔

Your partner is just like his mate. He's just better at putting on a show for you.

What you call your DP being ‘sheepish’, I would call guilt.

I'd be tempted to let the friend's partner know about his behaviour, if I was able to. As well as the sober conversation at home.

You need to have a conversation about it with DP when he is sober. Tell him how you feel about what happened. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

If he is reflective and apologetic, fine. If he tries to deflect or minimise, deep down he is a misogynist just like his friend.

His friends are a reflection of him.
This is how he talks and behaves when you’re not around.
Pathetic

Well, whatever but this is your DP’s chosen company. Honestly, I couldn’t be with anyone who had friends like that because it says so much about his character. What are his other friends like?

After these comments and tap on the shoulder about the neighbour's arse comment, what your parent's (verbal) response? Did you say or do anything?

What will banning the friend tonight achieve? Why does your partner has no input in his plans being changed? (Saying you dont want future stays is different to banning this one.) Do you think the friend is a threat to you?

Or are you worried he'll influence your DH into noticing how nice the neighbour's arse is and he'll start an Arse Appreciation Club with the "someone"?

You're not listening. DF and DP are cut from the same cloth. I wonder if his fiancée would say the same as you.
The comment on your neighbour stemmed from YOUR partner, not his DF. How long has he known the neighbour? If he met her as a teen maybe I could get over it. If he met her fairly recently in his late twenties/early thirties I'd be extremely concerned. Ignore those red flags at your peril.

Sorry but what on earth difference does it make when he met the neighbour???

Your DP is just as bad as his 'friend' ffs!
All the banter about 'uni' days clearly made DP feel uncomfortable as he obviously wants the past to be left in the past.
His true colours have emerged now with the friend 'outing' him with comments about the fit neighbour; what else have they discussed during beer fuelled jaunts into town??
Have some self-respect and tell DP to crawl back under the rock from whence he came and let him live with the caveman friend - you deserve so much better.

I think this interaction has revealed your DPs true character. YABU for directing all your ire at the friend. I’d be leaving DP who is clearly a misogynist.

I'd throw this one back

I always disliked exHs BF who was a pig, basically. Spoke about everyone poorly, was racist, sexist, such a disgusting human. ExH used to agree & go along with it all. I would say, hang on, what you are saying is offensive actually and they would both laugh at me. ExH said they were brothers, more than he was with his actual brother. 🤮

I'm divorced almost a year, so I don't have to spend time with that shitbag anymore. ExH outwardly was a feminist, liberal, blah blah but he was just as bad as his friend, which is one of the many reasons why I divorced him.

What the friend said about their time at uni is pretty bad but to them, that was probably a lifetime ago but I’d be fuming with your partner who has very clearly described your neighbour’s arse to his friend. What a charmer. Not!

Yes your dp should have said something but why didn’t YOU call him out then and there?!
“Excuse me but the way you are talking about women is really offensive” at the very least.

DP is really quite shy

But not too shy not to tell his mate/s about your fit neighbour and her arse.

(Which his mate would have absolutely zero way of knowing about if your dp hadn't introduced the topic).

A lot of women think their DH/dp is "shy" and quiet and "not that type " ...unil they see evidence to the contrary.

You should actually be grateful to this filter-less wanker for revealing what your dp is like - since he's apparently good at the shy, quiet, respectful, nice guy front.

If I were you, I would be judging your partner by the company he keeps.